It’s the lull between Christmas and New year. A time to reflect?!
This Christmas has been a world apart from the last one.
Last year it was just me and the boys, with a visit from the in-laws.
This year, we have my Husband/ their Dad back. His release on 9th December, felt like a Christmas miracle.
I cannot describe the contrast between him not being here and him being here from last Christmas to this.
A family tradition of cooking the turkey and chicken (I don’t like turkey) on Christmas Eve and having a turkey or chicken barm before bed, he was here for this year. Then putting out the presents off Santa along with eating the mince pie and drinking the milk left out for Santa by our Son. Then in the morning, creeping into the living room saying ‘has he been?!’ as my Dad used to.
The holiday has consisted of; nice food, presents, watching lots of Christmas TV and playing games and quizzes together. It was priceless.
However, the last 3 nights I have dreamt about my family. I have now, completely lost contact with all of them. They cannot accept or understand my reasons for staying with my husband. I cannot accept or understand their reasons for acting like he’s dead.
He has served his time. 16 months behind bars for online offences.
He is allowed to change. He is allowed to rehabilitate.
Many women I know live a double life. They see friends and family and don’t mention their husband. We shouldn’t have to live like that. I couldn’t live like that. Neither should my boys be forced to. My husband has made a mistake but he has paid the ultimate price.
He is the best version of himself now that I have known in over 23 years since we met. He deserves a second chance at life, at family.
Today I am going to visit my parents grave. I will put flowers on. I’ve not been able to face it until now.
The rest of my family though, my siblings and my nieces, nephews etc, they may as well be dead too. Although I don’t get to grieve their loss. I don’t get sympathy or empathy.
This is the price I have paid for standing by my Husband.
They have let me down too. They have not been there for me and the boys during the biggest trauma of our lives.
I have the most gratitude at having my husband here. My heart breaks for my beautiful Friends who are still going through Imprisonment. Yet there’s a great sadness lurking at the many losses I have had too. I hate that my family are creeping into my head. I’ve dreamt about them the last 3 nights too. I wonder if they think about me and the boys too?!
I wonder if they are having the usual parties I used to mostly organise, without us, fooling themselves into thinking we don’t exist?!
I wouldn’t swap my husband and our little family of 4 / sometimes 6 with the in-laws too, for the world, yet there’s still so much sadness at what’s happened. It feels incredibly unfair.
I hope one day that society accepts that most sex offenders CAN be rehabilitated?! Then maybe the bomb that’s dropped on our lives will cause a little less pain and destruction.
After the knock 