Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

Those of you who have a partner in prison will I’m sure know just how I feel today.

My father in law kindly helped get the usual bags and boxes out of the loft with me. This is usually my husbands job.

I’ve been cleaning and tidying all afternoon. Ready for the decorations to go up.

Then my little man put Christmas songs on, this is always a family tradition.

Then we got to work… Putting up the tree, lights in the windows etc etc. Then came the time to hang the stockings on the fireplace.

Four personalised stockings for each of the kids, hubby and I.

His stocking now hangs there even though he will be nowhere near this Christmas. It just makes me so incredibly sad.. For the boys, for myself and for him.

We will see him 2 days before and 4 days after. We will miss him terribly on Christmas day.

This is the first and only Christmas he will spend inside thankfully. I know many amazing families doing their 3rd, 4th, 5th.

I have to make Christmas special for the boys but it’s going to be tough. I am going to no doubt shed a little tear here and there, remembering all those happy Christmases together as a family of 4. Grieving for those times when he ‘should’ be here with us celebrating Christmas as a family of 4.

Today’s visit to Hubby was just me. We had planned for my youngest to come too. We both had a bath and got stuff ready last night, including getting to bed reasonably early.

The visit was 8.45am. We live around a half hour drive and you’re supposed to arrive a little before so we had to set off around 8am.

Around 7.30am I went in to my little boys room. The sun was only just beginning to rise so it was still fairly dark. He was snuggled up in his bed under a mountain of blankets. I tried to wake him and he said he was, ‘so tired.’ I reminded him we were going to see his Dad. He got upset as I could tell he was so very torn… He wanted to see his Dad but also he is completely full of cold and he just needed a little sleep in at the weekend. So we agreed I would give his Dad a’ big hug and kiss’ from him and he would stay at home with his big Brother.

Hubby completely understood of course. He has a great deal of grattitude. He feels very blessed to be able to see us weekly / fortnightly when some don’t see their kids at all. Other women I know visits are still only monthly following covid and sometimes all booked up so their kids go two months without seeing their Father.

It makes me sad that families are thought about so little in the Prison system. These super early weekend visits are completely unmanageable.

For families like us; women are single parents right now,  looking after the kids, the house, doing the school run and working. It’s not too much to expect to be able to have a lie in of a weekend after 5 early get ups.

The weekday visits are during school hours. With a teenager studying for his GCSEs it’s not ideal to be taking him out half days to visit his Dad.

I understand that prison is a form of  punishment. However I feel that the whole system is to ‘suit’ their timescales not ours.

Where is the consideration for families like us? Fortunately I drive but many people don’t and may have hours to travel to get there. I know women who have to drive three or more hours each way to visit their Husbands.

They can often be moved at the drop of a hat, even further away from their family.

I also think the criminal justice system under estimated the positive impact of family support and interaction. I can see a major difference in my Husband since visits become weekly. His cellmate in comparison has no visits and outside contact and sleeps most days and barely eats he is so depressed.

So if you’re a decision maker in this field and you’re reading this, please I urge you to put yourself in families shoes when planning your visiting timetables. Please value the support from us in helping to get our loved one through their sentence.

We are the Indirect victims of offences and we serve our own sentence on the outside.

My little one and I have not long got home. We’ve been to the theatre with a support service who work with families affected by parental imprisonment.

The tickets were funded and the kids all got slushes and sweets. The staff are so lovely. It was such an inclusive group. Adults and children mingled together.. Nobody knowing who was with who. Nobody judging.

It felt strange to do something like that just my youngest and I. My teenager is way too cool to go to a panto. Usually hubby would be with us too.

It was nice to have fun again. They put on a great performance of acting, singing and dancing. It was nice to forget for a few minutes here and there. Although there is such a sense of loss there all the time.

Prison feels like a temporary bereavement

On the way back to the car my Son said how it was ‘good to know’ that other kids have a parent in prison just like him. There’s real comfort in going through a tough time in your life and knowing you’re not the only one.

Aftet the ‘knock’ last year, I promised myself that we would accept any help and support we needed. I’ve been a support worker for many years myself. Whenever I have worked with a client who seems to struggle to accept support I’ve always said that we all need help and support at some time in our life.

