Healing from trauma

I am sat here in floods of tears…again. Will they ever stop?

Yesterday I spoke to NHS talking therapies about some EMDR therapy. I have looked into this and I know it’s successful at helping heal from trauma.

‘It depends if it was a single incident or multiple’ she said when I asked about how many sessions I would get, once I’ve successfully climbed the NHS waiting list ladder.

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Was it one incident or many?

There’s the knock, police search and his arrest itself.

Having to tell our children why it was happening.

There’s having to tell his parents, like putting a knife through their hearts.

There’s having to tell my own family.

The phone call from social care telling me he couldn’t see our children. Followed by 5 weeks consoling broken children, previously happy and well adjusted. Suddenly confused and distressed at why their Dad was removed from their lives.

Home schooling them on my son as this all happened during a global pandemic.

The separation from the man I love, feeling like I had no choice but to end our marriage.

There’s the disclosure of convictions following device scrutiny.

The heart wrenching choice I was forced into making between my husband and my siblings, nieces, nephews and even friends.

Then there’s the day that he went to plead guilty and has to sign on the SOR. The realisation that I was now married to a sex offender.

Then there’s the painful day that he was sentenced. I sat with our children and his mum awaiting news we dreaded. Only to be told he has received a 16 month custodial sentence.

Those mornings trying to get my son into school at him clinging to me crying telling me he didn’t want to leave me. As he was already grieving for his Dad.

Those months upon months of juggling single parenting, working, prison visits, seeing my husband in such a surreal environment. Seeing him just about more broken than I was.

Then there’s the other things such as, having to leave a job I loved due to the hours, my husband. Juggling part time working with having to claim Universal credit to top up our income.

Every week or so, there’s a family birthday on my side, that I am no longer part of. New babies being born and possible even weddings? Who knows.

Not being able to sleep under the same roof for 3.5 years. Unlikely to change in the next 6 months or so!

Watching my husband doing all he can to redeem himself, rehabilitate…yet him being hated and judged by those who used to love him.

I have to accept that the man I love is not categorised with the worst of the worst…the Fred west’s of the world?!

The therapist also asked if I have flashbacks or nightmares. I told her I often have flashbacks and there are many triggers that remind me of everything as if it was yesterday. The dreams I have usually include at least one member of my family. I wake up feeling that abandonment and grief all over again.

This week, a former family friend reported him for working. Made a complaint and shared the article with his Manager. Another kick in the teeth not just for him but for the kids and I too.

I try to be positive. I try to be brave. I am passionate and committed to moving forward and living our life.

Then, there are days, like today, when I feel I am drowning in a river of tears and pain.

Will I ever heal from this trauma?