Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

“This is marathon, not a sprint” is something I’ve heard myself say, many times to the other NOPs on the WhatsApp groups.

Once you make the decision to remain in your relationship, or even to allow contact with your ex, there are many hurdles to get over.

The day my husband was sentenced, to serve 16 months inside, I had absolute no idea how I was going to get through the next 16 months as a single parent, raising 2 boys, working and running a home.

Yet somehow, I have already gotten through almost 13 months. My husband has just over 3 months left to go. Although I don’t know when he will be able to come home home, I know I will no longer be sailing this ship alone.

Right now I feel absolutely exhausted. My physical and mental energy is at an all time low. This week I’ve had such a bad headache and felt unbelievably tired. Everything has felt like such an effort.

It’s the last day of the summer holidays.

I’ve spread my annual leave out so most weeks I’ve only done 2 days work. However, those 2 days have been very full on due to short staffing.

I’ve juggled work, with looking after the boys, the house, the pets.

We’ve had a few short breaks away and I’ve done lots and lots of driving. Not to mention the 5 hour round trip for visits. Also lots of days outs.

I’m doing my best. As are all the other NOPs with partners in prison and juggling kids and other responsibilities..

We keep going because we have to. For our kids, for our partners and for ourselves.

I’ve just been chatting to one of the other women. She, like me, is completely exhausted. She has less to go than I do.

I’ve never ran a marathon, but I can imagine that this is how it feels….that those first few miles are the hardest, then you warm up and get through the bulk of it…keeping going one mile at a time, because you have to. Then, when you can see that finish line, your motivation and energy starts to feel depleted and you have to physically drag your exhausted self to that finish line?!

Well this is our finish line.

We can do it!!!

Well today has felt like a very prevalent day for various reasons.

First of all; it’s now 99 days until my Husbands release….

99 red balloons, 99 problems?! Any other songs spring to mind?!

I have changed my countdown app to days now we are down to 2 digits. I have planned this for some time.

Second of all; Probation went to visit my inlaws. This was to assess for Release on Temporary Licence at their address. This is the apparently the final part of the assessment for her report for him to have home leave prior to release.

It seemed to go fairly well and she’s agreed to get her report done by next week.

Third of all; I disclosed to my new work friend about my husbands offence.

I have only known her for less than 3 months. We are kindred spirits, both with lots of work and personal experience of mental health, and have therefore forged a trusting relationship pretty quickly. She is a real empath like me.

She has been very open with me and I felt dishonest not being open with her. I told her from the off that I had stuff going on in my personal life. Then a few weeks ago I told her my husband is in prison.

I loved that she didn’t prod at that stage. She didn’t judge or ask me ‘what has he done?’ she wasn’t looking for idle gossip she was just being supportive. It was really refreshing being able to mention it / him without having to watch what I was saying.

Today as we sat and had lunch together, I told her that Probation were visiting my in-laws today about home leave.

She asked me if I felt ready to tell her what’s happened. There was no pressure.

I have never felt judged by her in any way. I was pretty confident that I wouldn’t be even if I told her and I was actually bursting to. Yet the judgment, abandonment and stigma I have faced by standing by my partner has made me feel extremely vulnerable.

I had been bursting to tell her. I really felt that she would approach it similar to how I would had it been a reversal. But at if she was disgusted by my decision to remain in my marriage? What if she treated me different. How could we continue to work together?

To be honest, I don’t think I can cope with any more rejection. To be rejected by those who are supposed to love you, supposed to care is heart breaking. It leaves us feeling extra protective, as we wear our coat of armour, only letting those in that we know in our hearts won’t reject us.

So I took a leap of faith and trusted my instincts. I disclosed what’s happened in the last 2 years or so.

It was an emotional conversion.

She didn’t judge me. She didn’t prod me. She listened. Really listened. Listened to understand.

She also disclosed to me that a close personal friend is under investigation for a similar offence.

She made me feel listened to, safe and respected. I am confident that her opinion of me hasn’t changed. She hasn’t now saw me in a new light. She doesn’t think I now condone child abuse. She knows I am still a moral person.

