Will my anxiety ever stop being triggered?!

I woke up early hours and heard talking downstairs. My eldest was still up on the PlayStation chatting to his mates.

I made him go to bed.

I was left with an overwhelming anxiety. My chest felt tight and I felt sick. My head whirling.

Those of you who have read my other blogs will know that my husband is in prison for an online Indecent Images offence.

It didn’t start there. I know it started with regular porn. Him using it as an escape. Staying up later and later each night, more and more often.

When we were first together, I was young and insecure, I feel like I was a little possessive. I liked to know what he was upto all the time. I’d grown up a lot and was secure in our relationship / marriage after over 20 years and 2 kids.

I used to do shifts in my job. This often meant I was first up and first to bed. He has always been a night owl anyway but it got to the stage whereby even of a weekend we barely ever went to bed together.

I am a fairly light sleeper since having kids, so I would often wake in the night to him not in bed next to me or him just coming up the stairs or getting in bed. Sometimes I wouldn’t look at the time, if I did it would be ridiculous hours of 2 or 3pm, when he had to be up for work the next day. Two days before the knock, I woke up at 4.50am on a Monday morning, to him just coming to bed.

I would tell myself when I woke at those ungodly hours, that I wasn’t his mum. He was a good dad and husband, he worked hard and he deserved some down time. He didn’t go out with friends or have any hobbies outside of the house and me and the kids. So if staying up late was what helped him unwind then that was his choice.

If I ever asked him why he stayed up so late the night before, he would tell me he had ‘fell asleep watching tele.’

After the arrest, I learnt of his porn compulsion that led to the complete desensitisation and escalation to illegal images. The biggest shock of my life, to say the least.

I felt so foolish.

All those times I told myself it was me being paranoid and suspicious. Now I know what he was doing I feel so humiliated.

I’ve learnt so much about addiction since this all began. The secrecy, the shame, the cycle of self loathing. I know that it was never really about porn, it was about escape. It was about releasing endorphins and chasing that elusive ‘high.’

Yet as a wife and a partner of many years. I am still left feeling so hurt and betrayed by my husbands behaviour. Him hiding something so huge.

So last night, early hours when I woke abruptly to my son still up, it brought back those feelings of anxiety I used to have in the middle of the night when my husband was still up, yet this time I know what he was doing. It triggered me so much I felt like I was there, in the future when he comes home.

My husband hasn’t lived with us since he was arrested in May 2020.

Upon his release in December this year it will be over 2 1/2 years.

I want more than anything for him to come home and live with us again as a family.

Yet I cannot go through the pain I have been through, ever again.

He has done so much work since the arrest, to understand the complete breakdown of his mental health which led him down that very dark path. He understands and processes his emotions more than I’ve ever known him to.

I love him dearly and believe him when he tells me he will do everything he can to get home to us and to rebuild my trust.

I do believe him. I know he never intended to break my heart and tear our world apart like he did.

However, I feel that it will be a long while before I can relax and fully trust him again.

What’s the saying…fool me once and shame on me, fool me twice and shame on you.

If this ever happened again I know I would turn into a ‘mad woman.’

Yet I still want our family together again.

Being a Non offending partner who stays, takes strength and resilience you wouldn’t believe.