Christmas blues

It’s just 4 days before Christmas. I wish I could say I was full of Christmas cheer but today I just feel incredibly sad.

I’ve just bought these beautiful flowers to go put on my Mum and Dad’s grave.

At 43, that feels unfair enough. I had lost my parents before I hit my 40s. Now that’s compiled with the grief and loss of the rest of my family. My sisters, my nieces and nephews. A whole family I no longer have. A family who may as well be in that grave with my parents.

My husband is doing all he can do redeem himself. I love him. I want to be with him, now and forever. . So why can’t I shake off these feelings?!

It was and will always be my choice to stand by him. If he isn’t eternally grateful and appreciative of that, I get angry. I get angrier than I can manage. My rage overwhelms me.

Why did my decision to stand by him have to come at such a cost?!

I want to forgive him. I want to move forward. I want to stop looking back…but the pain and trauma is very real.

I want to just forget all the incredible pain and just enjoy Christmas. However, I know that when he has to leave Christmas eve and isn’t there to wake up with on Christmas day, it will be a reminder of everything. I chose my marriage above everything and everyone else. It was a choice I never should have been forced to make. The alternative being losing my husband and my children growing up without their Dad at home. That would have hurt even more.

I am not the only one feeling pain this Christmas. I know I’m not. Christmas is hyped up for 2 months of the year now. There are many lonely people at Christmas. It’s not always the most wonderful time of the year

Christmas in my family was always the biggest of events. People pretending to give a shit about each other who didn’t the rest of the year. Artificial like the tree. What I have now is real I know it is. It doesn’t stop the pain at the loss though.

I know on Christmas day I will be ok. I will make sure the boys have an amazing day. I’m sure I will too. Right now I need to allow myself to hurt, to help me heal.