There was no hidden agenda. No personal gain. Yet I hope she knows the difference she has made to my life today 💖

It’s been another tough few days or so.

Husbands inside offender manager in Cat C and now Cat D both told him that they don’t see any reason why overnight Release On Temporary Licenses cannot take place at our family home.

I was sceptical at first as I know how tough it can be to get them home after these offences.

However, I allowed myself to imagine us being together as a family again. Sleeping with my Husband for the first time in over 2 years. A reality so simple for the first 20 years of our life together.

Community Offender Manager visited last week. Her initial online meeting with my Husband and phonecall with me, she advised that no second address is being considered.

Then when she visited she asked for a second address. Both her and her colleague advised me that it’s far more likely to be approved by the ROTL board.

I had to break this news to my Husband who was very upset. He had allowed himself to imagine being at home with us again, where he belongs.

“I just want a second chance” he cried to me on the phone. It will be 2.5 years since the offences were committed, upon his release.

He had the conversation with his Offender Manager on the phone and she could tell he was very upset, as she tried to justify her actions. She told him that we may have lots of awkward and difficult conversations initially.

What she didn’t acknowledge is that we have already had hours, upon hours of endless conversations prior to his sentencing and since, over the phone and by letter.

She initially told me she is a great believer in rehabilitation. Yet she is not prepared to support us to be able to spend those overnights together.

I know we have to be realistic. I thought we had both done enough work since the arrest to justify his committment to his rehabilitation and my capacity to understand risk and protect.

Will we ever be able to live together as a family?! Will these professionals ever support us to do so?!

Today marks my 1000th Twitter follower. It feels like a good day to write my 60th Blog Post.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I started my blogs on the advice of my Therapist.

After working with me for a few months, I think it became apparent that I have lots to say.

As a Non offending partner who is staying, I certainly do have a lot to say.

Sadly within my personal life, I had very few who were willing to listen. Instead they chose to believe the media black and white thinking when it comes to these offences. They chose to write my husband off, hence not supporting me or our children throughout this incredibly traumatic and painful journey.

So I started my blog.

I write with honesty. I don’t have an agenda or narrative as such, aside from to convey just how much of a rollercoaster it is to stand by your partner. Just how much we families are punished too, by society, by those closest to us and by the agency response to our Husbands crimes. They serve their sentence, behind bars and we serve ours too…out here in the real world.

I didn’t start my blog to win any popularity contests. I am not a vain nor shallow person. So I am actually humbled at the volume of those who want to hear what I have to say. Especially those going through similar journeys or the academics working in this field. Those who have the power to make a difference to families like mine.

Although I stated above I have no narrative, I hope in hindsight that my blogs do convey the truth and dispell the myths.

I am sure every person who takes time to read my blogs, all or maybe just 1 or 2, takes something different from them.

However, I hope throughout my blogs the message is conveyed that whilst yes, those of us who stay, we may ‘choose’ to remain or reunite in our relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t go through many of the same emotions as those who walk away.

After the knock that blew our world apart, I read a lot about trauma and how our brain responds.

Having previously lost both my parents, I know all too well how grief feels. So when it was suggested that we go through the stages of grief when we go through trauma, I completely related.

Therapists describe this as a process, a journey. The stages we go through. Whilst it is, it’s much more complex than that. We don’t go through one stage and move on. We go back and forth.

There are 2 stages that I keep returning to whilst processing this trauma.

Shock that my husband is capable of this.

Shock that my husband is in prison.

Shock that this is my life.

Within my blogs I’ve talked so much about Anger which is a very uncomfortable emotion for me. I grew up with a very angry Dad. Anger scares me. When I feel angry I don’t feel in control. I can’t rationalise. I catastrophise and the pain overwhelms me.

I feel Angry at my husband for his actions that have destroyed our world.

I feel Angry at my ‘family’ for not trying to understand.

I feel Angry at the media for printing my husbands case, along with many others like it.

