Some days it’s just too hard 😥

It’s Easter bank holiday weekend. I have planned a trip away with the boy’s next week which I’m looking forward to.

Today we have a visit with hubby / their dad.

My eldest doesn’t want to go. He says he has a headache but in reality. I know he absolutely hates going to the prison..as much as I know he wants to see his Dad. I don’t think the juice is worth the squeeze for him.

My youngest also said he doesn’t want to go to the prison when he’s usually ok just takes it in his stride. He has agreed to come.

Yesterday me and my youngest went out with my brother in law and niece for the day. I know I’ve mentioned in other blogs about how they are the only relatives on my side that we see / speak to now.

Last night I felt incredible sadness. I feel so incredibly let down by my family and don’t want a relationship with them based on their terms anyway, yet seeing my brother in law and niece felt like opening the door again on my previous life.

Things feel like they have changed so much since my husband was arrested sentenced. My fellow non offending partner community feel more like my circle of family and friends now.

Yet that trigger yesterday, the reminder of all that we’ve lost has left me feeling very low and emotionally drained.

I love my husband dearly. This month marks 20 years since we were married, we have been together over 22. Yet the pain and destruction of his offending completely overwhelms me at times.

I feel I’ve lost so much, too much and it’s very unfair.

I am a good person. I don’t deserve the loss and destruction. Yet I cannot and will not turn my back on my husband either.

Sometimes it feels like I am fighting so hard, against all odds to keep my little family together.

The next battle with me social care no doubt. Which absolutely sickens me to think of. Having a social worker judge my parenting of almost 16 years.

I try to focus on the positives. I try to live each day. Yet sometimes it’s just exhausting.

I hope one day my little family is living together again as a family and it’s all worth it.