Half of my heart is locked in that cell with him 💔

Sounds very dramatic to say that but that’s how I feel with my husband in prison.

He called me this morning. I lay on our bed as we talked. The bed he hadn’t slept in with me for over 20 months. The bed I go to sleep in on my own and wake up alone. I longed for him to be lying there with me.

I am not single. I am very much married but my husband is miles away from me, locked up for 22/23 hours a day.

Today he told me that they had ‘changed the regime’ with no forewarning. So the excitement of 2 x socials out of a weekend…1 hour of s morning and 1 hour of an afternoon, has suddenly changed to 1 x 1.5 hour slot from 9.30-11am.

I get it. He’s committed a crime and he’s in prison. This is what our criminal justice system is for.

I also know that my husband was incredibly depressed and addicted during his time of offending. Many men are walking around with community sentences and suspended sentences for equal crimes. Yet my husband is locked in a cell for the best majority of the day.

What purpose does this serve? He is deemed a low risk of re-offending online by his offender manager.

I walked around Tesco today and there are flowers, cards and valentines gifts everywhere. I know its s consumerism day and we don’t need a day to show eachother how much we love eachother. However, since our first in 2000, we have always used the opportunity to buy cards and sentimental gifts for eachother, usually having a nice meal together at home with a bottle of something sparkly.

He sent me a card, which I have asked my youngest to hide and I will open on Monday. I sent him one too, which had to be Moonpig as I am not allowed to send one directly to him or it will be photocopied or just put in his property.

I am trying to live each day. My therapist tells me that I should still live my life and not put it on hold whilst he’s in there.

I am trying to. I still work. The kids and I still do things we used to like having takeaways and going out and doing stuff like bowling this afternoon.

Sometimes as all I feel like doing though is curling up into a ball, crying myself to sleep and waking up on the day he is out.

I miss my Husband so much. I miss his kisses, his cuddles, I miss our sex life. I miss having a few drinks together or a meal out. I miss watching TV together and sharing a bottle of prosecco.

My heart is broken and I know I am greiving for him every day.

So yes, half of my heart is locked in that cell with him 💔