Well I have practised what I preach. As much as we are coping, financially, it’s good to feel supported too. It’s good for not everything to be left down to me.

I guess I was right what I used to say to my clients, That we ‘all need support at some time in our life.’ It’s the circle of life.

Sometimes I feel like I wear two hats.

There is the ‘professional’ me; the one who advocates and supports vulnerable clients to prevent eviction. The one who feels listened to, valued and respected. Like I am making a difference in this world.

This me is confident and assertive.

Then there is the ‘off duty’ me. The one who is currently raising 2 children with a husband in Prison. The one who has very little support from family or friends. The one who misses my husband like crazy.

This me is vulnerable and broken at times.

I absolutely love what I do. I love standing up for the rights of vulnerable people. I love empowering people to make positive changes in their lives. I love seeing people grow and develop.

I remember a previous manager saying to me how I am in my ‘element’ supporting people and I am. Fighting for social justice is not just what I get paid to do, it’s who I am

This afternoon I’ve been with a very complex client. He’s spent his adult life battling homelessness, offending, addiction and substance misuse. Following a short spell in our supported tenancies he is now settled in his own flat. He is absolutely flying. He has reestablished contact with his Son, is off probation for the first time in 20 years and is stable on his drug treatment programme.

He is extremely proactive himself but he is also very grateful for my support. He is very respectful towards me.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Would he be shocked if he knew that I had a husband in Prison? That I myself had lost relationships and friendships that won’t be reestablished any time soon?!

There are certain things I will disclose to clients to help our relationship such as; I have children, I have battled my own mental health. However I will never be able to disclose that I have a husband in Prison who is now on a register for Indecent Images of children. Nobody will ever understand that. Worse still they would as many of my family and friends have ; lose all respect for me.

I know through this journey, many women who are in positions of trust just like me; Therapists, school teachers, family support workers, a police officer, a student training to become a psychologists. We are all safe guarding trained to the hilt… Yet we are all trying to understand our husbands / family members offence. We are all supporting.

The whole arena of ‘child abuse’ is the most contraversial of arenas.

My Tramua therapist talked to me about Moral Injury. The definition is:

Moral injury refers to an injury to an individual’s moral conscience and values resulting from an act of perceived moral transgression, which produces profound emotional guilt and shame, and in some cases also a sense of betrayal, anger and profound “moral disorientation”.

This resonates with me so well.

Everything I stand for; protecting vulnerable adults and children has been challenged when trying to get my head around what my husband has done. It’s deeply traumatic that anyone would believe that women like us would ever condone.

Infact I believe the opposite to be true. We are the women that are compassionate, kind, caring, empathic. We are the women who understand how complex human beings are and how good people are led down dark paths.

So these 2 hats I wear; they are both me. Neither one is a facade. Just like the other women I know. We are not just one thing. Just as our husbands / family members are so much more than their offence.

I decided to drop my youngest to school on foot this morning. I went for a walk and browsed in some shops. An overwhelming feeling of anger and sadness kept washing over me as I tried to distract my mind by looking for a Christmas jumper for him for school Santa dash in a couple of weeks.

The anger and sadness makes me want to scream! To shout from the roof tops;

IT WASN’T ME!!!!

The simple question from the Trauma therapist yesterday; ‘Do you still meet up with Friends?!’ Not a loaded question on her part but ever since I have ruminating thoughts of incredible sadness and abandonment.

I have been a support worker for several years and worked with the most complex people in society. Those with severe and enduring mental health issues, offending history, substance misuse and offending. Those who are ‘Socially excluded‘

The Wikipedia definition is:

‘Social exclusion is a multidimensional process of progressive social rupture, detaching groups and individuals from social relations and institutions and preventing them from full participation in the normal, normatively prescribed activities of the society in which they live.’

I realise I am now in this category. I have become by default ‘Socially excluded.’

Not long after my husband was arrested, he told me that he’d never felt like he ‘fitted in’ in school, college or work places. Suffering from social anxiety he struggled to interact in group situations. I told him that the irony was due to his offence he had now ‘Socially excluded’ himself.

