Author Archives: Rainbowgirl1980

As the title suggests.. I am feeling broken hearted.

I’ve just talked and cried for at least half an hour to my husband on the phone. I always feel bad on him when I do but I cannot hide how I feel from my other half.

Christmas has been so tough for us both. The kids have coped far better than he or I have.

Since I effectively ‘told’ my neighbour my husband was in prison on 23rd and she told me she went googling it, my anxiety has kicked off again.

My snow globe analogy of something happening and it triggers things all over again.. Shakes up that snow globe.

I love my husband so much. I cannot and will not walk away from him. Yet I just cannot accept the complete lack of support and understanding I’m experiencing.

By standing by my Husband, I feel that I have been forced to take partial responsibility for his crime.

My neighbours words of, ‘I would have cut all ties, you’re stronger than me’ keep whirling around in my head. I know I am ruminating and it’s not healthy.

The work I’ve done to understand his offence…. The endless hours of questioning him and trying to understand his mental health, speaking to Lucy Faithful helpline and doing their inform course. Not to mention reading so many articles on porn addiction and speaking to tons of other partners or mothers like me who are learning the same, at times feels pointless.

I feel like I’ve learnt a new language. I speak it, my husband does, the tons of women I’m in touch with and many professionals on Twitter do too, the rest of society tell us that it doesn’t exist.

Society tells us that anyone who looks at a child in a sexual way is a deviant Paedophile / potential perpetrator.

I sometimes wish I had stopped loving him. I sometimes wish that I could have walked away and started my life again.

The pain I’ve been through over the past 19 months is excruciating. Yet the pain of losing my husband doesn’t bare thinking about.

My parents have died and I didn’t have a choice but to try to get over them, to heal my grief.

Now I do. I do not have to get over my husband as he’s very much alive. Those who say ‘I would have walked away’ it’s a hyperthetical statement. You cannot make such a decision based on hypothesis. The reality of someone you love so much / your soulmate / best friend / the father of your children doing something so abhorant and incomprehensible is very different.

My husband gets so upset when I do. He says he’s sorry for the 1000th time. He’s doing absolutely all he can to rehabilitate and redeem himself.. Everything within his control. However he cannot go back in time and change what happened. He cannot change people’s opinions of him.

My Husband says he doesn’t want to cause me any more pain. However, the pain of having to getting over losing him would be far more unbearable than it is now. Also those who have abandoned us all in our greatest hour of need, I will never be able to see in the same light.

Boxing day is almost over. It’s been a tough few days.

I really wasn’t sure how I would get through Christmas day with the boys on my own and my Husband not being here with us.

However I feel that yesterday was easier than Christmas eve or today.

Today we went for a boxing day lunch out with the inlaws. It was really nice… Lots of tasty food and wine.

The tough thing is that they put us on a 6 seater table. There was my 2 boys. My inlaws and I. Then there was an empty chair. Sitting there where my Husband should be, with his wife, his children and his parents.

My heart breaks for us all.

Prison is like a temporary bereavement. It’s hard not to feel that there’s a huge gap in everything we do, without him.

As for my side of the family: no cards and no presents for the boys.

They really don’t need them. They got lovely presents off Santa (us), my inlaws and money and vouchers off my husbands extended family.

However; it astounds me how my their Aunties and grown up cousins can punish them further when their Dad is in prison at Christmas. Then again, their gifts and cards would be tokenistic / obligatory when they do not want to acknowledge my children have a father who they love.

So, we have got through it, just about.

For the first time in my life, I am glad that Christmas is almost over.

We did it. We got through Christmas day. The boys and I at home and my husband locked up for 22/23 hours in his cell.

I’m 41 and this is by far my toughest Christmas so far.

Seeing the boys faces this morning opening their presents was amazing. Yet a sadness was still there at their Dad not being there to see it too.

We have done Christmas Dinner different this year. My boys aren’t a fan of roast dinners anyway and I didn’t want to spend half the day cooking and washing dishes only to feel like he was missing. So we had a festive buffet of the foods we like.

Hubby has called us 4 times I think. First this morning, then lunchtime, then this afternoon. We managed to play a board game with him on speaker phone. It worked well to be honest. Not the same but it was some normality… Making lemonade from the lemons we’ve been given.

I can tell that my husband has been low. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been not being here with us where he should be.

The boys are 10 and 15 and have never spent a Christmas apart form either of us. This is the first Christmas I haven’t been with him since 1998, the year before we met.

I’ve done my best to make the day special for the boys and to be honest we’ve just done lots of chilling together which has been lovely.

Last night I had my meltdown when he went off the phone. The anticipation was actually tougher than the day itself. Especially having to play Santa getting all the presents out for the boys on my own.

We are tougher than we realise. We become more resilient with every challenge that is thrown at us.

I am super proud of my gorgeous boys, my husband and myself for getting through today.

So yesterday was a fairly full on day.

In the morning I went shopping for the last bits of Christmas food for me and the boys.

