Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

Motivational speaker Gavin Oattes has campaigned to stop us wishing away Mondays. They make up 1/7 of our week or 52/53 days of the year. In 2019 he even went around handing out balloons trying to turn blue Monday into ‘Balloon Monday.’

I know since my school days, Sunday night / Monday morning I was always full of dread.

Since I heard him talk about this at a work conference many years ago, I have been mindful of this.

Monday should be a day of hope, possibilities. A new week, a blank page.

Sadly over the last couple of months I have started to hate Mondays again.

I work part time Wednesday to Friday and so I am off Mondays and Tuesdays.

These are the days I have tried to dedicate to self care. Me time once the boys go back into school.

However, over the past couple of months, I have begun to hate Mondays all over again.

Why?!

Partly because my little boy is really struggling. Sunday night he has the same tummy ache I had when I was a child, the impending doom of Monday morning and the week ahead. A week he knows his Dad won’t be here for as he continues to serve his sentence. Monday mornings we usually have tears at the school gates. He tells me that he just wants to be at home with me as he already misses his Dad so much. I feel awful for making him go into school knowing he’s going through an adverse childhood experience.

Mondays I am off. Yes I have things I could be doing like cleaning the house, doing the washing. The truth is, I only have so much energy and motivation.

Monday for me right now feels like a full week ahead of juggling kids, work, cleaning, shopping etc etc all on my own as I’ve been forced into being a single parent.

I can’t wait for this to be over..come 9th December when my husband is relaased, Mondays will hopefully be full of possibilities again.

How do I not feel resentful?!

It’s our youngest Son’s 11th birthday tomorrow. Today as well as working, I’ve had to go get helium balloons and birthday cake. All amidst a busy working day, then home to sort tea.

I come home and my mother in law tells me my husband has called. He was in art class this afternoon. Then he’s off to the gym.

Really?!

Whilst I am working, sorting birthdays and being single mum?!

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair on the boys.

It’s not fair on me.

We have had to endure 2 of my youngest sons birthdays, 2 of my birthdays, my eldest sons 16th birthday, Christmas and our 20th wedding anniversary, all without him.

I am not a single parent. I didn’t marry some half wit who doesn’t care about his children, I am not a widow. Yet his offending has resulted in this.

I love him. I’ve never stopped for one second. Yet at times the resentment I feel for the position his Offending has placed us in, is impossible not to feel resentful at times.

To say that the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing when it comes to HMPPS is an understatement.

My husband went to prison in August 2021. When he met with his Offender Manager a few months after, she immediately saw him as suitable for Cat D open prison once he was eligible after 6 months inside.

So our conversations began. The one deemed suitable was over 100 miles away. A 5 hour round trip for visits.

Admittedly I wasn’t overly keen at first. Googling the route, I quickly realised it was an hour off the motorway and deep in the countryside in the middle of nowhere. The journey did not look feasible to maintain visits.

It was sold to him as being ideal for maintaining family ties as he would be able to have home leave of up to 4 over nights a month.

“I want to make life easier for you and the boys” he told me. Once temporary licence was approved, he told me that he would be able to visit us, at first meet part way to make things easier for us all. The boys would no longer have to endure the traumatic childhood experience of visiting a prison.

So based on the guidance he read cover to cover, of the Release on Temporary Licence process taking around 12 weeks, we agreed we would visit possibly once a month for that duration.

It took at least 6 months for the process to be approved and then the agonising wait for him to be moved there. May 2022 he eventually moved to Cat D.

It took a while for him to meet with his Offender Manager in there and another month or so for the referral to be done to outside Probation to complete their part of the report.

It took several weeks for a meeting to be arranged with both outside and inside probation. They made the process sound fairly simple.

From then it’s been inconstancy and confusion galore.

Probation contacted me to approve our address for ROTL. A home visit was arranged which was then cancelled, it took another 2 weeks for another visit to be arranged. By this time they had already done a U turn on ROTL being at our home address and so we had to discuss with his parents it being at theirs. Then a visit was arranged for their house another couple of weeks away.

