If I could give a partner who has just had the knock one piece of advice right now, it would be to “Choose your battles wisely”
Standing by your partner after the knock, especially when you have children, is the biggest fight of your life.
You have to fight against your friends, your family, society’s judgements and the ‘system.’
It is, beyond exhausting.
These almost 3 years have exhausted me. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Yes they have made me stronger but I am still so worn out.
This last couple of days I have felt incredibly triggered. I’ve done some soul searching and I’ve realised why.
Tonight I have had a tearful rant at my husband. Again…
‘How could you do this to us? Do you realise the kids and I are still being punished for YOUR crime?’ Etc etc.
This tearful rant feels like we are back there in the midst of the knock and the aftermath of the trauma, when in reality we have moved far beyond that.
To be honest I’m kind of annoyed at myself right now.
I have battled, I have fought tooth and nail against everyone and everything to maintain my marriage and my family.
My biggest fear and anxiety has been social care. Their judgment and their power over my parenting, my family.
Anxiety like no other I’ve experienced before.
The social worker we had just before sentencing was horrendous. She grilled me for hours like I was on trial. I had to justify every decision I had made since the knock.
Whilst he was in prison and the case was closed, I armed myself with as much protection as possible, ready for the next massive battle..
I become an expert in safeguarding and child protection through the rigorous courses I undertook.
I wrote the most robust safety plan covering every angle.
They came back and…I did it. I reassured them that I am indeed a ‘protective parent.’ That I was capable and willing to do anything and everything to protect our children.
They closed the case on the understanding that I would be supervising initially until he had done his work with Probation and then I could make decisions around supervision.
When the social worker called to explain what basis she was closing the case on, I literally cried. Tears of relief, victory, justice.
Then probation dug their heels in. They decided he couldn’t come home until he’s done his course. They have dragged their heels since he came out 5 months ago.
I agreed with my amazing Therapist that the next battle was not mine. I had done my fighting.
However, this is having such a negative affect on both of our mental health and on our relationship.
My husband is pursuing a complaint, he has challenged their own policies, going through them with a fine tooth comb. He has requested copies of all the notes and assessments which has informed their practice.
This is taking forever. It’s 5 months now since release. No dates of the course and no certainty. No control.
So I go into problem solving mode.
This is my default mode.
I contact solicitors, I anxiously await replies and calls.
Yesterday I speak to a solicitor and go through the inns and outs of our situation.
He gives me information, a quote. Tells me what this battle may look like.
The quote is extortionate.
The battle sounds exhausting.
I look into releasing funds on our house to pay for this.
I want to get him home. We need to get him home. For all of our sakes.
“Stop!”
“Just stop.”
“This is not your battle now.”
” This is his.”
When we choose to stand by after the knock, we as partners, who did not commit the offence, are left to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives.
It’s exhausting.
It’s all consuming.
We have to learn when to fight and when to rest.
Sit on those sidelines and watch our husbands in the ring.
After the knock 