Dear Social care, We are good Mums!

Several of us are once again going through social cares scrutiny in order to get our families back together.

I am writing this blog to acknowledge our strengths. This is a mere sample of women I know…there are many others of us out there. Non offending partners who are treated like secondary perpetrators by Social care.

Those months / years of our partners being in prison, when we have single handedly raised our children whilst working, providing a roof over our heads and supporting our partners, they have been nowhere to be seen.

Our children are going through Adverse Childhood Experiences of parental imprisonment and yet statutory agencies have done / are doing absolutely nothing to support us.

A mere whiff of our partner returning home and they come back, like a wrecking ball.

There is no praise, no pat on the back of a job well done, amidst this trauma, no recognition that our children are thriving.

Instead they come in and turn our life upside down, once again.

The assumption that we are anything but protective parents is absolutely infuriating. Utterly offensive.

I would like to describe each of our situations to give some sort of perspective of how amazing we are all doing.

First of all a quick overview of me. 2 boys aged 10 and 16. I work part time, as a Tenancy support officer, preventing vulnerable people being evicted. The only support I have is my inlaws as my own family have walked away. Despite this, my boys are thriving. They are doing really well in school. My eldest passed all of his GCSEs and has now started college. We visit my husband every 2 weeks, driving a 5 hour round trip.

Next I will talk about my friend I will call Sharon, her son is 13 and has a diagnosis of ASD. He attends a school for children with additional needs. She also has her own serious health issues. Again she has very little family support. In fact she is the one who supports her in-laws. She also does voluntary work. She is an amazingly dedicated mum. She and her son go on many trips away and days out and he is very happy and healthy. She also says supports and visits her husband regularly.

Next there is who I will call Anita. She has 2 children aged 8 and 14. When her husbands case hit the media, she moved, away from her own family, with her children several miles away to ensure their safety. Her children have now settled into new schools and new friendship groups. She again is a brilliant Mum. She also cares for her father in-law who lives an hour away. Also supporting her husband and driving a 5 hour round trip each fortnight to visit. Social care are involved again now looking at release on temporary licence and once again scrutinising her parenting and agencies not communicating.

Next I will talk about who I will call Kelly. She has had the most horrendous time with Social care. Her son’s aged 7 and 11, both have ASD and other health issues. She herself has ASD and other health issues. Her family like mine have all walked away from her. Despite this she has moved with her children for fear of media and backlash. It’s taken her 5 years of scrutiny and battles but she has finally got her husband home and her family back together. She is running a website to help women like us. She has just started part time work as a support worker and also voluntary work.

Last but not least I will call Natalie. Her and her husband worked together and following his well publicised arrest, she has continued to work, full time, for the same company, facing judgment head on. Again she has had to move for fear of media backlash. Her child is 3. Having sadly lost her own mum when her child was a baby, her only support is from her in-laws. She is the most dedicated mum. Her child wants for nothing. Her husband lived at home up until sentencing. They adhered to a safety plan and there were no concerns. Social care have just came back with a vengeance. They are carrying out a Child In Need assessment. This entails meeting with Natalie over scheduled calls to carry out a thorough assessment into her. She is having to reawaken old memories as every aspect of her life is scrutinised.

I would like to add that every one of our husbands cases hit the media. We have lost family and friend relationships.

I would like like to also add that we have all participated in online Safeguarding courses and also a Circles Non Offending partner Protective parenting course. 6 weeks of gruelling child protection.

I understand, as we all do, that our husbands have committed sexual offences. I understand that Social care have to endure that our children are safe. I also have to add that none of our children were victims to their Fathers offending. Every one of our partners are serving their time. Every one of them are doing their rehabilitation inside and outside of prison.

I have met all of these children. They are, like mine, thriving. Why? Because they have the most dedicated amazing mums. The mums who have adopted both roles of Mum and Dad during this horrendous time of our lives which would break the strongest of people.

Social care please come in and scrutinise our husbands. They have committed an offence. They need to prove they are not a risk to their children. They need to prove their commitment to rehabilitative change.

Please STOP focussing on us. We have done nothing wrong. Infact, we have done everything right, for our children.

Meet our children, focus on them. Speak to schools and nurseries. Our children are happy. We are the mums who bake cakes for McMillan day, attend every parents evening, plan ahead for World Book day.

STOP looking for things that aren’t there.