Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

So, yet another door was closed yesterday.

My husbands job.

I’ve spoken about this previously. We knew it was a possibility.

He started a delivery job around January this year.

During the interview he disclosed he has ‘unspent convictions.’

The manager told him that he didn’t need to disclose at that time but may need to to HR, further down the line

He was offered the job and started soon after.

He got stuck in..doing whatever shifts he was put down for..never complaining. Agreeing to cover when they were short.

Months went by, suddenly a request from his Manager to submit documentation for a DBS.

He willingly brought the documents in, reminded his manager of a conviction.

A few weeks later, his manager collared him. Asked if he knew what was on the DBS. My husband was open and disclosed.

His manager told him he was his ‘best driver’ and he was going to try and move him onto packing instead whereby no DBS was required.

Weeks later, nothing changed. My husband kept his head down and continued to put his all into that role. Of course he did. Despite his online convictions, he is completely over qualified for delivering food shopping.

Fast forward to yesterday. His manager is off this week. Another manager called him and asked him to come into the office.

He asked him about his DBS. Clearly having been informed already. My husband openly told him of his convictions. He was sent home on the spot, whilst they sought advice.

A short while later he received a phone call. He was given 2 options. He either partake in an internal investigation, or he give his verbal resignation there and then.

He was practically told the internal investigation wouldn’t end well, given he was reminded that the role required passing a basic safeguarding check. So he has no choice but to offer his verbal resignation there and then.

After doing the job well for 9 months, it ended, just like that.

It’s 3 years and 3 months since his arrest now.

My husband is more than just his online offences. Much more.

So this is another closed door. Another dire consequence of his offending.

He has been to prison. He has served his time. He is rehabilitating, or trying to.

When will he stop being defined by the worst thing he’s ever done.

He has taken it well to be honest. He has so much gratitude these days for what he has, not what he hasn’t.

I am proud of him. His strength and resilience to break down these barriers and move forward is amazing.

He will find something else, I know he will. The job suited him for now though. Something physical and not mentally challenged like his previous job which contributed to the stress that led him down the path of Offending in the first place.

However, these closed doors are yet another example of how society do not want to rehabilitate sex offenders. They want to continue to punish. Disporionste risk management. Societies personal bias around sexual offences of any kind.

Things need to change.

Can we over empathise?

I have worked in various supporting / complex needs rolls for over 20 years. I am a natural empathy so I don’t have to try to understand others. To not judge.

I absolutely love what I do. Watching people flourish, feeds my soul. If I don’t work in a role such as this, I feel like I’ve had my wings clipped.

However, since my husband was arrested in 2020 and I have been going through the biggest trauma of my life, it’s hard.

My current job is very focused around positive wellbeing management. I advocate this on a daily basis to those I support.

Every day at work I speak to many vulnerable people. Affected by physical illness, mental illness, caring roles, children with additional needs, bereavement, housing issues, poverty and deprevation.

My role is supposed to be about helping them to engage within their community, to reduce isolation and build strong community links.

However, the vast majority of my role becomes an informal counselling one.

This is a difficult time to do a job like mine. Under a Tory government. Energy crisis, housing crisis, post COVID depression and isolation etc etc etc.

So, I do my best to support, signpost, empower those I work with. To try to help them see light in shades of darkness. To help them to take control of their lives and work towards positive goals. Addressing and knocking down several barriers along the way.

My job used to be something I did during the day. I would go home to my husband, my children. My stable life. A world apart from those I support.

I could empathise but switch off.

Now, my husband is not able to stay here overnight, is still on probation. We’ve endured court, prison, media. The scrutiny of social care and abandonment by my own family. Over 3 years down the line, we are still not where we want to be.

The bereavement I’ve endured losing both of my parents and my mum’s long battle with dementia, I can share, occasionally, when relevant. If someone is consumed by grief of a loved one. I can tell them I do relate, I too have been there.

What I can’t share is this. The life I am still living. The long term affects of my husbands arrest, imprisonment etc.