Then I picked up Christmas cakes made by my work colleague.

Then I went to put flowers on my Mum and Dad’s grave. Noticing clearly none of my sisters have been near for a while. I’m the ostracised one yet I’m the one who makes the effort as usual.

Then it was visiting time to see Hubby before Christmas.

The boys and I and my inlaws all went. The last one 5 of us can be at before restrictions start in January again.

We sat chatting, colouring in Christmas pictures and games. It was a nice visit. Very surreal surroundings but we did manage to spend nice quality family time together.

The tough part came when it was time to say goodbye. Knowing we won’t see him now until Christmas is over.

We got home and the boys had been left Christmas presents off Children heard and seen. Amazing gifts they both loved. It was great booster for them after seeing their dad for the last time before Christmas.

Then in the evening I hosted a zoom quiz with the other amazing Warrior Women I’m in touch with. These ladies have become more than friends to me. They feel more like family to me right now to be honest. We get eachother through each day whilst going through the toughest time of our lives.

We had lots of fun. The quiz went down well and we all washed it down with various alcoholic drinks.

A group of women from all walks of life; spread between England, Wales and Northern Ireland. United by our Husbands offences. Adversity brought us together and we have made lifelong friends. These ladies are the some of most empathic, compassionate and kind people I’ve ever met.

Many of us have been shunned by our families by supporting our Husbands. There has been lots of noise around us being recognised as victims of crime. I actually feel like it’s more than that. We are actually treated more like perpetrators.

I am so grateful to these ladies for helping me to get through each day. I hope I help them half as much as they help me.

It’s Christmas eve today. Me and the boys will speak to Hubby on the phone but we will miss him terribly.

I will do all I can to make sure we have a very special day tomorrow but I know it won’t be the same without him.

My children and I have lost so much since my husband went to prison.

We are facing Christmas without him here with us where he belongs.

My heart breaks when I think of Christmas morning and it just being me here to see them open their presents and not their Dad. They are the most adorable boys and they deserve their family together at Christmas.

They will see their Grandparents, my lovely inlaws who are there for us all right now. However, they won’t see their Aunties or cousins as my family have turned their backs on us when we are going through such pain.

Today I have been shopping for some last minute bits. I’ve been fighting back the tears as I listen to Christmas music and try not to think that the last Christmas I wasn’t with my husband was 1998 the year before we met. Think of how it will be the first Christmas the boys haven’t had their Dad here in 11 years for my youngest and 16 for my eldest 😭😭.

I came home to a missed parcel card from royal mail. It said there is a parcel next door. I couldn’t think of anything I had ordered and haven’t already recieved.

I picked up the parcel and my neighbours teenage daughter said that it is ‘heavy’.

The parcel is from a very special lady who I met in 2020, when we both joined reached out to Lucy Faithful, trying to make some sort of sense of how our husbands had been led to offending online.

I came home and opened it. That’s when the tears started to flow and haven’t stopped.

Since then, we have our little WhatsApp group with the other ladies and we speak daily. This lady in particular sends us a daily positive quote that is sent by her Auntie. It lifts my spirits each day.

This AMAZING lady is having her own battle to get her husband back home where he belongs. However, since my Husband went to prison, she and the other ladies have been there for me every step of the way.

In October 2021 we all met in person, at a central point as we are scattered accross England. We cried and hugged when we met as we have been though such a journey together.

The parcel, well it contains a bottle of wine and many little wrapped up gifts for the boys and I. I sobbed when I took each one out of the box. I haven’t even unwrapped anything yet.

I won’t get a gift this year off my husband and I’m pretty sure I won’t get anything off family aside from maybe my Brother in law who has been the only one who hasn’t punished me for my husbands offence.

So these gifts and gesture from my amazing friend, means more than she will ever know.

No that isn’t a ‘typo’ or predictive text gone wrong.

Grammatically, it makes no sense does it?!

Yet in my life right now, it does.

I’m a Tenancy Support officer at the moment. I work for a Housing association. The aim of my role is to prevent vulnerable adults and families from being evicted.

Today I visited a new client who is at great risk of eviction. His rent arrears are in excess of £2000. He has spent many years on benefits due to metal health issues and learning difficulties but is now working and lacks financial management skills.

His flat is extremely cluttered and I don’t think he’s managing too well. I spent 2 hours with him and have already started chipping away at sorting out his rent, other finances and trying to find a solicitor to get him advice about regaining contact with his Daughter.

Then I went to visit a couple of the shared accommodation flats I oversee. The tenants have previously been homeless and now they have a roof over their head and lots of support to help them to develop independent living skills to move on to their own accommodation.

Then I’ve been arranging food and energy vouchers for clients who are struggling financially at this time of year.

I finished work before feeling very proud of my achievements today.

The clients I’ve met and helped today have thanked me and I know I have made a difference in their lives.

I know I am a good person with a kind heart. I put a lot of good into this world. Yet my ‘relatives’ and ‘friends’ have affectively abandoned me for my decision to stand by my Husband.

