My Son is 11, possibly has a mild form of ADHD, as do I. Although neither is diagnosed.
He is kind, empathic and very loving. I tell him that he has a BIG heart like me. Big hearts are easily hurt.
I do all I can to maintain ties with his Dad / my husband whilst he’s in prison. We visit regularly, we speak at least once a day on the telephone and we visit every 2/3 weeks. This is best we can manage since he moved over 110 miles away from us, to an open prison. He moved to get temporary licence and spend more time with us. What a joke that’s been. I have wrote previous blogs about this so I won’t go on.
We have survived over 15 months of his sentence. However, since my Husbands release in December has been imminent, my son appears to be struggling more.
It’s hard to understand why. My guess is that he’s ‘had to’ cope, he’s had to go on..now we are on a countdown, he is feeling overwhelmed of the change that’s coming and it’s making him focus on missing his Dad more.
Right now he is struggling to regulate his own emotions. As I’ve said, he feels deeply like me. This morning his game logged him out and he has a complete meltdown. He told me he was going to ‘kill himself.’ I knew it wasn’t really about the game. We talked this through. He has no plans to harm himself, he is simply trying to convey the overwhelming emotions he is much too young to understand and control. it’s hard enough for me and I’m almost four times his age.
My children were born into a very loving and stable family. Up until their Dad was arrested in May 2020, they were happy and healthy boys.
My husband called, I cried, he cried. He feels beyond guilty at what he’s putting us all through. He is serving his time for his crime. He can do no more.
Who does prison punish?! Not only the person who has committed the crime but those who love them too.
Part way through writing this blog, the post arrived, I went out and went through the pile. One for parents of my son. I opened. It’s from the school. It’s telling me that they are concerned around my son’s attendance which has now fell below 90%, only just. My son is going through an Adverse Childhood Experience of the Imprisonment of his Dad. There are days he feels sick with anxiety and is highly emotional. Is he recognised as vulnerable right now?! No, he’s just another child on a report.
The children of prisoners are forgotten victims. Collateral damage.
After the knock 
Three of my children have had attendance below 90% and this has been due to frequent illness, and I am certain their immune systems have been affected by trauma. I wish someone would study these impacts in more detail. But most of all, I hope your son is ok. I am certain he will come through this with such an amazing mum. It’s a very difficult and stressful time for all of you. Xx
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Thank you so much. I am sorry to hear about your children having time off too but yes absolutely trauma lowers our immune systems..I don’t feel that there is much recognition in schools around children’s mental health. As we say over and over, this is an Adverse Childhood Experience they are going through right now. This is the time they need the most support to process things to prevent years of therapy down the line.
We have 19 days and just under 3 school weeks until his Dad is out and we can help him start to heal from this trauma 🙏💖 xxxx
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No the mental health side is not recognised as it should be unfortunately and specifically in relation to this. It’s understandable that children would be overwhelmed by such huge experiences and yet where is the understanding? I argued this point previously that we should not be subject to the standard ‘attendance phone call/ letter’ which is robotic and inhuman. Instead of which perhaps some kindness and support would go a long way on the part of schools. How can a child going through trauma / stress/ anxiety be expected to follow the same attendance schedule as a child who isn’t? Especially without informed and tailored support from school.The DfE has no understanding either. Xx
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Oh I completely agree. I wrote a lengthy email to the Head teacher following our attendance letter last week. I have tried to arrange with the Senco of being able to take him in a little later as he is particularly anxious first thing. She spoke to his teacher who said that’s fine I can take him through the office and someone will come down and meet him….but it has to be before 9.30. Clearly so he can get his registration mark!
As a support worker I’ve done much training recently around ACEs. .. .it’s the new buzz term along with Trauma Informed Practice, but it’s all looking at the childhood trauma upon adults not the current childhood trauma upon children. Prevention is better than cure as they say.
They have referred him for therapy but probably once it’s implemented his Dad will be home. It’s immediate that he needs support.
We will keep on fighting for our children. 🙏💖 Xx
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You have done so much to fight for him and you are so right in what you say about ACEs focus being on those that have happened already in childhood to those who are now adults rather than live trauma being lived by children . It’s greatly frustrating that children’s needs always seem to come last in society and issues they face are so poorly understood. I hope that the support does come in time xx
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Me too. Children are mini people who need to be listened to and supported to make their own decisions rather than professionals thinking they know what’s best for them…which is often the complete opposite of what the child needs or wants.
In the name of safeguarding and over managing risk, drastic decisions are made in their name. Children of prisoners grieve just as bereaved children do when one parent is removed from their life through no fault of their own. Xx
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There is very little understanding of what our children experience informing professional practice, sadly. Xx
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I am so sorry to hear this. When my husband was suddenly removed from our family without any risk assessment – my son went through it, saying he wanted to die. He is neurodiverse too, I got him some help with Emotional Regulation strategies from the ASD team. I have some really good notes if you need them. The countdown to a father being released must be intolerable. I was all over the show waiting on my husband to be allowed to move back in. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you with the children, cut off from your relatives, and no husband. You are undeniably a very strong person and I love your vulnerability bc it helps others xx
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Thank you so much love, I know you get it. Parental Imprisonment isn’t the only enforced separation. I know your kids have had it too. It’s completely unfair on them. He seems to have settled this week. He has been in all 4 days so far and each day is getting a little easier. He has 10 school days left until his dad is released now.
We are all roller coasters right now. Let’s hope he’s getting on an even keel now 🙏
Anything you can pass on will be helpful though love thanks xx
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