Never did it occur to me that by default I would be too.

As part of the assessment process with clients in my current job there is a question I have to ask which I do so very sensitively. Do you have a next of kin? I always say,

‘Is there anyone you would like to put down as an emergency contact?’

Quite often the answer is, ‘No.’

Infact once I remember someobody, an elderly guy with Schizophrenia, saying ‘Can I put my G.P?!’

Can you imagine that? Your G.P being the only person who may care if something happens to you?!

Where has our human kindness and compassion gone?! Why do we just write people off so very easily?!

The women I have met through this journey, many of us say we could never live with ourselves if we just wrote our Husbands off. Many of us now have Husbands in prison. We have been effectively ‘abandoned’ by many family and friends. Now we are facing the biggest trauma of our lives with little support. Thank God for the forums where we have managed to connect with eachother.

Their crime was NOT ours.

Their actions were NOT ours.

Their behaviour we will NEVER condone

To love someone unconditionally (see my previous blog) I feel should be commended.

I feel that it’s INHUMANE to write someone off because they made a mistake. Especially those who own their mistake and are paying for it. How can people ever change if they are not reintegrated into society?!

Being ‘Socially Excluded‘ is unfair and unjust. If you are reading this and there is someone you know who you’ve walked away from because you cannot find it in your heart to forgive them or try to understand their journey then I urge you to put yourself in theirs shoes.

Think of how it feels to feel unloved, unsupported and abandoned.

I can tell you: It hurts like hell.

So today I’ve had specialist trauma therapy. The 2 women who run the session are brilliant. They praised me on how well I am doing. How much I’ve processed everything and my level of emotional intelligence. It’s encouraging to know I am on the right track. It’s been over 18 months of heartache and digging deep to understand… Building my emotional resilience.

Towards the end of the session we talked about self care and what I do to look after myself.

I talked of how I have hot bubble baths, write in my journal, this blog I’ve now started, spend time with my boys, meditate, use my incense and candles and healing crystals. I also talked of how on my days off when the boys are at school I always do nice things for me… Go out for breakfast or lunch, go shopping, sometimes have a massage. I also told them that I have support form other women going through this via WhatsApp groups. How I speak to them daily.

Then one of them asked me a question which was very difficult for me. Do I still meet up with friends?!

The simplest answer is no. I don’t.

Why? Because sadly I don’t have friends who support me and my husband. Also being from a large family of girls I have always socialised with my sisters and nieces which is no longer a possibility.

The response I gave has made me feel very sad and alone. I am with my boys most of the time and see my inlaws regularly but do I have a friend I could go for a coffee or lunch with? No I don’t.

Since the knock, my husband is the one I did those things with. Now he’s in prison until December 2022.

Why am I being punished for his crime?! Why does the love and support I have shown my husband mean I lose so much myself?! I know I could have maintained superficial relationships with people, careful not to mention my husband, pretending he doesn’t exist but I cannot do that. Nor will I be emotionally blackmailed by people to walk away from my marriage.

The family and friends who have walked away from me have no idea how difficult this is. They are also the people I have never gave up on no matter what.

Families of offenders are NOT recognised as victims. How when we lose so much?!

Today we visited my husband, the boys and I. It was so lovely. Such a surreal environment but just so lovely to be together the 4 of us. It makes the judgement and the trauma of all we been through these last 18 months kind of pain into insignificance when we are all together.
Nobody has or ever will make me feel how my husband does. He looks at me the upmost love and respect. I know that’s so hard for some to believe after everything we’ve been and are going through but I know in my heart of hearts he never meant to hurt me and the boys.
We spent around 2 hours together all 4 of us as we should be… Then the boys and I left and we went shopping for some Christmas clothes for the boys. Then we went to maccies before heading home. We are doing OK. We get through each day. But there is a massive hole in our life where he should be. I know many women who’s husbands never went to prison for their online offences equal to if not worse than my husbands. There really is no rhyme or reason in the criminal justice system. It feels like a lottery as to who gets a custodial and who doesn’t. Those sentencing guidelines can be interpreted however the judge sees fit.
So now we are home and the tears are flowing. It’s Saturday night. The  night when most couples are together. Well I sit with a glass of wine watching TV with our 10 year old son whilst my husband will be watching TV with his cell mate.
I know people have to pay for their crimes but we, the families are the hidden victims. He is my Husband and the boys Father. He is needed here with us where he belongs.
The grief of missing someone you love just hurts so much.

