Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

Saturday is the Grand National. My Dad loved horse racing and I’ve always had a bet. Now I do more so for my Dad.

Driving back from my school run this morning I starting thinking about the race.

I facilitate a WhatsApp group of 7 Non Offending Partners. Most of us, our partners are still in prison.

We each hope to reunite our families one day. Yet each one of us is like a horse in the national, galloping along jumping over each hurdle. Hoping that we are getting closer to the finish line but not quite knowing as we cannot see it.

Almost every day one of us will have a wobble and the rest of us will say, ‘you will get there. Never give up on your end goal.’

This week we have all been given the hope we so desperately craved.

One of our very own Non Offending Partners / Warrior women, is there.

After over four and a half years of battling social care, her family are finally being reunited.

Her partner has done a great deal of work in understanding his addiction / offending. She has done copious amounts of work to understand herself. Social care have put them through rigorous assessments and courses, which have finally proved what she knew all along, that her husband is NOT a risk to their children and can come home.

Yesterday was a very happy day for us all. It gave us hope. It reinforced our belief that we too, one day will get there too.

Now we can all see the finish line. We know it’s possible.

Yesterday I saw one of my Twitter followers had posted this.

I had to share.

This resonated with me so much.

I’ve never considered myself to be a martyr. Infact that is a personality trait I find fairly irritating in others. However I sometimes wonder if the traits that irritate us in others are traits we possess and don’t like too?!

As the youngest of 5 girls, my Dad told me on more than one occasion that it was a ‘good job I was cute’ or he would have ‘left me there, at the hospital.’ My Dad was never one for tact or considering other people’s emotions.

So, I realised only recently through therapy, that what I subconsciously did, was carve a role out for myself in the family.

I became, the fixer, the organiser, the mediator, the rescuer, the dependable one.

I would always be there to offer emotional and practical support when needed. From rushing to the hospital when one of my niece’s took an overdose, to organising my sister’s hen do, to lending money.

I was even a birth partner for my sister when she gave birth, I was 16.

When my Mum had her stroke in 2008, this reached a whole new level.

I was working and my eldest was just a toddler then. I spent most evenings and weekends visiting mum (which involved a fair bit of travelling), picking up Dad or my sister(s) and dropping them back off never asking for petrol money. Then visiting Dad and supporting him and my sisters and nieces through it.

During this time I worked in various support worker jobs with lots of mental health and complex needs.

We also had our second child, now I was juggling 2 kids, work, mum being unwell and being the family ‘go to’.

Then when my Dad become unwell and passed away fairly quickly, this broke me. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I got the support I needed through therapy and medication and started to get myself better, rebuild myself. At that time my support came from my Husband, like it always had. Not my family.

I still continued to ‘give’ myself.

It was only when my world fell apart that I stopped. That I HAD to look after me. I was empty. I had nothing to give to anyone except my kids.

So my subconscious need to help, support and please others came slap bang into my consciousness.

I do not believe at that time I was trying to be a martyr. I genuinely believed that is what families do. That if I ever needed their support, they would be there for me too.

Now I realise that supporting selfish people, especially narcissist people, is like putting coins into a piggy bank without a bottom. You go to take something out when you need it and realise there is nothing there. There’s no return on your investment as that was never part of the deal.

It saddens me to say that the above list describes me to a tee. I wish I would have realised it at the time.

I’m pleased to say that I have now found a group of friends / family whereby support is equal. Mutual support and respect. Boundaries, openness and honesty.

I don’t just blame my family for their selfishness. I have to take some responsibility too.

People can only walk all over you, if you let them.

I will NEVER again abandon myself. I have not become a selfish person it’s not in my nature. Now I treat myself with the same respect and kindness I treat others with 💖

I cruelly lost my Mum in 2018 after her long and agonising battle with Dementia.

Yesterday was bittersweet for me; missing my own mum, missing my husband in prison yet being with my own sons.

I decided I would make yesterday about me. I had a lovely day out to the seaside with the boys.

They bought me lovely gifts, including the latest book by an Author I am getting into.

We went bowling and I won! My eldest, Mr competitive didn’t even rage when I did. Maybe he ‘let me’ win as a mother’s Day treat?!

The we had ice creams walking along the pier, fun in the arcades and a go on the pirate ship, my favourite. Then home for a takeaway.

A lovely day all in all despite the obvious losses. I decided that mother’s Day is about being with your children and I was. I felt tremendous gratitude.

Today I bought some nice purple tulips and took them to Mums grave.

When I got there I discovered that nobody has been near since I last went in January when I placed flowers for their anniversaries.

This really cut me up. I found myself weeping at the grave and apologising for the selfishness of my sisters.

