99 Red Balloons

Well today has felt like a very prevalent day for various reasons.

First of all; it’s now 99 days until my Husbands release….

99 red balloons, 99 problems?! Any other songs spring to mind?!

I have changed my countdown app to days now we are down to 2 digits. I have planned this for some time.

Second of all; Probation went to visit my inlaws. This was to assess for Release on Temporary Licence at their address. This is the apparently the final part of the assessment for her report for him to have home leave prior to release.

It seemed to go fairly well and she’s agreed to get her report done by next week.

Third of all; I disclosed to my new work friend about my husbands offence.

I have only known her for less than 3 months. We are kindred spirits, both with lots of work and personal experience of mental health, and have therefore forged a trusting relationship pretty quickly. She is a real empath like me.

She has been very open with me and I felt dishonest not being open with her. I told her from the off that I had stuff going on in my personal life. Then a few weeks ago I told her my husband is in prison.

I loved that she didn’t prod at that stage. She didn’t judge or ask me ‘what has he done?’ she wasn’t looking for idle gossip she was just being supportive. It was really refreshing being able to mention it / him without having to watch what I was saying.

Today as we sat and had lunch together, I told her that Probation were visiting my in-laws today about home leave.

She asked me if I felt ready to tell her what’s happened. There was no pressure.

I have never felt judged by her in any way. I was pretty confident that I wouldn’t be even if I told her and I was actually bursting to. Yet the judgment, abandonment and stigma I have faced by standing by my partner has made me feel extremely vulnerable.

I had been bursting to tell her. I really felt that she would approach it similar to how I would had it been a reversal. But at if she was disgusted by my decision to remain in my marriage? What if she treated me different. How could we continue to work together?

To be honest, I don’t think I can cope with any more rejection. To be rejected by those who are supposed to love you, supposed to care is heart breaking. It leaves us feeling extra protective, as we wear our coat of armour, only letting those in that we know in our hearts won’t reject us.

So I took a leap of faith and trusted my instincts. I disclosed what’s happened in the last 2 years or so.

It was an emotional conversion.

She didn’t judge me. She didn’t prod me. She listened. Really listened. Listened to understand.

She also disclosed to me that a close personal friend is under investigation for a similar offence.

She made me feel listened to, safe and respected. I am confident that her opinion of me hasn’t changed. She hasn’t now saw me in a new light. She doesn’t think I now condone child abuse. She knows I am still a moral person.

There was no hidden agenda. No personal gain. Yet I hope she knows the difference she has made to my life today 💖