It’s 18 months since ‘the knock’ that blew our life apart.
I sit here alone watching TV with the dog curled up next to me. My youngest is in bed, my eldest playing fifa online with his mates. My husband… He is locked in a prison cell miles away from us with only a stranger for company. He should be here with us… In the home we both own with ‘our’ children and ‘our’ pets.
Today I’ve been off work and had my counselling therapy. The vast majority of the session was about the judgement and punishment I feel as a wife… Standing by the man I love… The man I’ve been with for 22 years.
My therapist suggested I start a blog to help me to process stuff and also to help others as there are sadly… Hundreds of families every month dealing with the aftermath of ‘the knock.’
May 2020 was the day it happened. I had been working shifts and was grateful for a day off. My Husband was working from home, me and our youngest were in the living room having breakfast, our eldest in bed. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I went in the hallway to answer it but the door was opened and a very tall man barged his way into our home, followed by an army of others.
My shock turned to disbelief as he told me he had a warrant to search our home. I think I got a little snappy with him insisting he tell me what was going on. He encouraged me to sit down and handed me the warrant which clearly stated that they were looking for devices used to store indecent images of children.
My immediate question to him was if the children could have accidentally downloaded something and he said quite possibly. I then proceeded to wake my eldest and ask the 2 of them which they both knew nothing about.
I went back downstairs and realised my Husband who was in the dining room with other officers, was hand cuffed.
Admidst a team of plain clothed officers searching our home, I managed to get myself and the boys dressed and asked if we could go out for a walk which we did.
When we returned my Husband was then in the living room being questioned as several electronic devices were shown to him. I asked him if he knew what it was all about at first he couldn’t look at me. He just put his head down and eventually nodded. I asked how he could throw his whole life away and he replied because I am an idiot.
I was told he would be taken for questioning and later bailed. I told them I didn’t want him coming back to our home.. I was shocked, angry and upset to say the least. Me and the kids left the house then as I didn’t want them to see their Dad carted off in hand cuffs. They hadn’t been raised in that sort of world.
I then had to go and break the news to his Parents. He is an only child, the Perfect Son. His dad put his head in his hands and his mum cried. I felt like I had put a knife through their hearts!
I managed to speak to him once he was bailed. He was absolutely broken. He told me that he had been watching porn as a way of escaping and it has escalated from there as he had become completely desensitised. He said nothing felt real as it was behind a screen.
I can’t describe how my world fell apart after that bomb was dropped. We had been together for 19 years at that point. Married for 18 and all the certainty in my life was taken away in the blink of an eye, after that knock. I felt like I was in the middle of a maze with brick walls all around me.
Social care contacted us and came out to assess our 2 boys. They told me he couldn’t have any contact until their assessment was complete. There were no concerns as to the welfare of our boys. He had been a Dad for 14 years at that point. Not just a Dad, a fantastic hands on Dad who our boys worshipped! So 5 weeks of complete seperation and no contact with the Dad they had known all of their lives was very confusing and tough for our 2 boys as well as very traumatic for both my Husband and I. We eventually were approved for supervised contact either by me or his Parents. My own husband being babysit with his own children.
So contact was supervised by me at first in the community and then in our family home during visits and no overnight stays. We maintained his for 14 months and our boys were happy and thriving. Used to our new situation. Both my husband and I were working through things, he was addressing his offending and rehabilitation via Lucy Faithful Inform plus course and Stop so specialist therapy, all privately funded. I also took part in the Inform course and joined forums and make contact with other women to fully understand this offence and meet others going through the same trauma.
After 11 months, the devices had been checked and my Husband was interviewed and charged with possession and distribution of indecent images of children. His pre sentence report was very positive highlighting all of the work he had done since and the rehabilitation plan in the community. A suspended sentence was the most likely outcome expected.
Once he plead guilty at the plea hearing, social care were back in our lives. I was visited by a Social worker and interrogated is the only word I can use to describe. Her personal opinions and lack of professionalism shone through as she accused me of believing whatever he tells me and used my knowledge and education against me saying it ‘stops me’ from seeing the risk. I failed to answer yes when she asked me if I think he poses a risk to our boys. How could I say he does? He has been the best Father. They are happy and well adjusted children and his offence was an online one, looking at girls, not boys. She used this against me too.
However on the day of court, the judge added up the sentence as per guidelines as some mitigation was taken off. Sadly not enough for a suspended. My husband was handed a 32 month sentence and is expected to serve 16 months inside. We are 3 months in now.
So we are now dealing with the aftermath of the next bomb. It was 2 months before risk assessments were complete and the boys were able to speak to and see their dad. Also the case hit the media so the children were both anxious incase any of their friends know and comment. Fortunately all has been OK so far.
My mental health is very up and down. Despite being on the highest dose of anti depressants and having counselling regularly.
As for support, the children and I have his elderly parents and my Brother in law has been great, that’s it really. My parents have passed away and my family won’t even try to understand why I still love this man. They see him as the ‘P’ word as printed in the media. A word banded about far too easily of an offence born of poor mental health and addiction. They have no empathy for the trauma we are going through, just judgements around my decision to remain with my husband. I feel like I am being punished.
My Husband got into this online behaviour during a mental health breakdown in his late 30s. He is not the monster that society wishes to portray these men to be. He deserves and more so, the children and I deserve a future. My Husband is paying for his crime via the criminal justice system. He does not need society to punish him further. That will not help him, the children and I and it certainly won’t help the online victims.
Sadly there is around 850 men a month arrested for this offence in the UK alone. Its a pandemic bubbling under the surface of society. We need to acknowledge it’s happening. We also need to acknowledge that this could be your husband, your son, brother or best friend. Its not the local flasher or weirdo with no friends. This is a real addiction that men are getting into far too easily as the online world is becoming flooded with these images and videos. Yet wheat is happening to those who take these and put them there? More importantly, how are these online platforms allowing this stuff to exist?!
How have I survived these past 18 months? I have met a group of amazing women… Warrior women we call ourselves because quite simply that’s what we are.. We are the wives or mothers of these men, arrested for their online behaviour. I have 3 WhatsApp groups and this circle of women have become my friends / my family when those who won’t try to understand have stepped away.
Supporting and loving my husband does not mean I have ever or will ever condone his offending. Regardless of the route into it.. He has comitted a crime and he does have to pay.. However…. Everything I’ve learnt these past 18 months has enabled me to understand a little how he ended up where he did. My husband has been my rock throughout my mums long battle with dementia and losing her and Dad. His love and support got me through my darkest days. Now I am getting him through his because I love him and that’s what marriage is all about. My Husbands arrest has caused unbelievable consequences for us but I know he never intended to hurt me and the children.
After the knock 