So after a few days of Twitter and writing my blog I am pleased to say that I feel empowered.

Social care, police, family and friends have silenced me since my Husbands arrest and made me feel completely powerless. I am reclaiming my voice.

I have tried for the first weeks and months to explain things to my family… To explain my understanding and education around my husbands offending and how he ended up where he did.. I was not listened to or respected. I have come to the conclusion that some people at some point in their lives stop listening. They stop absorbing new information and they go out of their way to reaffirm their concrete views of the world. I pity those people actually. The world keeps on moving forward and leaves them far behind. Sadly I am related to many of these people who are ‘stuck’.

When we try and try to help these people understand, we bang our head against a brick wall and it achieves nothing but to give us a headache.

This week I have had lots of respectful conversations with people who want to understand.

The online world has created new social issues. Services such as police and social care need to move forward as they too are ‘stuck.’ Porn sites and social media are completely unregulated platforms. Infact they could be more toxic than people realise they could actually create these social problems as opposed to the belief that they merely expose them.

Society believes that men like my husband have hid their attraction to children well…. For 70+ years in some cases. I feel that is a far too naive and simplistic interpretation of this epidemic we have on our hands. Society loves to put things in a carefully sealed box with a big label and hide it away under a big carpet so nobody has to understand or take ownership of it… That carpet is bursting at the seams.

I have worked in mental health / homelessness and addiction support for many years. I would love to work in recovery / rehabilitation but I do not have ‘lived’ experience which is valued in this area.

Recovery is inspirational to others in the crooks of addiction.

I believe that my husband, and the husband of the amazing women I’ve met through this journey, had a porn addiction. If we recognise this and help these men recover then surely they can help others to do the same?!

Maybe then we may stop seeing 850 men per month arrested for this crime.

So today I joined Twitter as a good friend, one of my fellow ‘Warrior women’ suggested that it could be a way to get my voice heard. So far so good.

I was reluctant at first as I have disengaged with Mainstream social media as I believe the platforms have become very toxic and what was designed to bring us together is now dividing us and fueling hatred.

This new account I will follow only those that share my values. I also have an Instagram account where I share and follow mindfullness and wellbeing accounts only. Things that motivate and inspire me.

This for me feels like my new angle of social media engagement and to be honest its quite liberating. When you go through such a life changing experience and also experience a complete lack of control over lots of things in your life just as I have over the past 18 months, the more you realise that you have to change the things you can control.

I am not religious but I try to live by the Serenity prayer of:

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’ve just read on our local paper website that the journalist who reported my husbands case in the media has reported a similar case today… A 72 year old pensioner….
Watching online porn and escalating into indecent images and pseudo images which is cartoon images.
No dark Web mentioned.. Just via the usual porn pathways like my husbands and others like him.
He has had his sentencing suspended for 2 weeks to enable a pre sentence report to be done.
So this 72 year old guy has has been publicly humiliated and shamed… Could potentially lose his family, friends, at risk of being targeted in his local community… All for what?? A two bit journalist to get a few likes and shares on social media?!
Yes this man has comitted a crime but…

I remind you that statistically online offenders pose a 2% risk to ‘real’ children… So the other 98% don’t. 75% of men are led into indecent images via ordinary porn.

Why is our criminal justice system not sufficient punishment?
The public will read this article and automatically assume this guy is the ‘P’ word. He is 72 years old. He may have had a wife, children. He may have devoted his life to helping others… Now suddenly none of that matters and his last 72 years on earth will be defined by this assumed label for the rest of his days.
Why is this content allowed to exist?! Who is accountable for illegal material being so accessible on ordinary porn sites?!
Who are the people making these images? Who is catching them? Why aren’t Journalists reporting the real crimes that are being comitted?!
The police continue to arrest the low hanging fruit, around 850 men a month in the uk, journalists continue to report on a handful of these cases and destroy lives, destroy families.