Abandoning Myself for far too long

Yesterday I saw one of my Twitter followers had posted this.

I had to share.

This resonated with me so much.

I’ve never considered myself to be a martyr. Infact that is a personality trait I find fairly irritating in others. However I sometimes wonder if the traits that irritate us in others are traits we possess and don’t like too?!

As the youngest of 5 girls, my Dad told me on more than one occasion that it was a ‘good job I was cute’ or he would have ‘left me there, at the hospital.’ My Dad was never one for tact or considering other people’s emotions.

So, I realised only recently through therapy, that what I subconsciously did, was carve a role out for myself in the family.

I became, the fixer, the organiser, the mediator, the rescuer, the dependable one.

I would always be there to offer emotional and practical support when needed. From rushing to the hospital when one of my niece’s took an overdose, to organising my sister’s hen do, to lending money.

I was even a birth partner for my sister when she gave birth, I was 16.

When my Mum had her stroke in 2008, this reached a whole new level.

I was working and my eldest was just a toddler then. I spent most evenings and weekends visiting mum (which involved a fair bit of travelling), picking up Dad or my sister(s) and dropping them back off never asking for petrol money. Then visiting Dad and supporting him and my sisters and nieces through it.

During this time I worked in various support worker jobs with lots of mental health and complex needs.

We also had our second child, now I was juggling 2 kids, work, mum being unwell and being the family ‘go to’.

Then when my Dad become unwell and passed away fairly quickly, this broke me. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I got the support I needed through therapy and medication and started to get myself better, rebuild myself. At that time my support came from my Husband, like it always had. Not my family.

I still continued to ‘give’ myself.

It was only when my world fell apart that I stopped. That I HAD to look after me. I was empty. I had nothing to give to anyone except my kids.

So my subconscious need to help, support and please others came slap bang into my consciousness.

I do not believe at that time I was trying to be a martyr. I genuinely believed that is what families do. That if I ever needed their support, they would be there for me too.

Now I realise that supporting selfish people, especially narcissist people, is like putting coins into a piggy bank without a bottom. You go to take something out when you need it and realise there is nothing there. There’s no return on your investment as that was never part of the deal.

It saddens me to say that the above list describes me to a tee. I wish I would have realised it at the time.

I’m pleased to say that I have now found a group of friends / family whereby support is equal. Mutual support and respect. Boundaries, openness and honesty.

I don’t just blame my family for their selfishness. I have to take some responsibility too.

People can only walk all over you, if you let them.

I will NEVER again abandon myself. I have not become a selfish person it’s not in my nature. Now I treat myself with the same respect and kindness I treat others with 💖