Feeling grateful & Proud 🙏💖

I started this week by writing a blog about feeling shame and guilt for a crime I never comitted.

This week has been one of the toughest by far. Nothing in particular has happened or changed, it’s just how I’ve been feeling.

Physically and mentally I have felt completely depleted.

It’s been time of the month and so hormones have been raging making me feel completely drained of energy and depressed, feeling helpless and hopeless.

I have also had symptoms of cold / covid; a fuzzy head, aches and pains, sore throat and extreme fatigue. Just to be clear I’ve done several lateral flow tests and a pcr and I’m clear.

Every day has felt like such an effort. An effort to merely get up in the mornings and get my Son to school. As a temporary single parent I don’t have a choice. If I don’t get up and take him then he doesn’t go in. Even that simplistic task this week has felt too much of a responsibility. Working form home the last 3 days has been a real challenge keeping myself motivated.

I feel like I have wollowed in self pity a lot this week. The whole why me catastrophising of the situation we are in. I here being in that mental place as it makes me feel completely powerless.

The things I have done to try to help myself are:

A bubble bath of an evening, earlier nights, keeping off Twitter, meditations and breathing exercises using my incense, healing stones, candles and salt lamp to create a serene environment, writing down my thoughts and feelings, speaking to my lovely warrior women friends, an ad hoc counselling therapy session, earlier nights, reading my book and crying. Yes crying to heal myself.

I also bought tons of fruit and veg and have been making curries, smoothies and eating fresh fruit and veg each day to get some goodness into me. I also take multi vitamins every day.

My therapist is amazing she totally understands what I am going through. She told me that I have every right to feel how I do as I am going through so much.

As well as messages, voice notes and phone calls from my amazing Warrior women friends, I also recieved an amazing gift in the post from one of them. We swapped addresses for Christmas cards. I recieved an unexpected parcel in the post from Amazon. It was a lovely set of healing essential oil roll ons. There is one specifically for sleep .

The note with it said:

This little gift is to remind you… Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Sending hugs and strength xxx

Since I have used this I have slept better. That meant such a lot that she was thinking of me 🙏💖

I opened this parcel whilst on the phone to my husband. I told him that the women I’ve met through this journey are far nicer than my own friends and family are.

I also recieved another gift in the post from another Warrior woman friend: a book wrote by a prisoner called ‘A bit of a stretch.’ we had discussed me reading it and sending my husband the same book direct to him. Using the idea off another lady off Twitter of us reading the same book and discussing. Like our own mini book club. She included a lovely card and wrote a little poem for every letter of my name which is a tough task at 7 letters long. Also the little message inside read:

Love will.. be patient and kind, love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.

At the end it read, ‘Thank you for being you’

It means more than she will ever know. To be valued and accepted for being me.

I am on the highest dose of my anti-depressants and have been having honey and lemsips to ease my symptoms. So I am confident I’ve done all I can to help myself. I have only ‘Just about’ got through the week.

The judgement and attitude from my family and friends of ‘I’ve made my bed so I must lie in it’ is the most harsh and unjust  attitude they could have possibly adopted.

I speak to non-offending partners every day. Whether we are coping with our partners in prison, awaiting charges or trying to rebuild our families, coming out the other side of this, in or not in a relationship with them, we all have one thing in common, we are going through the toughest journey of or lives.

Yesterday I attended the Children Heard and Seen parents support group for non-offending partners. I broke down in tears talking of the shame and judgement I am feeling. I was supported by the other parents and also the member of children heard and seen staff. They said to me that I should not feel shame as I am doing so well in getting through my husbands sentence and supporting my children and him too. I should feel the opposite of shame, I should feel PRIDE.

This made me cry happy tears. Hearing that word made me feel that word.

So this week I feel that my sadness and shame has positively turned into pride and gratitude. Pride of coping with all of this and gratitude to have amazing women in my life who understand what I am going through and despite their own challenges, support me every day.

If you know anybody who is a non offending partner going through this. I beg you go show them your love and support. Their life has been turned upside down and they are suffering I can guarantee. They are ectremely vulnerable right now and need your love and support 💖.