At our home visit I was told an agency to agency referral to social care had been done and they were unlikely to get in contact with me. They were wrong. A couple of weeks later I got a call saying a referral had been made and an assessment has to be done. Another couple of weeks waiting for an assigned social worker and then the initial visit to begin the assessment.

To be fair to our very reasonable social worker, she told me that the next day she would contact his Probation Officer and advise that she was happy for him to spend time with us at our family home on ROTLs and over nights at his parents house.

Next I was asked to come in for a ‘disclosure’ meeting to ensure I knew all of the offences. I did.

At this meeting I was advised that police were waiting for Social cares full report to approve his mum and dad’s address. At the meeting I raised concerns that it was not the social workers role to approve an address, that she was merely there to assess things in terms of our own children.

Fast forward another month and a change of outside Probation. A meeting was arranged between my Husband, inside and outside probation and the social worker.

At this meeting, the social worker firmly told probation she is not there to approve addresses. This time the new offender manager, appearing more proactive, emailed police to advise, who eventually signed off the report and it was returned to my husband’s inside offender manager. Over 3 months after the 3 way meeting.

Last week he met with his Offender Manager at the drop in and she advised she would find out when the next ROTL board was due to sit.

Today he went to his drop in again. This time she asked him if he does want to bother going to the ROTL board at all. Telling him it’s unlikely now due to the length of the process that he will get home leave at all, seeing as his release is now less than 7 week away.

So, he has moved over 100 miles away from his wife, kids and elderly parents. We have travelled every 2 weeks to visit him. Due to the rising petrol costs and food at the visit, each one has cost £70-£80. Not to mention the gruelling 5 hour plus drive.

Now we know for sure that he will not have home leave.

Don’t get me wrong, the benefits to his mental health have been huge. He has been able to rebuild his dignity and self esteem. Open prison means that they are allowed so much more freedom. There are several opportunities for education and training, social interaction, sports and activities.

However, the point of him moving to Cat D was to increase family ties. So if your partner is considering Cat D, then please be aware, that ROTL and home leave are not a given. Infact, there are apparently others inside there who will never be eligible for ROTL. My friend’s husband has been in Cat D for over 9 months and still no home leave.

Had we had all of the information beforehand, he may still have moved, however it feels like he was led there under false pretence.

Lack of communication or incompetent staff? Whatever the reason(s), it’s been an unnecessary added stress for us all.

Apologies in advance for the negativity of this blog.

Right now I don’t feel hopeful. I don’t feel strong. I feel broken.

The pain and destruction caused by my husband’s offending has absolutely broken my heart.

Tonight I just feel like I am wallowing in self pity.

What did I do to deserve this life?!

I am 42 years old. My Husband is in prison, my parents have passed away and my relationship with my siblings, niece’s and nephews has completely broken down.

How did this even happen?!

I am a good person. I have put a lot of good into this world by helping others, both in my professional and personal life.

I live with my 2 sons and our pets, my inlaws live close by and we see them regularly but that is where my family ends. That is where my boys family ends.

Tonight I feel so heart broken.

When my husband called, I barely wanted to speak to him.

I know he never meant to hurt me or the boys. He was in the darkest of places when he was offending. However, intentionally or not, he has.

I love him and the boys more than anything in this whole world. I have chose him over my extended family. Yet he is not here.

I feel like I’ve spent too much of my life grieving. Grieving for my parents, grieving for my marriage when I thought it was over, grieving for my husband in prison and grieving for my family.

I don’t think there is any coming back from this. They can’t accept what my husband has done and my decision to remain in my marriage.

It all just feel unbelievably unfair on me and the boys. Why did we have to lose so much?!

The vast majority of society writes off anyone convicted of a Sexual Offence.

Once they have ‘Crossed the line’ that should never be crossed, that’s it. That’s all they are.

This makes me incredibly sad.

I am in touch with a whole community of Non offending partners just like me. Their Husbands I feel like I know now too.

The pain and destruction caused by these offences, is incomprehensible.

Yet these men are not the monsters society want to believe.

Several of us have been asked ‘why’ we remain in our relationships. Because we know that our partners are more than just their offence.

