Wearing two hats

Sometimes I feel like I wear two hats.

There is the ‘professional’ me; the one who advocates and supports vulnerable clients to prevent eviction. The one who feels listened to, valued and respected. Like I am making a difference in this world.

This me is confident and assertive.

Then there is the ‘off duty’ me. The one who is currently raising 2 children with a husband in Prison. The one who has very little support from family or friends. The one who misses my husband like crazy.

This me is vulnerable and broken at times.

I absolutely love what I do. I love standing up for the rights of vulnerable people. I love empowering people to make positive changes in their lives. I love seeing people grow and develop.

I remember a previous manager saying to me how I am in my ‘element’ supporting people and I am. Fighting for social justice is not just what I get paid to do, it’s who I am

This afternoon I’ve been with a very complex client. He’s spent his adult life battling homelessness, offending, addiction and substance misuse. Following a short spell in our supported tenancies he is now settled in his own flat. He is absolutely flying. He has reestablished contact with his Son, is off probation for the first time in 20 years and is stable on his drug treatment programme.

He is extremely proactive himself but he is also very grateful for my support. He is very respectful towards me.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Would he be shocked if he knew that I had a husband in Prison? That I myself had lost relationships and friendships that won’t be reestablished any time soon?!

There are certain things I will disclose to clients to help our relationship such as; I have children, I have battled my own mental health. However I will never be able to disclose that I have a husband in Prison who is now on a register for Indecent Images of children. Nobody will ever understand that. Worse still they would as many of my family and friends have ; lose all respect for me.

I know through this journey, many women who are in positions of trust just like me; Therapists, school teachers, family support workers, a police officer, a student training to become a psychologists. We are all safe guarding trained to the hilt… Yet we are all trying to understand our husbands / family members offence. We are all supporting.

The whole arena of ‘child abuse’ is the most contraversial of arenas.

My Tramua therapist talked to me about Moral Injury. The definition is:

Moral injury refers to an injury to an individual’s moral conscience and values resulting from an act of perceived moral transgression, which produces profound emotional guilt and shame, and in some cases also a sense of betrayal, anger and profound “moral disorientation”.

This resonates with me so well.

Everything I stand for; protecting vulnerable adults and children has been challenged when trying to get my head around what my husband has done. It’s deeply traumatic that anyone would believe that women like us would ever condone.

Infact I believe the opposite to be true. We are the women that are compassionate, kind, caring, empathic. We are the women who understand how complex human beings are and how good people are led down dark paths.

So these 2 hats I wear; they are both me. Neither one is a facade. Just like the other women I know. We are not just one thing. Just as our husbands / family members are so much more than their offence.