Bye bye Prison

He’s out!!! He’s finally out!!!

It’s been 4 days since my husband was released from prison. After 16 months apart, it’s been a whirlwind for us all.

Friday was beyond emotional. My youngest (11 year old) and I, stayed overnight 2.4 miles down the road from him. We didn’t sleep much, either of us, we were too excited.

The next day, we were having our breakfast in the hotel, just after 8am, when he called and told us he was ‘ready to go.’

Driving to that prison for the last time, knowing he was leaving with us, felt amazing. Surreal.

I gave his name in at the reception gate and they called him down from reception. As soon as my little man and I saw him walking down, we burst into tears. The 3 of us hugged tight and we cried together.

Driving away for the last time, with my husband sitting beside me, felt absolutely amazing.

Coming back to the house was overwhelming for us all. The first time he has set foot in our house in over 16 months.

He hadn’t saw our eldest for a couple of months due to him not always wanting to spend a whole day traveling a 5 hour round trip and sitting in the visitors all day.

He also hadn’t met our puppy dog. We got her 7 months ago when we were struggling missing him and she has brightened our lives. It felt strange she was such a big part of our lives and yet they had never met. She took to him instantly.

As much as I’ve wrote these blogs to help me to process the trauma, the grief of your husband being in prison, there’s an element of you that is not quite able to process it. Self preservation I guess.

These first few days have been a whirlwind. Everything has overwhelmed me.

The knock is the atomic bomb that’s dropped on our lives when our husbands are arrested. There are many smaller ones along the way. Prison is another atomic bomb.

It’s unbelievable how much your life can change in the blink of an eye.

Release from prison was the opposite of a bomb. I am struggling to find a word to describe. I guess it felt like the biggest hug I could possibly imagine. A hug that engulfed me, soothed me, allowed me to start to fully heal.

Your husband going to prison means that you miss out on so many things; date nights, holidays, family days out. Yet it’s the simplest things I’ve missed the most; sitting next to me on the couch, seeing him watching the match with our eldest son, playing a game with our youngest, making me a coffee.

We have survived whilst he’s been away. As my counsellor tells me, I know I can do this alone. Yet that is not what I want. I told my therapist this morning that it may sound dramatic but it feels like he is ‘back from the dead’. As much as we have maintained regular contact throughout his sentence via letters, phone calls and visits, he hasn’t been here. He hasn’t been a part of our day to day life for such a long time.

Those first couple of days, I cried so much, at the firsts we experienced together as a couple or as a family. The pain of the last 16 months spilling out and healing.

The boys. What can I say aside from they are happy. They are our amazing boys again. They were not them without their amazing Dad, just as I was not me without my amazing Husband.

Things aren’t perfect. He cannot stay overnight with us until he has done his I Horizon course. Yet we can be together during the day, until bed time. He can be here first thing when we wake up.

As much as I have anxiety at what the future may hold, right now I am so happy and grateful that prison is behind us. I am counting my blessings and appreciating every moment of us being together as a family, as a couple. I am hopeful that we can move forward and start to heal from the trauma of prison.