There’s a poem I love called Children learn what they live.
‘If a child lives with shame, they learn to feel guilt.’
I am struggling with overwhelming feelings of guilt, because I am being shamed through no fault of my own.
I’ve been reading up how to heal from shame. It’s about being remorseful and forgiving yourself. Should I have to forgive myself for merely loving my Husband?
Last night I had a dream about my family. Nothing specific as such just a family party I have snipits of recollection about.
Then I’ve just been in a local shop and saw someone who used to be a friend I went to play groups with when my youngest was little. I didn’t say hello first. I never do anymore. If I can avoid someone then I do. If not I wait to see if they say hello first. I wait to see if they deem me worthy of a hello.
That makes me so incredibly sad. I am a good person. I’ve dedicated my life to supporting and helping vulnerable people. I have done everything I can to help and support family and friends in my life.
I don’t know why I am justifying who I am. I know who I am. I know who I am not. I am not a bad person. I couldn’t turn my back on anyone I love if they were struggling. I couldn’t turn my back on my husband when I know during his offending he was rock bottom. His mental health had hit rock bottom.
I try to get through each day. I speak to many other non offending partners I am in touch with and we all support eachother. Yet I am so broken. My family and some friends have stepped away from me because they clearly cannot accept my decision to stand by my husband.
When I met my husband he was at University. I grew up on a council estate and at that point nobody in my family had gone to Uni. He went on to have a successful reputable career.
I have always been proud to be his wife. I have always been happy for any of my friends or work colleagues to meet him. I am the more sociable one but others would always comment what a ‘nice guy’ he seems.
Now I’m being made to feel ashamed for loving him. I can’t accept that.
I DESPISE what he’s done. I always will. Yet I still love him so so much. The work he’s done since his arrest and how well he is getting through his sentence make me feel proud to be his wife.
Yet I am so torn as others are trying to make me feel shame and guilt. Guilt for a crime I never committed.
After the knock 
Shame is so damaging, such an uncomfortable feeling and it really serves no purpose. Yet we are made to feel this way by others. Have you encountered the work of Brene Brown? She’s a shame and vulnerability researcher. I found a lot of what she says is so relevant to what we experience.
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Thanks. I know you’ve mentioned this before and I did look into a while back but I will revisit thank you. X
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Definitely worth another look. It’s so hard what you’ve experiencing and through no fault of your own. You shouldn’t be shamed for caring X
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The shame you feel is not for your own sins, it is societal stigmatisation internalised. You’ve nothing to feel guilty for. Try and visualise handing it back to ‘them’.
I was first in our family too to go to university. I wanted to be a SW. Thankfully I changed direction. I often feel called to do SW but I’d probably not last 6 months. From my personal experience they treat innocent people like us with ignorance. Some of the SW’s are no better than the crowds with their pitchforks! If anyone is to feel shame, it should be them, because they are failing our families.
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