A week of judgement and again justifying my decision

This has been an extremely re-traumatising and exhausting week.

On Wednesday social care came out to see us and today I had to go and see Probation and the police for ‘Disclosure’.

“You don’t need to take responsibility for his offending” or words to that affect is what the Police liaison guy said to me.

Hmmm, really?! Is that why I have been dragged here almost 2.5 years post arrest to have to listen to the soarded details of the charges?!

My husband has been adamant I know everything having saw the charge sheet and he also told me some of the evidence. However, once that anxiety button is pressed, once I got the call last Friday to go for ‘Disclosure’ a week down the line, my mind started working over time. Would I be told something I don’t know? Will it be too much? Will I walk away after all this time?

In the eyes of the law, we are NOT recognised as victims of crime.

The CPS Code defines a ‘victim’ as:

a person who has suffered harm, including physical, mental or emotional harm or economic loss which was directly caused by a criminal offence.

Every Non offending partner and their children who I know, have suffered harm, mental distress, economic loss etc etc etc.

We are treated as collateral damage of our partners / parents offending.

If we remain in our relationship, then we are treated as secondary perpetrators.

I say to the other women we need to have t shirts made or maybe even get a tattoo on our forehead which clearly states ‘I DO NOT CONDONE THE OFFENCE’ To avoid any confusion.

Yesterday I was pleased there were no further bomb shells. However I felt sickened by having to listen to my husbands abhorrent online offending, almost 2.5 years down the line.

I have invested time, money and energy into healing from this very real trauma. I have had multiple consequences of his offending. Yet despite this I have raised my boys single handedly, worked and kept a roof over our heads.

‘He is lucky to have you’ the police liaison guy said. To which the probation officer agreed.

I am no martyr. I am not staying with him to prove a point.

They don’t know him. They don’t know me. They see his offending and make their minds up from there.

So yet again I was forced to justify my decision. I heard myself say;

‘We had been together for 20 years prior to his arrest.’

‘He has been a brilliant Husband and Father to our boys.’

‘He was my rock throughout my Mum’s long illness and losing both of my parents.’

I could feel his eyes burning into me as I spoke. He kept reiterating how ‘difficult’ things will be when he is released. Little does he know I’ve spent over 2 years processing all of this and doing my homework.

I am under no illusion that life will go back to how it was pre knock. How could it?! The knock was a bomb dropped on our life. Since then I have been scrambling around trying to rebuild our life. Nothing is the same.

The destruction caused by my Husbands offending has been devastating. I won’t go on about it here as I have 60 plus blogs that explain that.

These ‘professionals’ have absolutely no idea how much we have been through. The trauma we have faced since the knock.

The majority of us have spent so much money, time and energy trying to process and heal. Yet they continue to rub salt in our wounds. It’s inhumane.

It’s the price we pay for loving our husbands?!

I hope one day that all these academics and agencies trying to get us recognised as recognised as secondary victims, are successful. Then maybe, just maybe we will be valued and supported to process this trauma and allowed to heal.