Apparently one of them has a plant to put on, according to my Brother in law, the only one I’m in touch with. Admittedly yes, she does usually make the effort.

As for the other 3, Nans themselves now, all in their 50s, they are a disgrace.

I am the ostracised one.

I do not profess to be a saint or a martyr. Yet it comes so naturally to me to WANT to do these things.

I am the one who has been shunned from the family for standing by my husband.

Right now. I’m not sure I’ve actually lost anything?!

Over the weekend I have merged together 2 WhatsApp groups of non-offending partners. Specifically those with a partner in prison or separated from the family.

The majority of us remain in a relationship with our partners.

Due to the judgment and abandonment by the majority of our families and friends, we have become a social excluded group.

I have worked with people with severe mental health issues for many years and I have saw the impact of loneliness, isolation, stigma and so social exclusion. I have now experienced this first hand.

It creates and exasperates mental health. It fucking hurts like hell!

Those of us who stay with our partners, are judged the most. I believe we should be admired the most.

The women I have the pleasure of knowing and befeiending are absolute AMAZING!!!

We are the ones holding down jobs, training, single parenting, running homes and keeping on going all whilst our partners are serving their time at her majesty’s pleasure.

This is the eye of the storm….the custodial. This is when we need the most tenderness, love and support. This is also when people have hurt us the most, walked away when we needed them the most.

So we have become a socially excluded community.

These women I feel an authentically genuine deep friendship with like I’ve never felt before.

On Saturday we had a difficult prison visit and in the evening I unwound with a couple of fellow NOPs, drinking and chatting over zoom. Feeling like I had known these women for years. The intensity of our friendships deep and sincere which takes years to build in other parts of life.

For many years I feel like I’ve tried to keep my turbulent family together and failed miserably. They are very different types of people to me.

Now I feel like I’ve found my kindred spirits.These women are my lifeline right now. They help me so much.

Seeing people support eachother is so rewarding for me.

We have become a community, if not a family 💖

My Therapist told me off when I told her that I was learning to be more selfish. She told me that it’s not ‘selfish’ it’s ‘self-care.’

How right she is.

Since going through this horrific trauma, I have completely changed my perspective.

Having devoted the last 18 or so years to supporting vulnerable people, then the last 15 to being a mum, always wanting to be the supportive friend / sister / auntie, I don’t think I was great at looking after me.

I wanted to support others, help them to feel better and I suppose in hindsight that gave me the validation I needed.

However, when something so traumatic happens in your life, it forces you to stop. It forces you to re-evaluate your priorities.

I got a sick note, anti-depressants and sleeping tablets off my GP.

This was still not enough to alleviate my overwhelming anxiety and depression in the aftermath of my Husbands arrest.

I had to do more. I had to find a way to get myself through those horrific days and find a way of functioning, for my children and for myself.

Being part of a big family, I have always felt that I needed to be around people all the time.

Self care is not really about socialising, it’s about building your own resilience and maintaining your well-being.

So, I would like to share my self care tips of what has and what is helping me to deal with the most traumatic time of my life, healing my central nervous system:

Hot bubble baths

Scented candles

Healing stones

Incense

Oil burners

Oil for your pillow / temples

Salt lamps / soft lights

Reading a novel

Reading a self help book

Positive quotes / affirmations

Face masks – especially sheet masks

Gentle stretches / yoga

Guided meditations / relaxing music / nature sounds / 8D music / manifestations / gentle rain fall / – Free on You Tube and amazing for sleepless nights.

Journal writing

Colouring in / writing / drawing

Knitting

Going out for breakfast / lunch

A Gentle walk

Browsing the shops

• Complimentary therapies ( look on Groupon / local colleges for cheap deals)
• Indian head massage
• Hot stone massage
• Reflexology
• Reiki

Emotional Support

• Connecting with others in similar situations – forums / support / WhatsApp groups / Twitter
• Counselling / CBT
• Support from GP and medication if needed.

Exercise and healthy eating are things I am struggling with as I am an emotional eater. Something I intend on doing more of in the future.

I am now going to share a self care wheel sent to me by my Therapist:

So, my list is not definitive and neither is the self care wheel. However, it’s about looking after tour mental health and wellbeing and preventing ourselves from reaching breaking point.

It’s also about NOT feeling selfish for taking time for ourselves.

It’s now 7 months since my husband went to prison.

The children and I have support from my in-laws and my Brother in law, that’s it.

All the other support we have comes from other non offending partners / friends I am in touch with and Children Heard and Seen.

I wonder if I had walked away if things would be different?

I think of those women in Domestic Abuse relationships. They say it takes an average of 6 walk outs before they make that final break and stop going back. Is it only then that they are entitled to support? To empathy from those who love and care about them? Once they ‘wake up?’