So my own life now feels very similar to that of those I speak to. Those with depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation. I too am still experiencing all of this. I am still on medication and I am still having Counselling and CBT therapy.

In some ways I feel like a fraud. Those I support have no idea what my life is like.

I guess none of us really know what secret battle others have.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that empathy is objective, until you are actually going through similar experiences. Then you don’t only relate, you feel their pain, your pain, all rolled into one.

Now I feel like I am a sponge. I soak up other people’s emotions and feel full, like I need ringing out.

One of my good friends in a similar situation, she suggested maybe the job is too much for me, right now.

She definitely has a point.

I have mulled this over last night and today.

I know I am good at my job. I am passionate, compassionate, empathic and respectful of all the clients I work with. I am regularly thanked for my help, support. I am, as I am so motivated to do, making a difference.

So what is the answer? I honestly don’t know

I have spoke to work about us as a team needing more emotional support.

Meditation, hot baths, massaged, self care in any capacity is a must.

I have woke today feeling incredibly sick and anxious.

We are 3 years and 2 months from the knock now. We are trying to move forward. Life keeps pulling us back.

My husband is about to lose his job. Due to his DBs coming through. He’s already lost his 20 year career, now he is about to lose his menial job. The job he managed to secure post release. Being honest about having a conviction they said they didn’t need full details of at the time.

This week has been an emotional one for various reasons. It’s apparent that the children and I are still not healed from this trauma. I worry we never will be.

So yesterday, the trauma was triggered all over again for me. I shouted at him, I questioned him. I questioned myself, my sanity.

I love my husband. I see him do absolutely everything he can to rehabilitate. He has served his time. Yet society cannot seem to see beyond his offending.

I am fed up being punished for a crime I did not commit!! For a crime I do not condone!! I’ve lost my whole family and friends too.

My new family is my fellow partners. The ones who are going through this too.

I am an empath. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I soak up other people’s emotions and feel them. I genuinely feel others pain

These ladies are my lifeline. The kindest, most compassionate, loyal and genuine group of ladies I have ever met.

Yet like me, each and every one of them continues to be punished for a crime they did not commit.

The WhatsApp groups I am part of, have so much going on in them. Such as;

Barriers to employment, housing, disclosure to school, people in the new area finding out, abandonment from family and friends, sentencing years post knock. Not to mention social care and probations judgments and restrictions. The list is endless.

Standing by your partner after they comitted a sexual offence is difficult to say the least. Each and every one of us has been through a huge trauma. Whilst we are all strong and resilient women, we are also easily triggered. Our wounds are still healing and so when salt is rubbed into them, it hurts.

Society and professionals have to stop judging us. Have to stop punishing us.

We are not in denial of their offence. How can we be? We are living the consequences. So don’t think you know us and know who we are.

I am very proud to be a part of a community whereby we do not write someone we love off because they made a huge mistake. We are forgiving, kind, caring and empathic human beings. We deserve the respect we show to others.

Punishing us does not save victims. Punishing us does not write any wrongs or condone CSA. Quite the opposite. We want to prevent future victims just as much as everyone else.

I have no idea where to begin this letter. I just know that I need to write it. I need to feel heard.

I have no idea if I will even send it.

It’s been over 3 years now since my husband was arrested.

He has served 16 months in prison and has now been out for almost 7 months.

Life is still difficult. Not quite as difficult as it was but still tough.

I know you are all very much stuck in your anger, shock and disgust at his offence.

The first thing I need to say, is that I am just as shocked and appalled at what he did as you are. As anyone is. I always will be.

I am still the same person. I am still kind, caring and empathic.

My decision to stand by him, is not because I condone his offending. It is because I know as I said over and over again after his arrest, that is not all he is.

You know that he is my soulmate. We have been together since we were barely out of our teens. Throughout mums illness. Losing her and Dad. He held me together when I was so broken. He has been a brilliant husband and father to our boys.

This doesn’t change because of his offending. My love for him has never gone away. Despite my overwhelming anger at what has happened to our life as a result of his offending.

