Wallowing in self pity

Apologies in advance for the negativity of this blog.

Right now I don’t feel hopeful. I don’t feel strong. I feel broken.

The pain and destruction caused by my husband’s offending has absolutely broken my heart.

Tonight I just feel like I am wallowing in self pity.

What did I do to deserve this life?!

I am 42 years old. My Husband is in prison, my parents have passed away and my relationship with my siblings, niece’s and nephews has completely broken down.

How did this even happen?!

I am a good person. I have put a lot of good into this world by helping others, both in my professional and personal life.

I live with my 2 sons and our pets, my inlaws live close by and we see them regularly but that is where my family ends. That is where my boys family ends.

Tonight I feel so heart broken.

When my husband called, I barely wanted to speak to him.

I know he never meant to hurt me or the boys. He was in the darkest of places when he was offending. However, intentionally or not, he has.

I love him and the boys more than anything in this whole world. I have chose him over my extended family. Yet he is not here.

I feel like I’ve spent too much of my life grieving. Grieving for my parents, grieving for my marriage when I thought it was over, grieving for my husband in prison and grieving for my family.

I don’t think there is any coming back from this. They can’t accept what my husband has done and my decision to remain in my marriage.

It all just feel unbelievably unfair on me and the boys. Why did we have to lose so much?!