Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

Sounds very dramatic to say that but that’s how I feel with my husband in prison.

He called me this morning. I lay on our bed as we talked. The bed he hadn’t slept in with me for over 20 months. The bed I go to sleep in on my own and wake up alone. I longed for him to be lying there with me.

I am not single. I am very much married but my husband is miles away from me, locked up for 22/23 hours a day.

Today he told me that they had ‘changed the regime’ with no forewarning. So the excitement of 2 x socials out of a weekend…1 hour of s morning and 1 hour of an afternoon, has suddenly changed to 1 x 1.5 hour slot from 9.30-11am.

I get it. He’s committed a crime and he’s in prison. This is what our criminal justice system is for.

I also know that my husband was incredibly depressed and addicted during his time of offending. Many men are walking around with community sentences and suspended sentences for equal crimes. Yet my husband is locked in a cell for the best majority of the day.

What purpose does this serve? He is deemed a low risk of re-offending online by his offender manager.

I walked around Tesco today and there are flowers, cards and valentines gifts everywhere. I know its s consumerism day and we don’t need a day to show eachother how much we love eachother. However, since our first in 2000, we have always used the opportunity to buy cards and sentimental gifts for eachother, usually having a nice meal together at home with a bottle of something sparkly.

He sent me a card, which I have asked my youngest to hide and I will open on Monday. I sent him one too, which had to be Moonpig as I am not allowed to send one directly to him or it will be photocopied or just put in his property.

I am trying to live each day. My therapist tells me that I should still live my life and not put it on hold whilst he’s in there.

I am trying to. I still work. The kids and I still do things we used to like having takeaways and going out and doing stuff like bowling this afternoon.

Sometimes as all I feel like doing though is curling up into a ball, crying myself to sleep and waking up on the day he is out.

I miss my Husband so much. I miss his kisses, his cuddles, I miss our sex life. I miss having a few drinks together or a meal out. I miss watching TV together and sharing a bottle of prosecco.

My heart is broken and I know I am greiving for him every day.

So yes, half of my heart is locked in that cell with him 💔

I woke up early hours and heard talking downstairs. My eldest was still up on the PlayStation chatting to his mates.

I made him go to bed.

I was left with an overwhelming anxiety. My chest felt tight and I felt sick. My head whirling.

Those of you who have read my other blogs will know that my husband is in prison for an online Indecent Images offence.

It didn’t start there. I know it started with regular porn. Him using it as an escape. Staying up later and later each night, more and more often.

When we were first together, I was young and insecure, I feel like I was a little possessive. I liked to know what he was upto all the time. I’d grown up a lot and was secure in our relationship / marriage after over 20 years and 2 kids.

I used to do shifts in my job. This often meant I was first up and first to bed. He has always been a night owl anyway but it got to the stage whereby even of a weekend we barely ever went to bed together.

I am a fairly light sleeper since having kids, so I would often wake in the night to him not in bed next to me or him just coming up the stairs or getting in bed. Sometimes I wouldn’t look at the time, if I did it would be ridiculous hours of 2 or 3pm, when he had to be up for work the next day. Two days before the knock, I woke up at 4.50am on a Monday morning, to him just coming to bed.

I would tell myself when I woke at those ungodly hours, that I wasn’t his mum. He was a good dad and husband, he worked hard and he deserved some down time. He didn’t go out with friends or have any hobbies outside of the house and me and the kids. So if staying up late was what helped him unwind then that was his choice.

If I ever asked him why he stayed up so late the night before, he would tell me he had ‘fell asleep watching tele.’

After the arrest, I learnt of his porn compulsion that led to the complete desensitisation and escalation to illegal images. The biggest shock of my life, to say the least.

I felt so foolish.

All those times I told myself it was me being paranoid and suspicious. Now I know what he was doing I feel so humiliated.

I’ve learnt so much about addiction since this all began. The secrecy, the shame, the cycle of self loathing. I know that it was never really about porn, it was about escape. It was about releasing endorphins and chasing that elusive ‘high.’