Society wants to believe that men who look at these images online are attracted to children in real life. That they are potential contact offenders. admittedly this was my stance initially.

Now 3 years down the line, I see different. Sadly I’ve been dragged into this world. I’ve done courses, spoke to copious amounts of other women like me, professional therapists etc etc.

Sadly, he is just one of around 1000 men arrested for these crimes in the UK every month.This is not black and white.

I have learnt about how dire Mental health, porn addiction and desensitisation can enable things to escalate. The porn world does sadly not have a clear line between between mainstream porn and illegal.

I do not believe that my husband is the P word. I believe that he was unwell, addicted and completely down a rabbit hole not seeing what was right or wrong. I also now understand that mentally he was very unwell.

Since his arrest, he has done absolutely everything within his power to firstly understand why and how he ended up where he did. Then go rehabilitate. He has also served his time.

Words simply cannot describe what me and the children have been through. To have him removed from our life for those 16 months was sheer hell. If it hadn’t have been for my inlaws, the other women going through the same and a lot of therapy, I would not have got through this What hurts.

What has hurt me almost equally to his offending, has been the abandonment I have endured through my whole family.

I did not commit his crime.

I do not condone his crime.

Neither do our children.

Not one of you asked how we were when he was away. Have no idea if I was coping or not.

Somehow you have convinced yourselves that I am evil. That I condone child abuse and I am not the person you once knew.

Well I am here to tell you. I am. I am more my authentic self than I have ever been.

I have been a support worker for many many years. I believe in rehabilitation. I believe in second chances. So when the person I have spent my life with committed such a shocking crime, I had no choice but to put my head into it. I could not walk away from a good man and end my family because he made a mistake.

I do not believe this is who my husband is. I believe this is something he done. Something he can change. Something he has.

Yes he deserved to be punished for his crime. He has been over and over again. 3 years down the line he is still not able to live with his wife and children in our family home.

We deserve to be able to move forward.

This is very difficult when I have been punished by my own family.

If I had one wish what would it be?

My husband to be able to sleep in the same bed as me?

Probation to see all the work we’ve done?

Let him come home to our family again?

Or would I wish our children were fully grown?

That the decision to have him back would be mine alone?

Or would I wish for a lottery wind fall?

Pay for the best lawyers and take them to court?

If I had one wish, it would have to be,

That we never had to go through this pain and misery.

I hate injustice of any kind.

My boys call me a ‘Karen’ always standing up for people’s rights. (Apologies to any lovely Karen’s out there for the stereotype). I am actually happy to be one.

What’s the alternative?

Being a pushover?

Being a people pleaser? I guess I’ve been guilty of that in the past. However, going through my own trauma has enabled me to become my authentic self.

This morning I woke after a dream. My eldest sister and niece. Nothing exciting. Some sort of party, vague recall of a wedding perhaps.

I woke and the stark reality hit me. Again.

They are no longer part of my life. They haven’t been for almost 3 years.

They never will be again.

Then I reach for my phone and turn my WiFi on.

A message off one of the other ladies. Heartbroken and incredibly sad. Still facing the aftermath of her husbands offending, 2.5 years post arrest.

As I lie there alone, my husband asleep a mile away at his parents house, I feel myself getting upset. For me. For my friend. For all of the amazing, incredibly strong women going through this. Some of whom are my friends, some more my family.

I have always been empathic. I am naturally able to put myself in other peoples shoes and understand the world from their perspective. This enables me to be a good support worker. I don’t judge. I understand.

However, the empathy I feel for these other ladies, is on another level. For I don’t only understand how they may feel, I feel their emotions. I feel like I soak them up like a sponge.

This group of ladies, up and down the UK, are the most amazing ladies I have ever met. They are kind, respectful, compassionate and incredibly strong.

They each inspire me to keep going. When the odds are stacked against us. When our husbands offending has smashed our lives to pieces, they keep on going… Spinning plates, playing whackamole, knocking down those challenges as they come up.

