I’ve just sat in my car trying to stop the tears flowing.
Just before I got out this song came on the radio and I feel the lyrics were speaking directly to me:
You’ve got the words to change a nation
But you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you’ll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
So come on, come on
Come on, come onYou’ve got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we’re a little different
There’s no need to be ashamed
You’ve got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come onI wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream ’til the words dry out.
Today I don’t feel like I have the strength to speak out as I have been.
I am a non-offending partner and I have never felt so judged and so ostracised in my life.
I’ve just met with my work colleagues for a Christmas coffee in the park due to covid restrictions. Only my manager and 1 colleague know about my husband. I say colleague but we’ve worked together before and have been kind of friends on an off around 7 years.
I decided to tell her about my husband when we started working together again last year. She was shocked but supportive. We have both worked with very complex needs and I thought she may try to understand from the mental health angle like I have. She kept saying to me you know your husband do what you think is best.
Then when it hit the media I was off work and she called me as she had saw it. She was making sure me and the kids were OK. I told her how broken I was that he got a custodial. She hasn’t been the same with me since.
She was never a best friend. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. Her opinion doesn’t matter.
So why do I feel so broken hearted?
This Christmas I will spend with my boys and my inlaws. Whilst my husband is locked in a cell 23 hours a day and not with us where he should be.
Why oh why oh why am I just being punished by those who are ‘supposed’ to care about me?
My family and friends have walked away from me during the toughest time in my life. Why? Because they think I now condone child abuse? Because they don’t think I am disgusted by him looking at this stuff online?!
I’ve worked so so hard to process and heal but this shame and feeling of extreme guilt is too much to bare.
More importantly it too much. Its too harsh.
It’s a year today until my husband is released. We are already a quarter of the way through his sentence.
He is paying for his crime.
When will I stop paying for mine?
My crime of being a compassionate and empathic person and understanding how and why my husband ended up where he did?
After the knock 
Well done on another great post. So sorry you are feeling this way today. I can relate as everyday is another day of very mixed emotions. I had a very similar conversation with an old friend last night via messaging. I told her how I am being condemned because of his actions. She said I am being condemned for supporting him. Wth! It makes me so bloody mad how some people’s attitudes opinions and views are so black and white. After telling myself I would say nothing to her I then proceded to send her a very long message trying to explain that whilst I am appalled at what my partner has done and I will never ever condone it I am supporting him and that we are both working hard together to understand the how’s and whys of this mess he has got into etc etc. And guess what no reply from her. I will give her the benefit of the doubt in case she is processing everything I said. But to be honest I think that’s another one off my Christmas card list. Sadly we are suffering as much as our partners and in some way more because we are left dealing with everything whilst they are in Prison. So please stay strong and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children and inlaws x
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Thank you so much love.
I’m so sorry to hear what your friend said too. I really just feel so disappointed in people right now. They have no idea how tough all of this is for us. If they did they wouldn’t want to hurt us all the more.
I feel like we all need to get a tattoo saying.. We do not condone what he has done.
Sending you big hugs hunny xxxxxx
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Days like today are soul destroying. They crush to the core. I wonder how many people would be kinder if they knew the truth behind the brave smile we put on? If they only knew that their interaction with us made us wail behind closed doors. If it were me, I would be mortified that I made someone cry. Sadly, I donāt think anyone of my relatives or judgementalāfriendsā, or acquaintances whoāve made me cry would care.
Society cares about people with addictions and one day that will include people with addictions to indecent images. Enough of trying to call all of these men paedophiles. Latest research out of the university of Nottingham Trent shows that addictions of this nature are mostly non-paedophilic type. [SOCAMRU]
Society has to be educated and hopefully change will come and fast! With 850+ New families affected by this per month, soon it will be on everyoneās doorstep xx
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Thank you hunny. It’s just so unfair and unjust how we are treated.
I hope you’re right that one day porn addiction will be treated as a real thing and society mag go some way to understanding how these offences start x
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It’s been 5 years since my husband was arrested and sent to prison .I went through so much with family and friends (turned out they really was not my friends).I have pretty much isolated myself from them .I really con not go through all the emotional trauma again so choose to be very wary of who I let into my world and yes it can be very lonely but for me it’s self preservation.
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I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through too..it’s an incredibly traumatic journey and we lose so many people along the way of standing by our husbands.
I hope yours is out of prison now and you’re rebuilding your life.
Are you in touch with other partners? Please feel free to message me privately. I am intouch with lots of others xx
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hi yes he has been out of prison for some time we don’t live together anymore I had to move into a one bedroom flat because we had to move from our house due to his crime .I have made my flat my home now and really can’t stand the thought of ever going through it ever again .I have been a member of stopso for four years but don’t really post on there anymore
I would really like to find people like myself in my area but have not really bern successful I feel only people who have been through this trauma can fully understand.
Ps I do have regular contact with my husband and try to support him xx
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Sorry to hear you’re not together anymore. I completely relate to the feeling of I could never, ever go through this again. It would kill me.
Please message me privately. I know a fair few others dotted around the UK so could maybe put you intouch with someone hopefully xxx
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I am still trying to navigate this site and have no idea how to private message you x
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If you found me through Twitter you can direct message me on there. Or look for me at Rainbowgirl1982 xx
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