I feel Angry at the big tech companies allowing this content to exist within their domains and no accountability.

I feel Angry at the police for arresting the low hanging fruit, meanwhile those who are behind creating this content are so clever and hidden online that they are rarely caught.

DENIAL – I have came to loathe this word. Along with Minimising.

This is the biggest myth. I am regularly in touch with many NOPs. Those who are staying and those who aren’t.

I can assure you, not one of us are in Denial.

How can we be?

We are living with the reality every single day, of our husbands arrest and sentencing.

The word Denial is heavily loaded in judgement.

‘If she is standing by him, after what he’s done then, she must be in denial.’

Actually no. That’s not the case.

Every single NOP I know is utterly disgusted at their partners / ex partners behaviour.

My therapist says I need to forgive myself for still loving him. That I am allowed to still love the person even though I hate the behaviour. I guess my blogs may be partly me justifying why I am standing by him.

I am going to end this by saying thank you for reading. Thank you for giving me a voice and helping me to find my dignity again 🙏💖

Sometimes I wonder if my anger and resentment will ever fully leave me.

Today has felt like a tough day. First day of the week and one of my days off.

The day started with having to get my eldest up, for the second week of his NCS course, his friend was knocking and he was still in bed.

Then I had to sort out Pest control for a rat infestation in the garden. The free council service is almost a 3 week wait so I had to call around until I found a reasonable priced one who could come today. Then a rush to get my youngest up and dressed to get to the cash machine as the guy arrived early.

Lunch time I packed up a picnic and a bag for the dogs. Then my youngest, the dogs and I drove to a nice big park.

We parked up and started walking the long path to the park area. My son told me that he felt really sick and just wanted to go home. So back we went.

My little man fell asleep all afternoon on the couch.

Ok I will do some housework I thought. My motivation didn’t agree. I ended up watching Netflix and to be honest I think I just wollowed and my anxiety soared. I ended up feeling very agitated and rubbish.

It was a wet and miserable day. It was also fairly muggy. I felt so drained and tired to be honest.

This evening my husband called. I told him about pest control and evidence of the rats under the decking he put down last year. He asked me if I was sure it was rats and not our pet guinea  pigs as they’ve been known to escape under there.

Admittedly I bit his head off. I told him that he SHOULD BE HERE sorting these things out. Not to be dismissive of the things I have to deal with.

I love him dearly. He’s been an amazing Husband and Dad. Yet at times I could absolutely scream at him for the position he has put me in!

I am a single parenting, dealing with absolutely everything on my own.

There is very little empathy for me or others like me. We ‘choose this life?!’ is the general consensus within society. Choice? I never had a choice.

My decision to remain in my marriage is / should be secondary to my current situation. Right now he’s been removed from our life. Had we have seperated or divorced without the offending and the imprisonment then we would be sharing parenting responsibilities.

If I had have thought about this many years back before ‘the knock’ then I would have only expected to end up in the situation I’m in right now, had he died.

I guess I had an idyllic view of what my family would look like when I was a child and my favourite game was ‘house,’ roll playing being a ‘grown up’ with children, a decent husband. Nothing out the ordinary, just a stable and happy family.

I had that. Or so I though. Or was our family broken from so much stress and grief?!

I feel so cheated out of the life I chose, the family we made together. That makes me incredibly angry.

Sometimes I feel like a pressure cooker. My anger erupts and then simmers away building up and up again before it erupts and takes a while to calm down again.

I wonder will my anger and resentment calm down once he’s out and once he’s back home?! When I am no longer sailing this ship alone.

It’s just over 4 months now until my husband is due out. He’s almost 3/4 through his sentence.

I’ve counted down and wished my life away so much since he was sentenced in August last year.

Now the end is in sight, I don’t feel excited as I should be.

My anxiety is high and my mood is low.

When my husband is released it will be over 2.5 years since we will have lived together as a family.

I know in these last 2 years or so, I have found strength and resilience I didn’t know I had. I have become stronger and more self sufficient.