Yet as a wife and a partner of many years. I am still left feeling so hurt and betrayed by my husbands behaviour. Him hiding something so huge.

So last night, early hours when I woke abruptly to my son still up, it brought back those feelings of anxiety I used to have in the middle of the night when my husband was still up, yet this time I know what he was doing. It triggered me so much I felt like I was there, in the future when he comes home.

My husband hasn’t lived with us since he was arrested in May 2020.

Upon his release in December this year it will be over 2 1/2 years.

I want more than anything for him to come home and live with us again as a family.

Yet I cannot go through the pain I have been through, ever again.

He has done so much work since the arrest, to understand the complete breakdown of his mental health which led him down that very dark path. He understands and processes his emotions more than I’ve ever known him to.

I love him dearly and believe him when he tells me he will do everything he can to get home to us and to rebuild my trust.

I do believe him. I know he never intended to break my heart and tear our world apart like he did.

However, I feel that it will be a long while before I can relax and fully trust him again.

What’s the saying…fool me once and shame on me, fool me twice and shame on you.

If this ever happened again I know I would turn into a ‘mad woman.’

Yet I still want our family together again.

Being a Non offending partner who stays, takes strength and resilience you wouldn’t believe.

I asked my brother in law a simple question.

Has my niece and her partner had their baby? I knew it was due any time now.

Today, I had a feeling.

He told me, yes. Earlier today their daughter was born.Then he sent me a picture of her.

She is so beautiful. Perfect.

Then came the tears.

A child I will never know. I am being punished, yet again, for my husband’s offence.

my niece is 29. We have always been so close. When she was born, I was 11. She was like my little doll.

As many others were born, I’ve always had a real soft spot for her.

She’s told me on more than one occasion that I am her favourite Auntie.

She is my eldests supportive adult when he had his naming day when he was a baby. She even got his name tattooed on her hand.

Now she’s going to be a mum. I won’t get to see that.

It’s not a fair.I don’t deserve this.

This morning it struck me that I haven’t wrote a blog for a while. I started these blogs to help me to feel heard, to help me to process and heal. To give me a voice when those I wanted to listen stopped listening.

This has been an incredibly empowering decision for me. My therapist is amazing. She completely understands my decision to stand by my Husband. I always walk away from our sessions feeling brave, feeling strong and hopeful. She gives me lots of praise and encouragement of how well I am doing. The single most helpful thing she has said to me is ‘Why don’t you write a blog?’

It’s when I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions that I write to make sense of them. Right now I don’t feel like that to be honest. I am under no illusion that I am ‘healed’ now or that I am through this storm as this whole journey is a rollercoaster.

The title of this blog ‘new normal’ is a term we’ve all heard banded about over the last couple of years, since Covid hit. I know it makes some people cringe. However it makes sense for me.

From the day of my husbands arrest in 2020, I hoped for and prayed for life to go back to the way it was. For it to be some sort of nightmare I would one day wake from.

After over a year and a half, I now know that is never going to happen.

My husband has been in Prison for almost 6 months now. I think I have accepted that I won’t wake up from this.

A few weeks ago when I was physically unwell and my hormones were also raging; I felt I was at breaking point / rock bottom. Since then I’ve been rebuilding myself both mentally and physically. That saying of when we reach rock bottom the only way it back up feels very relevant for me.

As my previous blogs talk so much about, I have lost so so many people since standing by my husband. I have been judged and labelled and written off. This shaming led me to feel overwhelming guilt and shame.

I now feel that I have processed this and I know I have not done anything wrong.

I told my therapist that I won’t be the same person who walks out of this storm who walked into it.

This is the biggest trauma of my life. There’s no 2 ways about it. However, I have built strength and resilience I didn’t know was possible. I have developed an even greater sense of empathy and compassion towards others than I’ve ever had.

