I’ve been sitting here reading about forgiveness. There are many interpretations, across psychology and religion.
‘Forgiveness is an emotion.’
‘Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.’
‘In the Bible, the Greek word translated “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”
‘Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you.’
Now I’m more confused.
It appears to mean different things to different people. More of a theory than an absolute definition.
The last 3 years, since the knock that blew my world apart, I have found forgiveness I didn’t know was possible.
The anger I experienced after the knock completely overwhelmed me. I don’t think at that point I imagined ever being able to move to anywhere near to the realms of forgiveness.
My husbands offending had completely destroyed our life as we knew it.
The more I understood how he ended up where he did, the more my anger subsided and forgiveness shone through.
Three years on and I feel like I have forgiven him.
I love him.
I want to be with him.
I’ve saw him serve his punishment for his crime.
I’ve saw him do all he can to show remorse and rehabilitate.
Endless hours of therapy, chatting to fellow partners in this community and reading up on porn addiction and offending, helping me to process.
This has all helped me massively.
As I said I feel like I have forgiven him.
Yet, a little tiredness after work and having to sort out tea….again…. Despite him finishing early today.
Suddenly my anger is back.
“You made this our life” I ranted as I scoured the fridge and freezer looking for inspiration. Four hungry mouths to feed.
He started very early today. I was here to sort out the kids, the pets, before going to work.
He finished mid afternoon. Our eldest picked his Brother up. Then he was unable to come back to the house until I am home so I can ‘supervise’.
I walk through the door and my eldest asks me, ‘What’s for tea?!’
Sadly, as I’ve been lead parent over these last 3 years, he sees me as the go to parent.
I chose to stand by my husband. I make a conscious effort, every single day, to make the most of and the best of our situation.
I focus on what we ‘can do’ not what we ‘can’t.’
I make lemonade from the shed load of lemons we’ve been served.
Yet, I am not allowed to forget, for just one day, that my husband committed online offences. None of us are.
I want to be able to say that I do forgive him. Yet as we are still very much, living the consequences of his actions, it appears impossible to say that with a degree of certainty.
I hope that one day, I am able to say that I do, fully, whole heartedly forgive him.
After the knock 
It is so hard to navigate the path to forgiveness when there are so many triggers. I can say it does and will get better. I recall these overwhelming feelings when childcare and family issues arose. It’s understandable to feel the strain of everything at times like this. Sometimes we can only plough through it. Sometimes it helps to look back on how far you have travelled.
It’s also important to understand the strain you are under, which you do understand.
I don’t think that the impacts on family members of these restrictions is understood. We carry the burden for so long, and yet the system could apply a sensible and timely assessment process.
Hang in there, it won’t always be like this, as my dad used to say. xx
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Thank you. I know you completely get it.
I am not consumed by but do have to acknowledge the destruction caused to our life.
Now he’s been to prison. He has had his punishment but he is continually punished and so are we.
We are not where we want to be but we are so far from where we were.
One day this will all feel like a nightmare we have finally woken up from. I hope 🙏💖 xx
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