I am also mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

I’ve had enough.

I need some assurance that this has all been worthwhile.

I’ve lost so much through standing by him. Me and the kids, we deserve to know that our family will be able to reunite.

Our life and our family is in the hands of the professionals now.

Since his arrest we have both done absolutely everything we can to understand it, him to rehabilitate, me to understand the offence and the inns and outs of safeguarding.

Is it enough?

As a ‘Professional’ myself, working alongside these agencies, advocating for others, it sickens me that I am so powerless now, within my own life and my own family.

Will social care ever see the work we’ve both done as enough to allow us to live together as a family again?!

Do I have the fight in me to make it happen?! I am not the offender here. Yet I know I will be scrutinised more so than he is as I justify my reasons for wanting to reunite as a family.

There will be little to no regard of me maintaining our family whilst he’s been in prison whilst trying to keep my mental health in check and supporting him too.

Right now I just want to sleep the next few months away until he is able to be with us again.

My husband is in now in Cat D. He has less than 5 months to go to release and is currently being assessed for Release on Temporary License.

I know that inevitably we will have the intrusion of social care one again, any time now.

I feel sick from head to toe at the thought. I feel waves of panic through my body, a tightness in my chest and my stomach churns.

At the weekend, my eldest son turned 16, hence I have been a Mum for 16 years now.

My son is thriving. He has sat all of his GCSEs over the past couple of months. He has a strong network of friends and he plays football and goes out with his friends regularly. Next week he is going away on a Residential week with NCS.

My youngest has finished for the summer now. He is also thriving. His end of year 5 report was glowing.

I am a good Mum.

I am raising my kids single handedly whilst my Husband is in prison.

Due to his online offending, I know that we are once again going to face that wrath of their judgement.

I have done all the Safeguarding and protective parenting courses I possibly could since he was arrested. The latest being a very difficult and triggering course.

My husband has also done so much work already since the arrest.

I have a very robust safety plan.

My husband is an online offender. He never hurt our children. He never would. Yet I know that some Social Worker is going to come into our lives on their moral high horse judging my parenting.

As I write this I realise this doesn’t just make me anxious. This makes me extremely Angry!!! How dare they.

I should be praised for holding it all together whilst going through the biggest of traumas.

We have every right to be a family together again.

It’s the uncertainty that’s the hardest too. Each individual social worker is subjective. They have their own stance and their own opinions.

This is an update to my “Look after your men” blog from earlier this week.

This week has been eventful.

I have been on a Mental Health first aid course, which has enabled me to reflect upon my own mental health and that of my husbands. The hidden mental health I had no idea about.

Being a support worker for 18/19 years, I thought I was a mental health guru to be honest! How did I not see what was under my own nose?!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Looking back I can now see how withdrawn he had become. How distracted he was and how passive he had become.

These things happen so gradually, it’s almost impossible to notice.

Addiction doesn’t cure mental health, it masks it. It also exasperates it. The cycle of addiction is incredibly selfish and self destructive at the same time.

When the knock happened in May 2020, there was nowhere left for him to hide.

I’ve talked in previous blogs about the relief I saw on his face. The relief he admitted he felt, that it was ‘over’.

His deepest darkest secret and his deepest darkest mental health was now out in the open.

My husband was my rock. Clearly I wasn’t his. I thought he knew if he needed me that I was there too. Isn’t that how marriages are supposed to work? Healthy marriages?

I thought we had the healthiest of relationships.

It saddens me to realise that our relationship was not equal.

He was my source of emotional support. I was not his.

I was the support for my clients, my sister’s, my parents, my niece’s, my nephew and my friends.

They would offload on me. I would on him. Where would he take that? Nowhere. He internalised it. He allowed it to pile up into his stress bucket and it came out sideways in the most horrendous of addictions.

The knock has changed our relationship beyond belief.

Despite the pain and aftermath of the knock, in many ways it’s changed for the better.

I have become a stronger and more emotionally resilient person. He has become more open and self aware. He has also learnt to talk to me. His wife. He told me that out of all the talking and the therapy he’s had since the arrest, what’s helped most of all, is talking to me.