My Husband I have spoken about throughout my blogs. He was 39 when he started online offending. I have been with this man since he was 21. We have grown up and had 2 children together. He was at uni’ when we met, he went on to have a reputable career as a civil servant, he has been a brilliant husband. He has been a brilliant Dad to our boys. He would always do whatever he could to help others. I’ve talked a lot about how much of a rock he was for me throughout my Mum’s long illness and losing her and Dad. His parents will happily tell you he’s been the best son and up until his arrest in 2020, he has never brought an ounce of trouble to their door.

My friends Husbands, they are good guys too. They are Husbands, Father’s, they had reputable careers. They were valuable members of society.

Sadly the media reporting destroys their previous reputation.

Last night I talked to one of my friends about her husband being heavily involved in their local community. Helping set up an amazing project to help people with mental health issues. She is still involved with the charity. Nobody asks how he is. They are never nominated for any community awards. Nobody wants to acknowledge that he set this up. Yet his legacy lives on.

“You can’t rewrite history” I said to her.

I can imagine my family who I have no contact with, sitting around talking about my husband, trying to see things from the past that aren’t there. Trying to undo the person that he was. Nobody said a bad word about my husband up until he was arrested. There was not a bad word to say.

People want to rewrite history and justify to themselves, their decisions to turn their backs.

As I said last night, “You can’t rewrite history.” Our husbands are still all of the things they were. Their offending was their behaviour. Their offending was abhorrent behaviour and needs to be punished. However, It’s not all they are and doesn’t detract from the good they’ve put into this world.

Once people have served their punishment and commit to their rehabilitative work, they deserve a chance. They deserve to be integrated back into society.

My blog last weekend was highlighting how social care come into our lives following our husbands offence, like a wrecking ball. They treat us like we are the one who committed the crime. They trigger and re traumatise us during the most horrendous time of our lives.

Credit where it’s due, our third and hopefully, final social worker has actually been great.

She came to visit us a couple of weeks ago weeks ago, following a re-referral from Probation to assess for Release on Temporary Licence.

My anxiety leading up to the visit was very high. Partly because of the experiences of my fellow Non Offending Partners but also due to our last experience of social care, just days before sentencing in August 2021. The words of the last social worker; ‘What if he can NEVER come home?!’ Have haunted me ever since. That social worker seemed hell bent on keeping our family apart, despite the work I had done around safeguarding and the rehabilitative work my husband had done. When she saw my safety plan, which I had written following the courses I had done, she was almost offended, “Who told you to do this?!” She asked almost accusatory. She was very dismissive of the work I had done and didn’t even want to know about my Husband. Her comments were judgemental and disrespectful. I’ve ruminated over that ‘Interrogation’ ever since.

The whole demeanour of this latest social worker was much different.

She didn’t quiz me upside down, she knew we had already had an assessment post arrest (from another reasonable social worker). She actually wanted to know what work I had done. She wanted to know what our support networks are. She wanted to know what my husband was doing. She asked the children their wishes.

I mentioned my safety plan and she was eager to see it so I emailed it that same day. I hadn’t printed it off this time as I didn’t want to hand it over for it to be dismissed. Having done an in-depth Safeguarding course and adding even more to it since last time, I didn’t want to run the risk of that again.

Since then she has gone away and spoken to the school, to Children heard and seen and to Circles who we have been supported by. She has fed back to Probation that the safety plan is very in-depth and covers a lot. I clearly have a good knowledge and understanding of risk management.

The plan was agreed during the visit that I would continue to supervise contact at home and in the community and then when my husband has finished the course Probation insisted on, we would refer back to social care to look to get him back home.

Yesterday she called me to tell me what the plan would be. She told me that she had thought about the closure of the case and us referring back in. I was hoping she would say that she would keep the case open as I had been anxious around getting another judgemental social worker next time.

