“Look after your men”

Last week I done 2 x half days of a Mental Health First Aid course. There’s also been home study to do and we have another 2 x half days next week.

“Look after your men” the tutor said last week.

75% of ‘completed suicides’ are by males. The highest risk category is now 45-49 years.

Why?

Because men are still NOT talking about how they feel. They are NOT seeking help and support.

These middle ages are high stress times due to work pressures, children growing up and new challenges, financial pressures. This is also the age we start to lose our parents.

Depression and anxiety diagnosis for women is much higher than men. Drug and alcohol use for men is much higher than women?

Because men are much more likely to ‘escape’ their emotions rather than talk about them.

“Look after your men” struck a cord with me. It made me feel so sad.

I now know that my husband was depressed, stressed and struggling. Sadly he didn’t speak to me. He didn’t reach out and I didn’t know I had to ‘keep an eye’ on him. I thought he was the rock, getting me through my darkest of days.

Society expects men to be strong. Hunter gatherers looking after their family and holding everything together.

It’s socially acceptable for women to cry, women to offload to their friends and family.

Sadly most boys are taught from a young age that ‘big boys don’t cry.’

So my husband struggled in silence. Sadly he didn’t turn to a ‘socially acceptable’ addiction of alcohol, gambling or even substances.

Instead, he turned to porn. Something that most men watch and can take or leave.

When my husband was at his lowest point and no coping…he used this as a coping mechanism, an escape, which led him down a very dark and destructive path to illegal images. It became a compulsion, an addiction. He lost control. He was stuck in a cycle of self loathing and offending.

Now he will forever be branded a ‘Sex Offender.’ Or worse still a ‘Paedophile.’ When in reality, he was a porn addict.

For me, yes his behaviour will always be unacceptable and yes, I agree he has to be punished for his online offending. He is being. He is serving his time at HMP.

I wish as a Society we could try to understand the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ behaviour occurs, as opposed to using our moral compass to ‘write off’ those whose behaviour is unacceptable.