That’s my perception and that’s also my perception of being a non offending partner who stays.

I don’t fit others narrative of a ‘victim’ because I am ‘choosing’ this position I am in.

The pain and trauma of the aftermath of my husbands arrest and imprisonment is immense.

Yes he is responsible for his abhorrent online offending behaviour BUT he does not continue to abuse me the way a perpetrator of domestic abuse does.

There is no coercive control, no financial, physical, emotional or sexual abuse towards me or the children. There never was. Yet the aftermath of his offences has turned our whole life upside down.

I am just getting over Covid. I have felt rubbish the past couple of weeks. Yet who cares? Not many I can tell you.

I try not to wollow in self pity but sometimes it’s hard not to.

The children and I have suffered. The children and I are suffering every day, without my husband / their Father by our side in our life.

Things could have been different. My family could have supported us. Many families do. They could have helped to ease some of the pressure of the past 7 months, if not the past 21 since his arrest. Yet they haven’t as they see it as I have ‘chosen’ this path, to stand by a man who has devastated our life.

I wonder what the future will hold. The abandonment by my family has been equal in pain and trauma to what’s happened with my husband. A double whammy if you like.

One day he will be free, one day he will be home with the kids and I were he belongs.

My husband never intended to cause us this level of pain. It breaks his heart the impact it’s hard on the children and I. Yet my family are intentionally hurting us. Intentionally punishing us for a crime none of us committed.

Just has a purple visit. Not saw my husbands face in 2.5 weeks.

I missed our face to face visit on Saturday as I have had Covid.

Today when his face come on the screen, I cried.

This man I married when I was 21, now after over 22 years ago, I see him just twice a month for an hour at a time.

This time it will be a month between face to face visits. A month since I’ve had a hug off the man I love.

Today I realised it’s been almost 2 years since we lived together. Almost 2 years since the day of the arrest.

We are waiting to see if he is being accepted for Cat D open prison. This will mean a move over 3 hours away from us which will make visits more difficult. However, this could also mean he could come out and visit us. It would he absolutely amazing for us to be able to spend time together as a family outside the confines of those walls.

To be able to hug my husband without a guard looking over my shoulder and to be able to sit next to him or walk alongside him and hold his hand, would be amazing.

A group chat on one of the WhatsApp groups has prompted me to write this blog. We talked of how we feel judged, shamed. How we isolate ourselves for fear of being ostracised. Reject before we’re rejected.

I am a non-offending partner.

On a daily basis I speak to many, many other woman going through the same trauma as me.

Whether our Partner has been sentenced or is awaiting sentencing. Whether they received a custodial, a suspended, a community order, media or no media, whether we are remaining in our relationship or not, we have one thing in common; we are all incredibly STRONG women.

Many of us have been judged and abandoned by our family, friends, shamed for an offence we never committed.

Not one woman I know had any idea of their partners offending. The day of the arrest / the knock or the vigilante sting was the most traumatic event of our life.

The rug was pulled from underneath our lives. Life as we knew it, ended they day.

Did any of us give up? No we didn’t. For our children, for our partners, for ourselves.

My therapist says that my family shouldn’t judge me for my decision to stay with my partner, they should be in awe of me at how amazing I am doing in getting through this.

I told her it’s not just me, there are a lot of us about. I am in awe of every other Warrior Woman I know. Some of whom I have the pleasure of calling friends. A few actually feel more like sisters to me now.

The majority of us are single parenting, working, studying, surviving this storm with very little support.

From our children, our relationship, our family, our friends, our jobs and sometimes our homes, our community and not forgetting our mental health, there is not a part of our life that hasn’t been affected by the backlash, shame and the stigma of our Partners crime.

For those of us with children, social care barge their way into our lives, judging us, scrutinising our parenting. Treating us like niaeve, meek, mild women who don’t know how to protect our own children form harm.

The reality is, we are brilliant mother’s. We would never have made it onto social cares radar had it not been for our Husbands offence.

We do NOT minimise by supporting them. We do NOT minimise by understanding and educating ourselves on the gateway into our husbands offences.

So I completely agree with my Therapist; every one of our family and friends should be in awe and so proud of us for surviving this and keeping going.

This blog I want to dedicate to each and every one of us.

We are Warrior Women with the kindest and most compassionate hearts. We keep on going and never give up.

We are amazing!!! We are Warrior Women and we are a force to be reckoned with.

These are real statements either myself or several other non-offending partners I know have heard from friends / family or ‘Professionals:’

1.    SHE MUST HAVE KNOWN 

Do you know everything your partner is doing online? IF we had the slightest inkling do you think we would have turned a blind eye? 