Yet there is so much pain, so much heartache. It’s hard to bare at times.

We choose to stand by our husbands, these guys who committed their crimes, we know they are not the monsters society wants to believe they are.

Yet loving them and maintaining our family feels like loving them ‘against all odds’.

The punishment we face is immense.

The scrutiny from police, social care, the abandonment from friends and family. It goes on and on. Those of us who have had media reporting, we live in the fear that this is just one click away from resurfacing and another bomb dropping on our lives.

We, as a community, have become incredibly strong and resilient. We make lemonade from the lemons, we appreciate the small things others take for granted.

Yet, I just cannot help but feel that life for us, is completely unfair.

We have found love, understanding and forgiveness for our partners on another level. We deserve to be rewarded for that. Not punished.

I’ve been sitting here reading about forgiveness. There are many interpretations, across psychology and religion.

‘Forgiveness is an emotion.’

‘Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.’

‘In the Bible, the Greek word translated “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”

‘Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you.’

Now I’m more confused.

It appears to mean different things to different people. More of a theory than an absolute definition.

The last 3 years, since the knock that blew my world apart, I have found forgiveness I didn’t know was possible.

The anger I experienced after the knock completely overwhelmed me. I don’t think at that point I imagined ever being able to move to anywhere near to the realms of forgiveness.

My husbands offending had completely destroyed our life as we knew it.

The more I understood how he ended up where he did, the more my anger subsided and forgiveness shone through.

Three years on and I feel like I have forgiven him.

I love him.

I want to be with him.

I’ve saw him serve his punishment for his crime.

I’ve saw him do all he can to show remorse and rehabilitate.

Endless hours of therapy, chatting to fellow partners in this community and reading up on porn addiction and offending, helping me to process.

This has all helped me massively.

As I said I feel like I have forgiven him.

Yet, a little tiredness after work and having to sort out tea….again…. Despite him finishing early today.

Suddenly my anger is back.

“You made this our life” I ranted as I scoured the fridge and freezer looking for inspiration. Four hungry mouths to feed.

He started very early today. I was here to sort out the kids, the pets, before going to work.

He finished mid afternoon. Our eldest picked his Brother up. Then he was unable to come back to the house until I am home so I can ‘supervise’.

I walk through the door and my eldest asks me, ‘What’s for tea?!’

Sadly, as I’ve been lead parent over these last 3 years, he sees me as the go to parent.

I chose to stand by my husband. I make a conscious effort, every single day, to make the most of and the best of our situation.

I focus on what we ‘can do’ not what we ‘can’t.’

I make lemonade from the shed load of lemons we’ve been served.

Yet, I am not allowed to forget, for just one day, that my husband committed online offences. None of us are.

I want to be able to say that I do forgive him. Yet as we are still very much, living the consequences of his actions, it appears impossible to say that with a degree of certainty.

I hope that one day, I am able to say that I do, fully, whole heartedly forgive him.

If I could give a partner who has just had the knock one piece of advice right now, it would be to “Choose your battles wisely”

Standing by your partner after the knock, especially when you have children, is the biggest fight of your life.

You have to fight against your friends, your family, society’s judgements and the ‘system.’

It is, beyond exhausting.

These almost 3 years have exhausted me. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Yes they have made me stronger but I am still so worn out.

This last couple of days I have felt incredibly triggered. I’ve done some soul searching and I’ve realised why.

Tonight I have had a tearful rant at my husband. Again…

‘How could you do this to us? Do you realise the kids and I are still being punished for YOUR crime?’ Etc etc.

This tearful rant feels like we are back there in the midst of the knock and the aftermath of the trauma, when in reality we have moved far beyond that.

To be honest I’m kind of annoyed at myself right now.

I have battled, I have fought tooth and nail against everyone and everything to maintain my marriage and my family.

My biggest fear and anxiety has been social care. Their judgment and their power over my parenting, my family.

Anxiety like no other I’ve experienced before.