However, what she did say was more positive than I could have hoped for. She said that she had thought about it and didn’t see the point in us referring back in. She said that with the work I have done I will clearly always look out for any signs of relapse in my husband. She said that after the work he has done and will be doing on his I Horizon course, that once he has served his time and rehabilitation, there is no reason why he can’t come back home. She said, ‘Who are we to tell you that you can’t be a family again?!’ she advised in terms of supervision in the future, I am their mum and it’s down to me to decide what’s best for them.

I can’t even tell you what this means to hear a Social worker say these words.

Since my Husbands’ arrest in May 2020, having my parenting questioned by Social care has been almost the worst part of this. My children are happy, healthy, loved beyond words. We have done all we can to give them a stable and happy childhood. Despite our world being turned upside down by my Husbands offending, they are still happy boys. The biggest trauma for them has been the seperation from their Dad.

When he was sentenced and we had just had that visit from social care, I honestly did not know whether we would ever be able to live together as a family again until the boys were both 18.

I know we still have a way to go with him having to do his course first but at least now, after almost 2.5 years of uncertainty, we now have assurance that we can live together as a family again. Social care won’t be poking around in our lives again. The scrutiny will be from police and probation for my husband to work on his rehabilitation, as he needs to. The onus is finally off me, their Mum who has done nothing wrong.

I wish all Social workers were like this one. I am under no illusions that I have done any more work or have any more understanding of safeguarding than any other NOP I know.

Due to there being no statutory framework in how to support families like us, when one parent has committed a sexual offence but the children have not been harmed, what we experience is completely inconsistent.

I hope all of these agencies and academics, working to understand and rehabilitate those who have committed sexual offences, start to educate those who have power over families like ours. We are a unique set of families, who would never have made it on their radar had it not been for these offences. Social care need to understand how to support us and most of all they need to understand rehabilitation and risk management and the human rights of families to reunite.

Several of us are once again going through social cares scrutiny in order to get our families back together.

I am writing this blog to acknowledge our strengths. This is a mere sample of women I know…there are many others of us out there. Non offending partners who are treated like secondary perpetrators by Social care.

Those months / years of our partners being in prison, when we have single handedly raised our children whilst working, providing a roof over our heads and supporting our partners, they have been nowhere to be seen.

Our children are going through Adverse Childhood Experiences of parental imprisonment and yet statutory agencies have done / are doing absolutely nothing to support us.

A mere whiff of our partner returning home and they come back, like a wrecking ball.

There is no praise, no pat on the back of a job well done, amidst this trauma, no recognition that our children are thriving.

Instead they come in and turn our life upside down, once again.

The assumption that we are anything but protective parents is absolutely infuriating. Utterly offensive.

I would like to describe each of our situations to give some sort of perspective of how amazing we are all doing.

First of all a quick overview of me. 2 boys aged 10 and 16. I work part time, as a Tenancy support officer, preventing vulnerable people being evicted. The only support I have is my inlaws as my own family have walked away. Despite this, my boys are thriving. They are doing really well in school. My eldest passed all of his GCSEs and has now started college. We visit my husband every 2 weeks, driving a 5 hour round trip.

Next I will talk about my friend I will call Sharon, her son is 13 and has a diagnosis of ASD. He attends a school for children with additional needs. She also has her own serious health issues. Again she has very little family support. In fact she is the one who supports her in-laws. She also does voluntary work. She is an amazingly dedicated mum. She and her son go on many trips away and days out and he is very happy and healthy. She also says supports and visits her husband regularly.

Next there is who I will call Anita. She has 2 children aged 8 and 14. When her husbands case hit the media, she moved, away from her own family, with her children several miles away to ensure their safety. Her children have now settled into new schools and new friendship groups. She again is a brilliant Mum. She also cares for her father in-law who lives an hour away. Also supporting her husband and driving a 5 hour round trip each fortnight to visit. Social care are involved again now looking at release on temporary licence and once again scrutinising her parenting and agencies not communicating.

Next I will talk about who I will call Kelly. She has had the most horrendous time with Social care. Her son’s aged 7 and 11, both have ASD and other health issues. She herself has ASD and other health issues. Her family like mine have all walked away from her. Despite this she has moved with her children for fear of media and backlash. It’s taken her 5 years of scrutiny and battles but she has finally got her husband home and her family back together. She is running a website to help women like us. She has just started part time work as a support worker and also voluntary work.

