Reflection

Today marks my 1000th Twitter follower. It feels like a good day to write my 60th Blog Post.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I started my blogs on the advice of my Therapist.

After working with me for a few months, I think it became apparent that I have lots to say.

As a Non offending partner who is staying, I certainly do have a lot to say.

Sadly within my personal life, I had very few who were willing to listen. Instead they chose to believe the media black and white thinking when it comes to these offences. They chose to write my husband off, hence not supporting me or our children throughout this incredibly traumatic and painful journey.

So I started my blog.

I write with honesty. I don’t have an agenda or narrative as such, aside from to convey just how much of a rollercoaster it is to stand by your partner. Just how much we families are punished too, by society, by those closest to us and by the agency response to our Husbands crimes. They serve their sentence, behind bars and we serve ours too…out here in the real world.

I didn’t start my blog to win any popularity contests. I am not a vain nor shallow person. So I am actually humbled at the volume of those who want to hear what I have to say. Especially those going through similar journeys or the academics working in this field. Those who have the power to make a difference to families like mine.

Although I stated above I have no narrative, I hope in hindsight that my blogs do convey the truth and dispell the myths.

I am sure every person who takes time to read my blogs, all or maybe just 1 or 2, takes something different from them.

However, I hope throughout my blogs the message is conveyed that whilst yes, those of us who stay, we may ‘choose’ to remain or reunite in our relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t go through many of the same emotions as those who walk away.

After the knock that blew our world apart, I read a lot about trauma and how our brain responds.

Having previously lost both my parents, I know all too well how grief feels. So when it was suggested that we go through the stages of grief when we go through trauma, I completely related.

Therapists describe this as a process, a journey. The stages we go through. Whilst it is, it’s much more complex than that. We don’t go through one stage and move on. We go back and forth.

There are 2 stages that I keep returning to whilst processing this trauma.

Shock that my husband is capable of this.

Shock that my husband is in prison.

Shock that this is my life.

Within my blogs I’ve talked so much about Anger which is a very uncomfortable emotion for me. I grew up with a very angry Dad. Anger scares me. When I feel angry I don’t feel in control. I can’t rationalise. I catastrophise and the pain overwhelms me.

I feel Angry at my husband for his actions that have destroyed our world.

I feel Angry at my ‘family’ for not trying to understand.

I feel Angry at the media for printing my husbands case, along with many others like it.

I feel Angry at the big tech companies allowing this content to exist within their domains and no accountability.

I feel Angry at the police for arresting the low hanging fruit, meanwhile those who are behind creating this content are so clever and hidden online that they are rarely caught.

DENIAL – I have came to loathe this word. Along with Minimising.

This is the biggest myth. I am regularly in touch with many NOPs. Those who are staying and those who aren’t.

I can assure you, not one of us are in Denial.

How can we be?

We are living with the reality every single day, of our husbands arrest and sentencing.

The word Denial is heavily loaded in judgement.

‘If she is standing by him, after what he’s done then, she must be in denial.’

Actually no. That’s not the case.

Every single NOP I know is utterly disgusted at their partners / ex partners behaviour.

My therapist says I need to forgive myself for still loving him. That I am allowed to still love the person even though I hate the behaviour. I guess my blogs may be partly me justifying why I am standing by him.

I am going to end this by saying thank you for reading. Thank you for giving me a voice and helping me to find my dignity again 🙏💖