The social worker we had just before sentencing was horrendous. She grilled me for hours like I was on trial. I had to justify every decision I had made since the knock.

Whilst he was in prison and the case was closed, I armed myself with as much protection as possible, ready for the next massive battle..

I become an expert in safeguarding and child protection through the rigorous courses I undertook.

I wrote the most robust safety plan covering every angle.

They came back and…I did it. I reassured them that I am indeed a ‘protective parent.’ That I was capable and willing to do anything and everything to protect our children.

They closed the case on the understanding that I would be supervising initially until he had done his work with Probation and then I could make decisions around supervision.

When the social worker called to explain what basis she was closing the case on, I literally cried. Tears of relief, victory, justice.

Then probation dug their heels in. They decided he couldn’t come home until he’s done his course. They have dragged their heels since he came out 5 months ago.

I agreed with my amazing Therapist that the next battle was not mine. I had done my fighting.

However, this is having such a negative affect on both of our mental health and on our relationship.

My husband is pursuing a complaint, he has challenged their own policies, going through them with a fine tooth comb. He has requested copies of all the notes and assessments which has informed their practice.

This is taking forever. It’s 5 months now since release. No dates of the course and no certainty. No control.

So I go into problem solving mode.

This is my default mode.

I contact solicitors, I anxiously await replies and calls.

Yesterday I speak to a solicitor and go through the inns and outs of our situation.

He gives me information, a quote. Tells me what this battle may look like.

The quote is extortionate.

The battle sounds exhausting.

I look into releasing funds on our house to pay for this.

I want to get him home. We need to get him home. For all of our sakes.

“Stop!”

“Just stop.”

“This is not your battle now.”

” This is his.”

When we choose to stand by after the knock, we as partners, who did not commit the offence, are left to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives.

It’s exhausting.

It’s all consuming.

We have to learn when to fight and when to rest.

Sit on those sidelines and watch our husbands in the ring.

When will I be able to sleep in the same bed as my own husband?

When will I stop having to justify why I stood by him?

When will I be able to go to the shop and leave my children with their Dad?

When will I forget, for just one day that my husband committed a sexual offence?

When will I be in control of my own life, family and marriage again?!

When will this grey cloud hovering above finally lift?

When will the sacrifices and energy and I have put into maintaining my marriage and my family, Finally pay off?!

We’ve just been to an event in a park south of the city where we live.

A lovely walk around with hubby, our son and the dogs.

A friend I worked with and lost touch with lives very close to there.

Today I saw her in the courtyard where we sat having a snack and drink.

The relevance of the tree is that her little girl was, with other children, climbing the tree that separated us.

She had a little girl a few years ago. Today she was carrying a baby boy. Hers I presume.

We didn’t have a fall out as such, so ordinarily I would probably have gone over and said hello.

However, today, I just kept my back turned and hoped she hadn’t saw me.

Why?!

Because now I don’t know who knows and who doesn’t.

I came off Facebook during the pandemic, not long before the knock coincidentally.

Prior to this I was fairly active on there. Proudly posting family pics for all to see.

The job I worked in with her was a big team. I was friends with a fair few on there, including her.

Has she seen the article?

Does she know my husband is a sex offender?

I feel torn between being confident and comfortable in my decision to support him and rebuild our family. The shame and guilt I’ve processed through therapy for the last couple of years.

Then there’s the small part of me that wants to hide. Especially when I am actually with my husband.

I live in a big city. We have not moved. I know many people through various jobs etc, throughout the city.

As the title suggests, I feel vulnerable and yet I refuse to hide.

Why should we?!

I am a good person. I should not be judged for my husbands offence and my decision to understand and maintain my family.

Yet when those who are supposed to love you, have walked away, you don’t believe that anyone from your ‘old life’ will ever understand or even try.

Things need to change.

Things HAVE to change!!!

Sex offenders now make up 20% of the prison population. They are just the ones who get a custodial sentence. Many don’t.

So those, like myself, who support as well as the offender themselves, are a large proportion of society to be written off.