Last but not least I will call Natalie. Her and her husband worked together and following his well publicised arrest, she has continued to work, full time, for the same company, facing judgment head on. Again she has had to move for fear of media backlash. Her child is 3. Having sadly lost her own mum when her child was a baby, her only support is from her in-laws. She is the most dedicated mum. Her child wants for nothing. Her husband lived at home up until sentencing. They adhered to a safety plan and there were no concerns. Social care have just came back with a vengeance. They are carrying out a Child In Need assessment. This entails meeting with Natalie over scheduled calls to carry out a thorough assessment into her. She is having to reawaken old memories as every aspect of her life is scrutinised.

I would like to add that every one of our husbands cases hit the media. We have lost family and friend relationships.

I would like like to also add that we have all participated in online Safeguarding courses and also a Circles Non Offending partner Protective parenting course. 6 weeks of gruelling child protection.

I understand, as we all do, that our husbands have committed sexual offences. I understand that Social care have to endure that our children are safe. I also have to add that none of our children were victims to their Fathers offending. Every one of our partners are serving their time. Every one of them are doing their rehabilitation inside and outside of prison.

I have met all of these children. They are, like mine, thriving. Why? Because they have the most dedicated amazing mums. The mums who have adopted both roles of Mum and Dad during this horrendous time of our lives which would break the strongest of people.

Social care please come in and scrutinise our husbands. They have committed an offence. They need to prove they are not a risk to their children. They need to prove their commitment to rehabilitative change.

Please STOP focussing on us. We have done nothing wrong. Infact, we have done everything right, for our children.

Meet our children, focus on them. Speak to schools and nurseries. Our children are happy. We are the mums who bake cakes for McMillan day, attend every parents evening, plan ahead for World Book day.

STOP looking for things that aren’t there.

This has been an extremely re-traumatising and exhausting week.

On Wednesday social care came out to see us and today I had to go and see Probation and the police for ‘Disclosure’.

“You don’t need to take responsibility for his offending” or words to that affect is what the Police liaison guy said to me.

Hmmm, really?! Is that why I have been dragged here almost 2.5 years post arrest to have to listen to the soarded details of the charges?!

My husband has been adamant I know everything having saw the charge sheet and he also told me some of the evidence. However, once that anxiety button is pressed, once I got the call last Friday to go for ‘Disclosure’ a week down the line, my mind started working over time. Would I be told something I don’t know? Will it be too much? Will I walk away after all this time?

In the eyes of the law, we are NOT recognised as victims of crime.

The CPS Code defines a ‘victim’ as:

a person who has suffered harm, including physical, mental or emotional harm or economic loss which was directly caused by a criminal offence.

Every Non offending partner and their children who I know, have suffered harm, mental distress, economic loss etc etc etc.

We are treated as collateral damage of our partners / parents offending.

If we remain in our relationship, then we are treated as secondary perpetrators.

I say to the other women we need to have t shirts made or maybe even get a tattoo on our forehead which clearly states ‘I DO NOT CONDONE THE OFFENCE’ To avoid any confusion.

Yesterday I was pleased there were no further bomb shells. However I felt sickened by having to listen to my husbands abhorrent online offending, almost 2.5 years down the line.

I have invested time, money and energy into healing from this very real trauma. I have had multiple consequences of his offending. Yet despite this I have raised my boys single handedly, worked and kept a roof over our heads.

‘He is lucky to have you’ the police liaison guy said. To which the probation officer agreed.

I am no martyr. I am not staying with him to prove a point.

They don’t know him. They don’t know me. They see his offending and make their minds up from there.

So yet again I was forced to justify my decision. I heard myself say;

‘We had been together for 20 years prior to his arrest.’

‘He has been a brilliant Husband and Father to our boys.’

‘He was my rock throughout my Mum’s long illness and losing both of my parents.’

I could feel his eyes burning into me as I spoke. He kept reiterating how ‘difficult’ things will be when he is released. Little does he know I’ve spent over 2 years processing all of this and doing my homework.