I’ve dedicated the last 18/19 years to supporting those with multiple and complex needs. Predominantly mental health and addiction. Always being very respectful and empathic towards my clients.

Then going home to my very stable and level headed Husband.

Learning and understanding that my husband could completely fall apart like he did, I feel has helped me to understand people on a whole new level.

Throughout this journey I have become part of a community. A community of other non offending partners such as myself. I have learnt to understand them. I have also learnt to understand their Partners as I have my own.

I have concluded that, there’s no ‘us’ and ‘them.’ Mental health doesn’t discriminate across age, gender, social or economic status. We as human beings are very complex. Good people can do back things.

I think it’s when we think we have it all figured out that life pulls the rug from underneath us. Screams at us to WAKE UP! Shoves our complacency up our arse.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there’s no profile of being a non offending partner or prisoners wife. I’ve met the most incredible women through this journey. So I’ve learnt that it’s not beyond me either.

I am slowly accepting that this is my ‘new normal’ and there’s something extraordinarily empowering in accepting that. It stops us from dwelling on what used to be. Things can happen in life, good and had that will change life as we know it forever.

We can’t keep on looking back. We can only move forward.

It’s Friday evening. I’m sitting here watching TV with my 10 year old. My eldest has just came back form a 5 a side match.

I feel some degree of happiness and contentment. Dare I say?!

Tomorrow we have a visit with Hubby. We haven’t saw him since 8th January due to visits being reduced to 2 a month again. I cannot wait to hug him.

To say being a Non-offending partner and having a husband in Prison is an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement.

Last week was one of the worst of my life. Every day felt like climbing Mount everest just to get through the day. I was a bundle of emotions, hormones, physical and mental exhaustion. Despite this I had to carry on, taking the kids to school, cooking, cleaning, shopping and working. Because as a temporary single parent, it’s all down to me right now.

This week I’ve still not got my energy fully back as we’ve all had some sort of cold. However I feel mentally a world apart to where I was last week.

I often feel when my emotions overwhelm me and they calm, it’s like a thunder storm crashing through the sky and afterwards there’s a sense of calm. The air is cleared. I’ve no doubt I will level off next week.

For now I feel fairly positive. This week I feel has been a positive week.

I am off Mondays and Tuesdays. I started Monday with an Indian head massage.

Then I bought my lovely new shiny bike which was a bargain and came with a very emotional story of a guy selling as his wife didn’t use it and has recently passed away. This story hit me hard to be honest. When I asked why she didn’t want it and he told me because she passed away… It hit me like a train… That could be us. I could have lost my husband. As difficult as this time in our life is, it will pass. There is light and there is life at the end of that dark tunnel.

My husband seems to be in a better place this week too. His cell mate was released and he finally got moved to a single cell. He is able to sleep without someone snoring and is able to talk more freely when he calls. This seems to have boasted his mental health. This affects my mood too as I do worry about him.

I’ve had a few really busy but productive days in work too. I’m a Tenancy Support worker. I support vulnerable people and families to prevent eviction. I have supported a vulnerable young girl with her pending eviction through multi agency working, applications and appeals. We were informed yesterday her arrears are going to be paid off and she will not be made homeless. She gave me such amazing written feedback it almost made me cry.

Since my husband went to prison, I have thought about whether I should go and get an Admin job or something else simple and unrelated.

Although I am going through so much myself right now, I cannot describe how rewarding it is to help others get what they are entitled to. To be able to make a difference in other people’s lives is both a pleasure and a privilege.

So it’s fair to say I feel a great deal of appreciation for what I have this week. My glass is half full. Last week it didn’t feel half empty it felt completely drained.

I have worked with people with mental health issues for many many years. I often hear myself tell clients to make the most of their good days and on their bad days to just look after themselves and not put pressure on themselves. I think I’m starting to take my own advice. Last week I done anything and everything I could to self care. The result is that my batteries have recharged a little and I am able to face the world again.

I started this week by writing a blog about feeling shame and guilt for a crime I never comitted.

