Dear family, friends, reader,

The boys and I have had the most horrendous 2 years of our life since the knock and Husbands arrest in May 2020.

I understand your shock, disbelief and disgust at my Husbands online offending, of course I do.

I feel the same. His behaviour was inexcusable, aborhent and immoral. The shock I know I will take with me to my grave one day, for it will never fully leave me.

The shock comes from the fact that my Husbands behaviour was so completely out of character for him.

Despite public and media perception, he is NOT a monster.

You know him. You think you don’t now but you do. Yes he has committed a heinous crime and one he has to pay for and he is paying for. Yet he is still the same person you all knew and loved.

What I have learnt through 2 years of copious questioning, reading studies, reports, speaking to professionals and many other partners just like me, is that this is something that he has done. This is not something he is.

I have learnt that the words my husband used not long after the arrest, ‘desensitisation to porn, escape, didn’t feel real as it was behind a screen,’ all explain one thing, that he was mentally in a very bad place and addicted. Yes he made choices, yes he could have tried to stop, get help somewhere along the way but he lost control. He lost himself.

Let me explain what I’ve learnt about addiction through my work, experience and training over 19 years of supporting people with mental health issues and addiction.

Nobody wakes up one day and makes a rational decision to drink a litre of vodka, to gamble away their life’s savings, to inject heroin into their veins, to spend half their income on cocaine or cannabis or to download indecent images of children.

Poor coping mechanisms, unmet needs, trauma, anxiety and depression and other mental health issues lead us to a substance. We look for something to release endorphins and dopamine. Something to ‘hijack the brain’ and help us escape our daily life, manage our stress levels and numb emotional pain.

It starts off small, a glass of wine, a line of cocaine, a joint, watching ordinary porn, our brain responds. It temporarily numbs our pain and we feel better. Then we turn back to the same thing to help us. Over time our tolerance levels increase and we need more of the same thing to get the same feeling. We are also hit with the come down off the substance, the guilt the shame and self loathing. We then turn back to the thing that helped us feel better in the first place. The chemicals in the brain respond, we go round and round in the Cycle of Addiction.

At some point we lose control. We stop getting that ‘high’ from the substance and we start to need it just to feel ‘normal.’ Our consequential thinking goes out of the window.

So this is what I’ve learnt happened with my Husband. He started off watching porn. Just as he did when he was a teen, an escape, a way of unwinding after a stressful day. I had no idea he watched. Now I’ve learnt that most men do.

He withdrew and retreated into himself. He was unable to process or even begin to understand his own emotions when life hit us with so much stress, illness and bereavement.

I had been through many years of my mum’s dementia following her stroke, my dads sudden illness and passing. My mental health was rock bottom at times. My Husband was my rock.

When I first discovered his offending I was beyond angry. I thought we were over. Society tells us that we write off sex offenders.

This wasn’t just a ‘sex offender’ this was my husband. The father of my children. The man I had known and loved for over 20 years. The man who had gave me a great life.

I kept waiting for the button to switch and me to stop loving him, stop respecting him. It didn’t happen.

He was full of guilt, shame, remorse. He was suicidal. I had to understand how this had happened.

I decided very quickly I couldn’t walk away. He was still my Husband and Father to my boys.

These 2 years have been horrendous for the boys and I.

We haven’t lived together as a family since the arrest in May 2020. We have had the intrusion of social care questioning the boys, questioning my parenting.

The boys have been separated from the Dad they adore. The Dad who’s been there for them every day of their lives until that arrest. They couldn’t see him for the first 5 weeks. It was horrendous for them. Knowing their Dad has never harmed them and never would.

During the investigation, we spent whatever time together as a family that we could. Days out, nights in, their Dad unable to stay overnight in our family home. Never being able to be with their Dad on their own anymore. Me and their Dad telling them we loved them and still loved eachother but we couldn’t live together as a family right now. How confusing must that have been for their little brains?

Then in August 2021, A few days before sentencing, social care came back with avengence. They stopped him from coming into the family home whilst they carried out their assessment. Despite us managing for 14 months with no concerns raised.

A few days later, he was sentenced, 16 months in prison, 16 months on license. The shock was horrendous. Especially the next day when it hit the media. Thankfully his flat address and not ours was printed. However, the boys and I had no idea who knew and who didn’t. My anxiety when they returned to school in the September was horrendous. I had fears of them being bullied and targeted for their Dads crime. I didn’t know if we would end up having to flee our home.

They also had a period of 7 weeks separation from their Dad with not so much as a phonecall until risk assessed and approved.

My mental health has been a rollercoaster these past 2 years. I’ve ended up on the highest dose of my anti depressants. My kids have been through hell. Their stable and loving family have been blown apart.

My husband has had the harshest of punishments for his crime. His mental health has been rock bottom as he has spent 22/23 hours per day in lock up due to ongoing Covid regimes.

So how have you, our family and closest friends responded? You’ve stepped away from us during the most traumatic and difficult time of our life.

Aside from my amazing in-laws and brother in law, we have lost everyone.

Last Christmas was the toughest day for us. Mere phone calls from my Husband/ their Dad. Nice gifts from their Nan and Grandad and their Uncle but not so much as a card off their Aunties or grown up cousins. The other gift they received was from a charity supporting us. This made me realise just how vulnerable we were.

It’s 6 months now until his release. We have no idea if he will be allowed home. We have the scrutiny of social care to face. My anxiety shoots through the roof at the mere thought of my children and I being questioned again.

I don’t think I will ever heal from the trauma of my husbands arrest and aftermath. Or from the complete abandonment of a family I have loved and supported all of my life.

Without the support from my inlaws, brother in law and my fellow Non Offending partner community, I don’t think I could get through each day.

We need a chance to be a family again. The knock in May 2020 was a bomb dropped on our lives. My husband is paying his price.