Will my anger ever leave me?!

Sometimes I wonder if my anger and resentment will ever fully leave me.

Today has felt like a tough day. First day of the week and one of my days off.

The day started with having to get my eldest up, for the second week of his NCS course, his friend was knocking and he was still in bed.

Then I had to sort out Pest control for a rat infestation in the garden. The free council service is almost a 3 week wait so I had to call around until I found a reasonable priced one who could come today. Then a rush to get my youngest up and dressed to get to the cash machine as the guy arrived early.

Lunch time I packed up a picnic and a bag for the dogs. Then my youngest, the dogs and I drove to a nice big park.

We parked up and started walking the long path to the park area. My son told me that he felt really sick and just wanted to go home. So back we went.

My little man fell asleep all afternoon on the couch.

Ok I will do some housework I thought. My motivation didn’t agree. I ended up watching Netflix and to be honest I think I just wollowed and my anxiety soared. I ended up feeling very agitated and rubbish.

It was a wet and miserable day. It was also fairly muggy. I felt so drained and tired to be honest.

This evening my husband called. I told him about pest control and evidence of the rats under the decking he put down last year. He asked me if I was sure it was rats and not our pet guinea  pigs as they’ve been known to escape under there.

Admittedly I bit his head off. I told him that he SHOULD BE HERE sorting these things out. Not to be dismissive of the things I have to deal with.

I love him dearly. He’s been an amazing Husband and Dad. Yet at times I could absolutely scream at him for the position he has put me in!

I am a single parenting, dealing with absolutely everything on my own.

There is very little empathy for me or others like me. We ‘choose this life?!’ is the general consensus within society. Choice? I never had a choice.

My decision to remain in my marriage is / should be secondary to my current situation. Right now he’s been removed from our life. Had we have seperated or divorced without the offending and the imprisonment then we would be sharing parenting responsibilities.

If I had have thought about this many years back before ‘the knock’ then I would have only expected to end up in the situation I’m in right now, had he died.

I guess I had an idyllic view of what my family would look like when I was a child and my favourite game was ‘house,’ roll playing being a ‘grown up’ with children, a decent husband. Nothing out the ordinary, just a stable and happy family.

I had that. Or so I though. Or was our family broken from so much stress and grief?!

I feel so cheated out of the life I chose, the family we made together. That makes me incredibly angry.

Sometimes I feel like a pressure cooker. My anger erupts and then simmers away building up and up again before it erupts and takes a while to calm down again.

I wonder will my anger and resentment calm down once he’s out and once he’s back home?! When I am no longer sailing this ship alone.