Guilt by Association?!

I’m completely fed up with my amazing friends I’ve met through this, telling me stories about being ignored by others. Others openly saying they can’t have anything to do with them.

Why?!!

Guilt by association?!

IF, dear god, they dare speak to the partner of someone who has committed a sexual offence, they are guilty too.

Of what?

The crime itself?!

Do they then condone the crime?!

I can’t get my head around it..personally.

I’ve just started training as a counsellor. The most important trait which is something you can’t just learn, is empathy. I have a very empathic nature. I never see life as black and white. I never see human behaviour as black and white.

I don’t believe anyone wakes up one day and decides to become addicted to heroin, alcohol, gambling or porn.

I don’t believe anyone wakes up one day and decides to commit an offence.

Everything has a cause and effect. Human behaviour is complex.

This makes me incredibly upset and angry, that I do all I can to understand others. That I have so much empathy with others.

Empathy enables us to see the world through someone else’s eyes, to walk in their shoes. It opens us up to understand people who are different from ourselves.

This week on my course we talked about our sense of self. What makes us who we are? Our core values, ethics and frame of reference.

I feel like others look at me, a partner who stays, with disdain. The person they used to know and love, now different. Tainted by their loyalty to the ‘offender.’ A bad apple. Rotten to the core?

I believe my core values have not changed due to my husband’s offence. I do NOT now condone CSA. Nor will I ever. I don’t know how many times I must say this. Do I need to get a tattoo?!

My core values are; respect for others. The belief that people can change. The belief that wrongful behaviour does not define a persons character.. behaviour is something they do. Not something they are.

The amazing ladies I’ve met through this experience are the kindest most compassionate human beings with core values very similar to my own.

So how dare people treat us as Guilty by Association. We are NOT our partners crimes. Neither are they for that matter.

One day I hope that others afford partners like us with the respect that we deserve. Maybe one day they can begin to imagine the pain and trauma we have already ensured and do not feel the need to continue to punish us.