This week has been one of the toughest by far. Nothing in particular has happened or changed, it’s just how I’ve been feeling.

Physically and mentally I have felt completely depleted.

It’s been time of the month and so hormones have been raging making me feel completely drained of energy and depressed, feeling helpless and hopeless.

I have also had symptoms of cold / covid; a fuzzy head, aches and pains, sore throat and extreme fatigue. Just to be clear I’ve done several lateral flow tests and a pcr and I’m clear.

Every day has felt like such an effort. An effort to merely get up in the mornings and get my Son to school. As a temporary single parent I don’t have a choice. If I don’t get up and take him then he doesn’t go in. Even that simplistic task this week has felt too much of a responsibility. Working form home the last 3 days has been a real challenge keeping myself motivated.

I feel like I have wollowed in self pity a lot this week. The whole why me catastrophising of the situation we are in. I here being in that mental place as it makes me feel completely powerless.

The things I have done to try to help myself are:

A bubble bath of an evening, earlier nights, keeping off Twitter, meditations and breathing exercises using my incense, healing stones, candles and salt lamp to create a serene environment, writing down my thoughts and feelings, speaking to my lovely warrior women friends, an ad hoc counselling therapy session, earlier nights, reading my book and crying. Yes crying to heal myself.

I also bought tons of fruit and veg and have been making curries, smoothies and eating fresh fruit and veg each day to get some goodness into me. I also take multi vitamins every day.

My therapist is amazing she totally understands what I am going through. She told me that I have every right to feel how I do as I am going through so much.

As well as messages, voice notes and phone calls from my amazing Warrior women friends, I also recieved an amazing gift in the post from one of them. We swapped addresses for Christmas cards. I recieved an unexpected parcel in the post from Amazon. It was a lovely set of healing essential oil roll ons. There is one specifically for sleep .

The note with it said:

This little gift is to remind you… Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Sending hugs and strength xxx

Since I have used this I have slept better. That meant such a lot that she was thinking of me 🙏💖

I opened this parcel whilst on the phone to my husband. I told him that the women I’ve met through this journey are far nicer than my own friends and family are.

I also recieved another gift in the post from another Warrior woman friend: a book wrote by a prisoner called ‘A bit of a stretch.’ we had discussed me reading it and sending my husband the same book direct to him. Using the idea off another lady off Twitter of us reading the same book and discussing. Like our own mini book club. She included a lovely card and wrote a little poem for every letter of my name which is a tough task at 7 letters long. Also the little message inside read:

Love will.. be patient and kind, love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.

At the end it read, ‘Thank you for being you’

It means more than she will ever know. To be valued and accepted for being me.

I am on the highest dose of my anti-depressants and have been having honey and lemsips to ease my symptoms. So I am confident I’ve done all I can to help myself. I have only ‘Just about’ got through the week.

The judgement and attitude from my family and friends of ‘I’ve made my bed so I must lie in it’ is the most harsh and unjust  attitude they could have possibly adopted.

I speak to non-offending partners every day. Whether we are coping with our partners in prison, awaiting charges or trying to rebuild our families, coming out the other side of this, in or not in a relationship with them, we all have one thing in common, we are going through the toughest journey of or lives.

Yesterday I attended the Children Heard and Seen parents support group for non-offending partners. I broke down in tears talking of the shame and judgement I am feeling. I was supported by the other parents and also the member of children heard and seen staff. They said to me that I should not feel shame as I am doing so well in getting through my husbands sentence and supporting my children and him too. I should feel the opposite of shame, I should feel PRIDE.

This made me cry happy tears. Hearing that word made me feel that word.

So this week I feel that my sadness and shame has positively turned into pride and gratitude. Pride of coping with all of this and gratitude to have amazing women in my life who understand what I am going through and despite their own challenges, support me every day.

If you know anybody who is a non offending partner going through this. I beg you go show them your love and support. Their life has been turned upside down and they are suffering I can guarantee. They are ectremely vulnerable right now and need your love and support 💖.