No. Never.


2.    YOU LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH YOU’RE PREPARED TO BELIEVE ANYTHING HE TELLS YOU

The shock, betrayal and disgust completely overwhelms us. It takes a long time, and a lot of research, questioning our partners upside down and taking part in the Lucy Faithful Inform course before we even begin to try to understand why and how they turned to such abhorrent behaviour. 

Neither myself, nor any other NOP I know is a meek, mild woman who has been coerced by their partner. 



3.    WHAT HE HAS DONE IS UNFORGIVEABLE

‘Unforgiveable’ is a subjective word. It’s not up to other people to say what they ‘would’ and ‘would not’ forgive. Every non-offending partner I know including myself say over and over; what they did with NEVER, EVER be ok with us. It doesn’t mean we don’t still love them and are able to move past it. 



4.    WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH YOUR PARTNER?

An assumption should NOT be made that we are not, unless told otherwise. You do not know us, our relationships. I’ve been with my partner for over 22 years, 18 before his offending. Others I know double that time. 



5.    HAS HE ALWAYS BEEN SELFISH?

Yes, some men are selfish, some women are selfish. Addiction is selfish. Yet nobody rationally chooses to hurt the ones they love the most. The majority of our partners were depressed and addicted to porn. 



6.    YOU CAN NEVER HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN

Really? He has never actually touched or harmed anyone. 

Would you say that to someone who’s partner has had an affair? 

Why do people suddenly think it’s ok to comment on other peoples sex lives?


7.    HAS HE ALWAYS BEEN KINKY OR HAD A HIGH SEX DRIVE?

Addiction is not about the DRUG of choice. It’s about the escape, chasing the elusive high, upping the anti. Porn addiction is their drug. It could have been anything else. 


8.    NON OFFENDING PARTNERS MINIMISE THE OFFENCE

This is probably the most infuriating of all for me. 

We are FULLY aware of what our husbands have done – ONLINE

We are also of the opinion that ‘Professionals’ ‘MAXIMISE’ the offence.


9.    I SUPPORT NON-OFFENDING PARTNERS WHO STAY, EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT SOMETHING I WOULD PERSONALLY CHOOSE TO DO

You cannot judge until you have walked in someone elses shoes. 

10.  HE MUST BE THE ‘P’ WORD

This IS the most controversial of statements. 

Society loves to judge, label, put people into boxes and shut the door. It stops them from having to think, having to understand or even acknowledge it’s happening. 

Well for Non-offending partners, we have HAD to put our head into this and understand why and how our partners ended up viewing Indecent Images online.

The unregulated porn and social media industry online has created a new type of Sex Offender. 

There are around 850 men arrested for these crimes every month in the UK. That figure has doubled in the past 5 years. 

The vast majority of us learn that our partners were viewing legal porn for a considerable amount of time before escalating to riskier and riskier images. 

Society want to believe that these images were viewed on the ‘dark web’ sadly this is NOT the case, they are accessible within the porn and social media world.

My husband was 39 when he started viewing these images. Some much older. This was during a breakdown of his mental health. 

The cognitive dissonance of what they were looking at online and the corelation of their sexuality in real life is more often that not, 2 different things.

This blog post is a Thank you to children heard and seen.

My children and I have been mostly abandoned by my side of the family (sisters, niece’s, nephew) since my Husband / their Father committed an online sexual offence and I decided to keep our family together.

The pain this has caused me is indescribable to be honest.

Others tell me that one day they may come back to me. For me I feel this will be too little too late. They’ve walked away during an extremely vulnerable time in mine and my children’s lives.

Valentine’s Day approaching has been triggering, missing my husband so much. There’s a huge gap in our lives where he should be.

However, I feel like this has been turned around, thanks to Children Heard and Seen.

Yesterday, we had a valentine’s parcel delivered. This contained treats for the children and I; books, pampering toiletries, headphones, a snuggle blanket etc etc.

Then this evening my youngest and I have been to an event to learn how to make Bath bombs and bring one home.

I want Children Heard and Seen staff to know and understand what this means.

When those who are supposed to love us have walked away, it’s left us extremely vulnerable. These gestures have made me feel so warm inside, so comforted and feel so special. There is no judgement. The shame of my husbands offence is irrelevant here. We are treated with the compassion and warmth we need and we deserve.

The Friday group for Non offending partners / ex partners is a safe space to be able to vent, cry, seek support, advice and guidance. The parent and the staff member who run this, create the perfect safe space for us all.

It means the world.

I work in the Support sector myself so I know that not one of them do their job for the money. They do it because they want to make a difference in families lives during the biggest trauma. They achieve that and more.

I want to Thank all of you for being a ray of light in our lives right now.