I am more than just my Husband’s offence.

The simplest of conversations can trigger me right now.

This time in 2 weeks it will be boxing day.

I have just gotten off the phone with my Husband and now I’m incredibly sad and low. To be honed I have been all day. I am hormonal and feeling very emotional.

We had a simple conversation about him ordering canteen supplies for next week.

He told me that he has ordered Mince pies and clemantimes. Something festive he said.

Why did this get my tears flowing again?!

Because, this Christmas, he won’t be here to have mince pies and clemantimes with his Wife and Kids.

I cannot bare the thought of him being in there at Christmas. I feel so cheated. He should be here with us where he belongs.

This morning my 10 year old and I have been for breakfast with Santa.

We met with staff and other family from Children Heard and seen who support families affected by parental imprisonment.

It was a really lovely morning. The children were made to feel so special. One of the children’s fathers even turned up as a surprise to the children as he was out on license for the first time. That was very emotional.

I spoke to an amazing young lady who’s father is recently out after 6 year. She has processed the trauma so well and understands how it affected her and her siblings different. A level of emotional intelligence many adults fail to get to.

I have felt so much shame and judgement since my Husband was arrested and more so since he went to prison.

To be honest I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable to share his offence with other families unless I already know they are in a very similar position to me.

However, one of the staff really helped me when she said that we are ‘going through the same storm in different boats.’

Social care fail families like ours.

The ‘system’ doesn’t currently recognise us as any sort of victim despite the trauma that children and partners go through.

So I have an amazing amount of appreciation for children heard and seen staff for their non judgmental support.

When many of us have lost our other support networks, it means so much.

The staff I have met so far are extremely passionate about helping families like ours and helping us to get the support we deserve.

Thank you so much Children heard and seen. You’re all amazing 🙏🙏🙏💖💖💖

I’ve just sat in my car trying to stop the tears flowing.

Just before I got out this song came on the radio and I feel the lyrics were speaking directly to me:

You’ve got the words to change a nation
But you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you’ll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
So come on, come on
Come on, come onYou’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come onI wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out.

Today I don’t feel like I have the strength to speak out as I have been.

I am a non-offending partner and I have never felt so judged and so ostracised in my life.

I’ve just met with my work colleagues for a Christmas coffee in the park due to covid restrictions. Only my manager and 1 colleague know about my husband. I say colleague but we’ve worked together before and have been kind of friends on an off around 7 years.

I decided to tell her about my husband when we started working together again last year. She was shocked but supportive. We have both worked with very complex needs and I thought she may try to understand from the mental health angle like I have. She kept saying to me you know your husband do what you think is best.

Then when it hit the media I was off work and she called me as she had saw it. She was making sure me and the kids were OK. I told her how broken I was that he got a custodial. She hasn’t been the same with me since.

She was never a best friend. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. Her opinion doesn’t matter.

So why do I feel so broken hearted?

This Christmas I will spend with my boys and my inlaws. Whilst my husband is locked in a cell 23 hours a day and not with us where he should be.

Why oh why oh why am I just being punished by those who are ‘supposed’ to care about me?

My family and friends have walked away from me during the toughest time in my life. Why? Because they think I now condone child abuse? Because they don’t think I am disgusted by him looking at this stuff online?!

I’ve worked so so hard to process and heal but this shame and feeling of extreme guilt is too much to bare.

More importantly it too much. Its too harsh.

It’s a year today until my husband is released. We are already a quarter of the way through his sentence.

He is paying for his crime.

When will I stop paying for mine?

My crime of being a compassionate and empathic person and understanding how and why my husband ended up where he did?

Over the past 2 days I have:

* Met with a PhD student who is currently working on a research project with non-offending partners / ex-partners, looking into the reasons why people stay with their partners and why people leave.

* Spoken with a journalist who is currently working on an article around Idecent Images. She is looking into how ‘accessible’ these are in the porn world online.

* Attended a webinar raising awareness of how ‘the knock’ and the impact upon families both short and long term.

I’ve been part of this ‘world’ for over 18 months now. I have spoken to probably hundreds of women who’s lives and families have been blown apart since the knock.

There are many professionals now working to raise awareness and give non-offending partners a voice. Yet there is little change.

The presentation on the Webinar revealed that around 850 men are getting the knock every month. Many of these have families like mine. 35% of knocks have children present at the time.

The presentation is being rolled out to police forces and I think they said has been delivered around 250 times.

It gives me hope that professionals are starting to sing from the same hymn sheet as myself and the other ladies I’ve met along the way. However, we are not the decision makers or the ones who can enforce change.

When are the police going to stop coming in so mob handedly and blowing families lives apart? When are social care going to start assessing men properly and stop causing additional trauma to children and partners by treating all of the men viewing these images as one step away from harming a real child?

Statistics show that 75% of men are led down this path by legal material available freely on porn sites and social media.

98% of online offenders would never escalate to contact offending.

There is a pandemic of porn addiction that us bubbling under society.