There’s a poem I love called Children learn what they live.

‘If a child lives with shame, they learn to feel guilt.’

I am struggling with overwhelming feelings of guilt, because I am being shamed through no fault of my own.

I’ve been reading up how to heal from shame. It’s about being remorseful and forgiving yourself. Should I have to forgive myself for merely loving my Husband?

Last night I had a dream about my family. Nothing specific as such just a family party I have snipits of recollection about.

Then I’ve just been in a local shop and saw someone who used to be a friend I went to play groups with when my youngest was little. I didn’t say hello first. I never do anymore. If I can avoid someone then I do. If not I wait to see if they say hello first. I wait to see if they deem me worthy of a hello.

That makes me so incredibly sad. I am a good person. I’ve dedicated my life to supporting and helping vulnerable people. I have done everything I can to help and support family and friends in my life.

I don’t know why I am justifying who I am. I know who I am. I know who I am not. I am not a bad person. I couldn’t turn my back on anyone I love if they were struggling. I couldn’t turn my back on my husband when I know during his offending he was rock bottom. His mental health had hit rock bottom.

I try to get through each day. I speak to many other non offending partners I am in touch with and we all support eachother. Yet I am so broken. My family and some friends have stepped away from me because they clearly cannot accept my decision to stand by my husband.

When I met my husband he was at University. I grew up on a council estate and at that point nobody in my family had gone to Uni. He went on to have a successful reputable career.

I have always been proud to be his wife. I have always been happy for any of my friends or work colleagues to meet him. I am the more sociable one but others would always comment what a ‘nice guy’ he seems.

Now I’m being made to feel ashamed for loving him. I can’t accept that.

I DESPISE what he’s done. I always will. Yet I still love him so so much. The work he’s done since his arrest and how well he is getting through his sentence make me feel proud to be his wife.

Yet I am so torn as others are trying to make me feel shame and guilt. Guilt for a crime I never committed.

Just home from a family wrestling show with the boys and the inlaws.

It was so much fun. The boys seemed to love it. As much as my 15 year old was Mr Cool and didn’t show it. My youngest got right into the swing of things point his big foam finger and booing at the baddies.

We’ve been to a fair few wrestling matches over the years. Our eldest used to be competely obsessed and have us queue up at the end to get autographs and his photograph taken with them.

The inlaws seemed to enjoy and I know they just love seeing the boys have fun.

Me, well I enjoyed it, especially seeing the boys have fun. Although I couldn’t stop myself from scouring the room and looking at other families, many Father’s with their son’s.

Mine didn’t have theirs. I can’t help feeling that my boys are missing out.

They don’t deserve this. They are the most amazing boys. They deserve to have a full family. Tomorrow we will see him for an hour. Then all being well with Covid, again in another couple of weeks for an hour.

That’s 2 hours with their Father in a month.

My heart breaks for them it really does.

My eldest is doing his GCSEs right now and his life should be simple. My youngest has the biggest heart and I know he misses his Dad so much.

Parental imprisonment is unbelievably hard on the child(ren). They are innocent and they shouldn’t have to deal with something so mammoth.

I hope the early stages of their life and the love and stability we had as a family up until then, helps them to get through this horrid seperation from their Father. It’s a temporary bereavement. I hope they know he still loves them so much.

He is, despite the impact of his offending, a brilliant Dad and the boys both idolise him. However, when we were on the way home, we chatted and they told me they are ‘used to’ doing things without him.

Their resilience astounds me.

I hope when he is released he will slot back into our family life where he should be and the boys will know what it’s like to have a Father part of their every day lives again.

It wasn’t me is a hash tag that is used on Twitter to identify the innocent children who’s parents are in prison. This is very apt.

This applies to non-offending partners like me too.

For those who follow my blogs, thank you for listening. I know I may sound like a broken record right now but getting my thoughts and feelings out there to be heard is very empowering for me.

