I’ve always been fairly extroverted. Coming from a large family of opinionated women, you had to shout the loudest to be heard.
Today I’ve realised just how introverted I have become.
The last 2 years I know the world has changed. People work from home having meetings on Zoom and Teams. Social media has become the modern way of communicating with friends and family.
Additional to this; we have been going through the horrendous trauma of the knock and the aftermath.
Last August when my husband was sent to prison and it hit the media, there was the added uncertainty of who knows and who doesn’t.
After the knock I left my job due to the hours, the practicalities of single parenting whilst doing shifts in an extremely demanding role. I gained employment part time, home based which suited me perfectly.
Now Covid restriction have eased and the world is opening back up again, this of course means more social interaction.
Yesterday was a busy day. With an online heavy course in the morning, safeguarding and protective parenting all to help with our family reuniting, I then had a counselling session which helped but was again fairly heavy.
In the evening I had a face to face meeting / presentation with the summer camp my son is going to. The event didn’t start for at least 20 minutes after I arrived.
I sat there on my own, right in the middle of the room, or so it felt, surrounded by strangers, some just one parent, some two, blatantly aware that my husband wasn’t able to be there.
There was the added anxiety of whether I knew anyone there. Any of my son’s friends parents or other local people and whether of course they knew about my husband. I felt like I just wanted to be invisible.
Today, I feel completely and utterly drained. This morning I done training around trauma and anxiety. Symptoms: fuzzy head, aching muscles, headache, shortness of breath and extreme fatigue. Today, I have them all.
I am part of a WhatsApp group for prisoners wives, specifically NOPs. These women are my closest network of support and friendship right now. We speak every day. Without their support and interaction I would probably not have a grown up conversation some days aside from those quick calls from my Husband.
In this world, with these women who are going through their own trauma, I feel accepted and valued. I have been made to feel so much shame and stigma through standing by my husband, by those who are supposed to love me unconditionally. The pain and trauma and affects upon my mental health are indescribable.
So, sadly I have withdrawn. I no longer make small talk with strangers or say Hello to people I recognise in the community. If and when I do. Afterwards I feel overwhelmed and drained.
I just want to be in my own little comfortable bubble.
After the knock 