I haven’t wrote a blog for a while as life has just been plodding on I guess. That used to scare me, the thought of plodding through life. Now I crave simplicity.
I’m off work today. We both are for a change. My husband has gone to see Probation. The anticipation of what he will come back with makes me feel anxious.
He is seeing him every 2/3 weeks now. The meetings seem like ground hog day….my husband updating on family life, work, settling back in the community. All positive steps of moving forward. Probation will tell him precisely nothing new. No date for the course. No update as to when he can come home to us properly.
Last year we had been 20 years. We could spend the day together as he was in prison 😭. So this year we want to go stay in a hotel together, which we have provisionally booked but not paid for. We have not officially slept in the same bed together for almost 3 years now.
My husband had to email details to probation. Today he will discuss with him whether it has been approved. I know my husband will challenge if it hasn’t.
I told him that if he says no, tell him you are going to end up divorced. How will that reduce your risk of re-offending?
We won’t end up divorced. We’ve come too far. However, it feels very much like they are doing their upmost to force us apart.
I understand risk has to be managed. I understand licence conditions are all part of the sentence / the punishment. However, right now there feels as if there is no end in sight. We have no certainty around anything.
They presume as my husband committed an online offence against children, he is a risk of contact offending towards his own.
Research shows just 2% of online offenders’ go on to contact offend over the first 2 years I think it is. It’s almost 3 now, nobody has assessed him psychologically. Nobody wants to understand his remorse, his guilt and shame and his commitment to rehabilitate.
So in the meantime, our life, our family and our relationship is on hold.
I am exhausted with it all to be honest. I have forsaken so much for my marriage, for my little family. I can’t describe how Horrendous it feels to have to seek permission to sleep in the same bed as my own husband. I feel like I am on that register too.
In my line of work I am meeting more and more people with conditions such as Fibromyalgia. Chronic pain and anxiety due to previous Trauma. I worry so much for my own mental health and the long term effect of this on my body.
I am only in my 40s and I am already exhausted. I have spent these 3 years in almost a constant state of hyper arrousal and high emotion, in fight mode. I feel tired and achy today. I feel tired and achy a lot of days.
For anyone reading this who thinks that standing by your partner after ‘the knock’ is the easy option, let me assure you that it’s anything but!!
After the knock 
I’m not on Twitter at the moment but thankfully I receive your blogs, probation is clearly rubbish and honestly safeguarding maybes is madness. I hope you’re ok. Much love to you xx
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Thanks love hope you’re ok too ❤️
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It’s so frustrating to be at the mercy of others. I recall the feeling of despair when my ex was forced to sleep away from me whilst I was left in the house with the children. It felt as though the state had interfered in my marriage. I used to feel very angry when outside agencies would ask questions about my relationship status and I deliberately wouldn’t commit to an answer. I can only imagine how doubly frustrating it is for you because you are very much together. Sending all good wishes to you and hoping for a resolution for you soon.
In terms of the physical impacts, I really understand this. I had shingles twice and a persistent back injury through the trauma as well as a cardiac arrhythmia. It’s a heavy toll. I do believe that if the trauma is processed then the body will also be released but the trouble is it’s hard to process things when we are still in them so plenty of self care and keep up talking, therapy, and writing and you will come through this, it’s possible. ❤️
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Thank you. I know you get it. The impact. It’s only us who have been the collateral damage of these offences who can begin to understand the impact of that bomb that is dropped on our lives.
It feels as though the agencies are hell bent on pushing us away from our partners.
I hope you’re right about the trauma. I am definitely not one who bottles up emotions.
I’ve had oodles of counselling and try to do lots of self care, plus anti depressants. It’s the only way I could possibly get through this xx
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Definitely, you do so much to keep on top of things. It’s like we are feeling our way in the dark. I took anti anxiety medicine for a long time, it was the only way I could sleep properly. I do think that trauma diminishes over time if it’s processed properly. But the question is how to process it. I know you have a great therapist and that counts for a lot.
The therapy I did along the way helped me at the time but didn’t help to fully process things down the line. That, and as you know, for me “the fallout of the fallout” made recovery a lot harder. Work in progress but definitely do-able. And I certainly wouldn’t be where I am without your support & the support of this amazing community 🙏
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I agree. Without this community I think I would probably just be sitting rocking in a chair right now! Therapy is great but the hour even just once a week isn’t enough to process the fallout of this. We are all works in progress and I’m not sure there really is an ‘other side’ of this to be honest. I guess we just grow in our resilience over time. I find it hard to understand when people get so stressed over the smallest things now. So in some ways I think it’s helped me chill out a lot. It’s all relative though.
We need to keep on talking, writing and self caring 🙏💖 xxxx
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Definitely so true ❤️xx
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