Social care good news!

My blog last weekend was highlighting how social care come into our lives following our husbands offence, like a wrecking ball. They treat us like we are the one who committed the crime. They trigger and re traumatise us during the most horrendous time of our lives.

Credit where it’s due, our third and hopefully, final social worker has actually been great.

She came to visit us a couple of weeks ago weeks ago, following a re-referral from Probation to assess for Release on Temporary Licence.

My anxiety leading up to the visit was very high. Partly because of the experiences of my fellow Non Offending Partners but also due to our last experience of social care, just days before sentencing in August 2021. The words of the last social worker; ‘What if he can NEVER come home?!’ Have haunted me ever since. That social worker seemed hell bent on keeping our family apart, despite the work I had done around safeguarding and the rehabilitative work my husband had done. When she saw my safety plan, which I had written following the courses I had done, she was almost offended, “Who told you to do this?!” She asked almost accusatory. She was very dismissive of the work I had done and didn’t even want to know about my Husband. Her comments were judgemental and disrespectful. I’ve ruminated over that ‘Interrogation’ ever since.

The whole demeanour of this latest social worker was much different.

She didn’t quiz me upside down, she knew we had already had an assessment post arrest (from another reasonable social worker). She actually wanted to know what work I had done. She wanted to know what our support networks are. She wanted to know what my husband was doing. She asked the children their wishes.

I mentioned my safety plan and she was eager to see it so I emailed it that same day. I hadn’t printed it off this time as I didn’t want to hand it over for it to be dismissed. Having done an in-depth Safeguarding course and adding even more to it since last time, I didn’t want to run the risk of that again.

Since then she has gone away and spoken to the school, to Children heard and seen and to Circles who we have been supported by. She has fed back to Probation that the safety plan is very in-depth and covers a lot. I clearly have a good knowledge and understanding of risk management.

The plan was agreed during the visit that I would continue to supervise contact at home and in the community and then when my husband has finished the course Probation insisted on, we would refer back to social care to look to get him back home.

Yesterday she called me to tell me what the plan would be. She told me that she had thought about the closure of the case and us referring back in. I was hoping she would say that she would keep the case open as I had been anxious around getting another judgemental social worker next time.

However, what she did say was more positive than I could have hoped for. She said that she had thought about it and didn’t see the point in us referring back in. She said that with the work I have done I will clearly always look out for any signs of relapse in my husband. She said that after the work he has done and will be doing on his I Horizon course, that once he has served his time and rehabilitation, there is no reason why he can’t come back home. She said, ‘Who are we to tell you that you can’t be a family again?!’ she advised in terms of supervision in the future, I am their mum and it’s down to me to decide what’s best for them.

I can’t even tell you what this means to hear a Social worker say these words.

Since my Husbands’ arrest in May 2020, having my parenting questioned by Social care has been almost the worst part of this. My children are happy, healthy, loved beyond words. We have done all we can to give them a stable and happy childhood. Despite our world being turned upside down by my Husbands offending, they are still happy boys. The biggest trauma for them has been the seperation from their Dad.

When he was sentenced and we had just had that visit from social care, I honestly did not know whether we would ever be able to live together as a family again until the boys were both 18.

I know we still have a way to go with him having to do his course first but at least now, after almost 2.5 years of uncertainty, we now have assurance that we can live together as a family again. Social care won’t be poking around in our lives again. The scrutiny will be from police and probation for my husband to work on his rehabilitation, as he needs to. The onus is finally off me, their Mum who has done nothing wrong.

I wish all Social workers were like this one. I am under no illusions that I have done any more work or have any more understanding of safeguarding than any other NOP I know.

Due to there being no statutory framework in how to support families like us, when one parent has committed a sexual offence but the children have not been harmed, what we experience is completely inconsistent.

I hope all of these agencies and academics, working to understand and rehabilitate those who have committed sexual offences, start to educate those who have power over families like ours. We are a unique set of families, who would never have made it on their radar had it not been for these offences. Social care need to understand how to support us and most of all they need to understand rehabilitation and risk management and the human rights of families to reunite.