Yesterday he had a meeting with his new offender manager. He told her the work we have both done since the arrest. She told him that we are clearly ‘Working as a team.’

“Look what happens when you stop shutting your wife out.” I told him.

So despite him being over 100 miles away from me right now, I feel more connected to him than I have in years.

If you’re reading this and you are a male, shutting out your partner, your family or friends, then please, stop. Get some support. It will help you beyond belief and make your relationships stronger.

Last week I done 2 x half days of a Mental Health First Aid course. There’s also been home study to do and we have another 2 x half days next week.

“Look after your men” the tutor said last week.

75% of ‘completed suicides’ are by males. The highest risk category is now 45-49 years.

Why?

Because men are still NOT talking about how they feel. They are NOT seeking help and support.

These middle ages are high stress times due to work pressures, children growing up and new challenges, financial pressures. This is also the age we start to lose our parents.

Depression and anxiety diagnosis for women is much higher than men. Drug and alcohol use for men is much higher than women?

Because men are much more likely to ‘escape’ their emotions rather than talk about them.

“Look after your men” struck a cord with me. It made me feel so sad.

I now know that my husband was depressed, stressed and struggling. Sadly he didn’t speak to me. He didn’t reach out and I didn’t know I had to ‘keep an eye’ on him. I thought he was the rock, getting me through my darkest of days.

Society expects men to be strong. Hunter gatherers looking after their family and holding everything together.

It’s socially acceptable for women to cry, women to offload to their friends and family.

Sadly most boys are taught from a young age that ‘big boys don’t cry.’

So my husband struggled in silence. Sadly he didn’t turn to a ‘socially acceptable’ addiction of alcohol, gambling or even substances.

Instead, he turned to porn. Something that most men watch and can take or leave.

When my husband was at his lowest point and no coping…he used this as a coping mechanism, an escape, which led him down a very dark and destructive path to illegal images. It became a compulsion, an addiction. He lost control. He was stuck in a cycle of self loathing and offending.

Now he will forever be branded a ‘Sex Offender.’ Or worse still a ‘Paedophile.’ When in reality, he was a porn addict.

For me, yes his behaviour will always be unacceptable and yes, I agree he has to be punished for his online offending. He is being. He is serving his time at HMP.

I wish as a Society we could try to understand the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ behaviour occurs, as opposed to using our moral compass to ‘write off’ those whose behaviour is unacceptable.

If your sister, daughter, auntie, cousin, friend or colleague told you that their Husband was seriously ill, or had died, what would you say?

What would you do if something so earth shattering happened in theirs and their children’s lives and they didn’t see it coming. They had no idea.

Would you offer them your love and support?

Would you take around a lasagne to save them cooking?

Would you offer to babysit their children whilst they slept?

Would you hug them tight and tell them that you are there for them?

Would you tell them that ‘they will get through this?’

Or would you walk away from them?

Worse still, would you blame them?

Would you abandon them and their children for something they didn’t know. Something they didn’t cause?

When your Husband / Partner is arrested for a Sexual Offence, it’s as much of a shock as if you had been told that they had cancer or had died through a sudden and tragic accident.

The pain and destruction caused by our partners offence is indescribable. Life as we knew it ended the day of the knock.

If they receive a custodial, it’s a whole new level of trauma as we attempt to navigate our way though, single parenting our children and holding down a job. Attempting to keep a roof over our head on one wage with little to no childcare support.

Today I have had TOO MANY conversations with my lovely fellow prisoners wives. Judgement and abandonment by their nearest and dearest, those who were supposed to care, supposed to love them.

Not only have many of our family and friends NOT supported us, they’ve actually made things worse. Walked away from us and our children during the biggest trauma of our lives.

The judgement and hideous comments we’ve endured through no fault of our own has been equal the the shock and trauma of the discovery of the offence itself.

What has happened to humanity?!

Our husbands offences are NOT justification for how we have been treated.