Yesterday my Brother in law and niece visited and we exchanged Christmas presents. My Brother in law is the only family member on my side that I am in touch with. He is the only one who understands and accepts my decision to stand by my Husband. I am extremely grateful for his support.

He didn’t intentionally tell me anything about the rest of the family but in conversation I asked a couple of questions.

One of my nieces had a baby in November and they met her around Christmas time. Her eldest sister and partner are due to have a baby at the end of this month.

I have a very large family. Many new great nieces and nephews have been born in recent years. These are 2 new children I will never meet.

Prior to my Husbands arrest, I would be the one going to visit as soon as I possibly could with cards, flowers and gifts for the new baby.

I am still that person.

I know I could send them anyway but I can’t handle any further rejection to be honest.

I know I could hate my husband for having done this to our life. Yes the crime was his but he is currently behind bars, locked in his cell for 22/23 hours per day, paying for his crime.

I am being punished by the people that are supposed to love me.

It feels very unfair and very unjust.

#itwasntme 😢😭💔😢😭💔

As one year ends and another begins, I want to acknowledge those who have helped me through this year.

My Husbands arrest in May 2020, completely blown our world apart. One by one my relationship with my relatives broke down due to their complete refusal to even ‘try’ to understand the reasons why my husband offended.

Following a long drawn out police investigation, my husband was sentenced in August 2021 and recieved a custodial sentence. His case also hit the media.

The back lash from my family and friends was a mix of: if we support you we will be accepting what he has done and we never can. To; how can you forgive or accept what he’s done?! To complete silence.

The fact that the children and I had essentially lost him for the foreseeable, pained into insignificance to them as they continued to treat me like a secondary ‘Perpetrator’ of my husbands offence.

I don’t think I could have gotten through 2021, especially since August, without the love and support of my AMAZING Warrior women friends.

Every day I chat to these women via 3 x WhatsApp groups and also one to one. Sharing voice notes of support, positive quotes and general chit chat of our daily challenges as we deal with the aftermath of our Husbands / Sons offences.

I have met just 5 of these women face to face, last October when we met halfway between where we all live, dotted accross the country. It was a very emotional union.

We have zoom meet ups and share quizzes and a glass of wine, when we can.

The physical relationships don’t matter. We are dotted around the UK. These relationships I have formed with my fellow Warrior Women, runs far deeper than the majority of friendships I’ve had come and go in my life.

The connection and mutual understanding of the shock, anger, anxiety and backlash of ‘the knock’ is invaluable.

One of the other women and I have often said how it usually takes several years to get to this level of ‘comfortable’ with friends. We have connected through a unique set of circumstances yet we are all very alike. From all walks of life and yet our common personality traits are that we are empathic, compassionate, genuine and kind.

I’ve been a support worker for many years. I’ve worked with ex- offenders, substance misuse, severe mental health, homelessness. Aside from mild mental health, I have no ‘lived’ experience. I have always felt that my empathy and client centred approach has served me well to build effective working relationships.

However, I’ve learnt that some things in life we actually have to go through ourselves to fully understand. Many of us women have had extremely judgemental and inappropriate comments from Social Workers, counsellors, police, safeguarding leads, Probation officers etc, judging us for supporting our Husbands.

Only a Non-offending partner / Warrior woman can fully understand the parallel emotions that come from finding out someone you love so much had comitted such an abhorrent offence. An offence we hate just as much as the rest of society but that doesn’t automatically result in us stopping loving or even respecting that person. As we know they are much more than their offence.

So I want to thank each and every one of you for your love and support over the past year, especially these last 4 months or so. Your love, support and understanding has gave me so much strength and confidence to keep on going and keep on fighting for my little family.

Whether you’re though to the other side, if there is one, going through imprisonment like us or still awaiting charges, you’ve all been amazing.

I sincerely hope that I help you, half as much as you help me.

Sending you all lots of love and hope that 2022 brings about more support and understanding for us, the forgotten victims.

💜💗♥️❤️💖🙏🙏🙏