Sometimes I worry that there is something wrong with my brain.
It’s been almost 2 years since my husband was arrested for Indecent images. It’s been over 8 months since he was sentenced and went to prison.
I have done the Inform course, I have read study after study, article after article of how and why men are led down this horrid path through porn desensitisation. I have spent hours upon hours quizzing my husband inside out and upside down. I have also and do also speak to many other wives just like me, every day.
I do understand it. As sickening as it is, I do understand how poor mental health and addiction / desensitisation can lead people down this horrendous path. I do understand how accessible these sickening images have become on the unregulated internet.
Yet, the shock and disbelief that my husband, ended up there, is too much to comprehend.
I’m away at a caravan park with the boys and the dog. We’ve made the most of it. We’ve had good weather for April, we’ve been on days out, swimming, to the club to play bingo and watch shows.
Tonight we played Bingo and the theme was rock songs you had to mark off. One of our songs, we’ve sang together on karaoke so many times, Dakota by Stereophonics came on. Also Oasis. How they remind me of him. How so much reminds me of him.
I looked around at the Dads, with their little ones, just like we used to be, a family of 4.
Our eldest is 15, almost 16. Our youngest is 10, 11 later this year. We’ve been together for over 22 years and next week we will have been married 20.
We have so many memories of being a happy family together. Family day trips and breaks away. Almost a lifetime of memories, until that BOMB dropped on our lives.
I’ve done my best to make these last few days nice for the boys. My eldest has been super stressed with his exam revision. He seems to have really relaxed during our trip.
The shock that he is not here with us as he should be, just doesn’t feel real. He calls us daily, from his cell. Yesterday whilst we were on the beach.
It feels so surreal. My life feels like a film. I feel like I am improvising, with no script.
My brain can’t seem to process it.
I have had hours upon hours of talking therapy, yet I still don’t feel like I’ve accepted what has happened to our life.
I hope one day I can process things properly. I hope one day our little family will be a family of 4 again.
After the knock 
I just want to say that I completely relate to the feelings you have written about. Sometimes I am struck by the enormity of what happened to us. It feels surreal. I think back to us being a family, the holidays we had, the life we had, and how it was all suddenly blown apart. It seems surreal that he was ever in prison, like part of my brain can’t quite join that up to our lives but then the other part of me knows it did happen. Hard to explain. I am glad you were able to enjoy some time away and I hope the the remainder of his sentence passes quickly for all of you. Xx
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Thanks hunny. I think it’s how our brain processes trauma, to detach ourselves from some of the reality in order to retain some sense of sanity.
Time is the only healer when dealing with trauma xxx
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Yes that is so true about trauma. Things over time do become less acute. I also find that time stood still and when I think of our old house, I envisage being inside of the rooms there as though we still live there. Xx
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It must be very difficult to comprehend that that is no longer your home as you left so abruptly.
With every loss there is a grieving and healing process.
I hope you will find a way to process things and to heal xxxx
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Thank you ❤️xx
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Hi I totally get where your coming from, but don’t understand why you’d want him back after what he’s done, mental health is not an excuse!
Why you ask, my husband, whom I was with for 37yrs & married for 35yrs, sexually penetrated my 16yr old granddaughter, he’s pleaded guilty to 4 charges. I’ve also since found out that he tried to run off with my daughter-in- law, also sending her a box of sex toys, when I confronted him when this happened approx. 8yrs ago & he swore to me it wasn’t him it was her! Then he claimed a breakdown, as I see it now it was all part of his deception?
Mine is very recent only came to light when my granddaughter had the courage to speak up, I’m so proud of her & how brave she is, but she’s not getting any help or support, although we are desperately trying.
He won’t be sentenced till July, that in itself is distressing us as we just want justice & some closure.
Not only has he commited a heinous act in a position of trust, for which he told someone he enjoyed doing, he tried to make my granddaughter feel guilty because stood up & told her mum & dad, incidentally, my son & his wife split up over it when it happened & she kept the evidence which the police now have.
I also found female clothing that was clearly his as he sent my ex daughter-in-law a picture of himself all dressed & made up!
I worked anti social hours for extra money so he could forefill his dreams, theirs nothing left, he’s used it all & left me at 67 with nothing but debts & the clothes on my back. I’m living with my son & granddaughters because I can’t bare being in the rented property we shared as a couple.
He’s totally destroyed me as I loved him to bits, he kept telling me how much he loved me & couldn’t live without me, how we move on from this deception & all the lies I don’t know?
I just hope he’s suffering & getting what he deserves, because he deserves no better.
Just to say their are millions of people in this country alone who have severe mental health problems, my son included, but they DO NOT commit these terrible crimes, so I don’t consider it an excuse?
I hope you consider yourself & your kids before taking him back, because it will never be the same & how could you ever trust him again? I know I couldn’t be near my ex now or ever trust him again even though I don’t know how to stop loving him, I’ve a long way to go?
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Hi Audrey, I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. I can’t even imagine how devastated you are. So much betrayal and so much pain and destruction caused.
As much as I understand my husbands poor mental health and addiction, I still believe he committed aborhent online crimes and he deserves to be punished.
However, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to be with him as I know it’s not all he is. Xx
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We all have our own choices to make & I respect yours.
I know I just couldn’t trust any sex offender again?
I hope it all works out the way you want it to?
Thank you for your support, I’m just so distraught at his betrayal x
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Thanks Audrey. No 2 stories are the same and we have to do what is right for us and for our family xxx
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Yes we do, hope it works out for you x
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