I am under no illusion that life will go back to how it was pre knock. How could it?! The knock was a bomb dropped on our life. Since then I have been scrambling around trying to rebuild our life. Nothing is the same.

The destruction caused by my Husbands offending has been devastating. I won’t go on about it here as I have 60 plus blogs that explain that.

These ‘professionals’ have absolutely no idea how much we have been through. The trauma we have faced since the knock.

The majority of us have spent so much money, time and energy trying to process and heal. Yet they continue to rub salt in our wounds. It’s inhumane.

It’s the price we pay for loving our husbands?!

I hope one day that all these academics and agencies trying to get us recognised as recognised as secondary victims, are successful. Then maybe, just maybe we will be valued and supported to process this trauma and allowed to heal.

My chest feels tight, my stomach is in knots, I feel sick, achy and exhausted.

Anxiety is taking over my body. The medication I am prescribed is helping take the edge off but nothing more.

My husband is being assessed for Release on Temporary Licence. He also has just 81 days left until release.

After over 13 months of his sentence, we should be on a happy count down. Sadly that’s not the case.

My husband committed online sexual offences. Abhorrent behaviour of course. He deserves to be punished, however he ended up there.

He is serving his time for his crime. He is remorseful. He is committed to his rehabilitation.

There are many, many organisations our there who are very passionate on rehabilitating those with Sexual offences. Yet society and agency response to a sexual offence is a line drawn in the sand. That’s all that person now is and all they ever will be.

My husband is a good man. A good man who has done a bad thing.

This week my anxiety is horrendous as I have 2 meetings coming up which are knocking me sideways.

On Wednesday social care are coming to meet me and the boys.

On Friday I have to go and meet with police and probation for ‘Disclosure’ of his offending.

I read the charges and know some of the detail of his offending. I was hopeful I had put my head far enough into this to enable me to understand risk and signs of relapse.

By standing by my husband, I significantly reduce his risk of re-offending through isolation and depression. Family support is paramount.

My children and I have been through so, so much. We’ve had almost 2.5 years of not living with my husband/ their dads and I was hoping that given the work we’ve both done would be enough to get him back home with us, where he belongs.

This journey has been long and bumpy to say the least.

I feel like I am being pulled and pushed, away from my husband and our family are being kept apart.

I am exhausted.

I just want us to be a family again.

My anxiety is though the roof right now.

I am anxiously awaiting a call from social care to start the ball rolling for the next assessment prior to my husbands release in December.

Since his arrest he’s done so much work to rehabilitate and understand how he ended up where he did. I have done so much work to understand the offence and the inns and outs of Safeguarding.

Yet my anxiety is having these conversations in my head with a social worker I am yet to meet.

These conversations are catastrophic. Seeing my husband as nothing more than the ‘P’ word. Seeing me as manipulated and coerced into getting him back home.

The reality couldn’t be any more different. They don’t know me. They don’t know him. Yet I know they will come in and judge us based solely on his offending.

There are several organisations out there who are working to rehabilitate both online and contact offenders. Yet society and ‘professionals’ will never see them as anything but high risk.

We Non offending partners educate ourselves through the various studies and courses that are out there and often working with Forensic psychologists to understand the inns and outs of offending behaviour. Yet Social workers stance is complete one narrative…that they are a high risk of contact offending and they will twist and turn turn anything we say to fit their narrative.

I am exhausted. I’ve been a single parent for over 2 years now. I’ve done all of this work to understand his offence but I am now going to have to endure the final battle. A battle to reunite out family.

I don’t know what to expect as there is no consistency. A random social worker will be given free reign to judge my parenting and our family in whatever way they see fit. Using their personal opinions and biasses to justify their actions.

I understand my husband has committed a sexual offence and therefore risk has to be assessed and managed but it has to be in context. The risk he may have posed when he was offended cannot and should not remain the same. The work he’s done since should be taken into consideration too.

As my therapist says: offending is a behaviour and behaviour can be changed.

I prey that we get a reasonable social worker who has an ounce of respect and tries to understand fully.